Sunday, December 30, 2007

Huck Slimes Up

Reverend Huck knows you don't bring a knife to a gun fight. The Republican presidential race will get nasty in the trenches so Huck recently hired Ed Rollins, unreconstituted Reagan political thug, as campaign manager. While manager of Christine Todd Whitman's successful bid to be governor of New Jersey, he gloated to reporters about paying "street money to dissuade black clergymen from giving sermons that encouraged parishioners to vote and to persuade Democratic workers to spend Election Day at home." Link. Can you say Donald Segretti? Conspiracy Theory Central can.

Whattaya think will be the first move out of the box for Ed "dirty tricks" Rollins? Maybe send bogus Romney Xmas cards to South Carolina voters with inflamatory Mormon quotes such as a claim that God had plural wives? Apparently the Huckster's people read my post instructing them to cram Joseph Smith up Romney's ass. An imaginative play but we expect more from Mr. Rollins. Waiting with baited breath we are for the next Rollins "ratfuck".

Oh, and here is a nice video featuring Huck's former campaign manager over @ the Born Again Redneck blog.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Fred Panders To Bubbas

We thought we liked the Viagra man. Now we know it. He just ripped Hillary a new one: "there is no woman on the horizon that ought to be president next year." Link. In an exclusive follow-up quote obtained by Conspiracy Theory Central, Fred said, "Women belong barefoot and pregnant like my wife. Hillary's too ugly to breed so I'm not sure what use she has on this planet." Misogynistic? Hell yeah! That's the point. What other major presidential candidate would make such a blatantly sexist statement in a desperate attempt to pander to the bubba vote? Fred's got balls and he ain't afraid to set them out there basking in the sunshine. But can he stay awake long enough to do the job?

Another Fred quote from Iowa, "What man are we going to set on the road — to lead us and to stand against this assault [by the tax and spend jackals]?" What man indeed Fred. An old broken down actor or a dragon slayer? Sorry Fred, I'll take the dragon slayer. Someone please fix that stupid Constitution to allow this to be so! Arnold, you're adopted country needs you. As a red meat conservative past the prime of his career, Fred's more suited to the deputy leader slot. Bring on the Hillary slayer!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Anglican Archbishop Goes Grinch On Xmas

Dr. Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, blasted elements of the Christian Xmas story as "legend". Link. Per Dr. Williams: no wise men (at least not three), no asses and oxen surrounding baby Jesus, and Jesus wasn't even born in December!

How does one go about impeaching an archbishop? Doesn't this guy get it? His job is the perpetuation of myth. Religious doctrine = believe no matter what. Facts are neither here nor there. Faith is what sustains us in this world. Lose the compass of moral certitude from the gut and all is lost. How did George W. Bush know invading Iraq was the right move? His gut told him. See what I mean.

Three wise men bringing frankincense and myrrh and other cool baby gifts to the manger live in our gut. They exist there without resort to historical fact. We need them. Tear down the baby Jesus story and what falls next? The virgin birth? The resurrection? Jesus' bodily ascension into heaven? I say again, how does one impeach an archbishop? This guy has to go for he threatens the very foundations of Christianity. Throw out the wise men and asses in the manger and God only knows where that leads. You are robbing us of our faith Dr. Williams! Shame on you. Does Bill O'Reilly know about this?

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Rom to Huck: 'You're a stinking Clinton Liberal'

With the Huckster surging in Iowa, Romney leveled his slime gun on Huck calling him a Clinton style, tax and spend liberal (note: both are natives of Hope, Arkansas). Story. It's the mantra of unimaginative Republican campaigns--when in doubt, call you're opponent a liberal. When really in trouble, call your opponent a Clinton liberal. But listen to the reply from the Huckster: "This nonsense about being a liberal is pure nonsense." Mark his double use of the meaningless label "nonsense". Huck has an aversion to reason that we at Conspiracy Theory Central find appealing.

Governor Huck, please allow us to suggest a message in aid of your now mortal combat with Romney. The rich kid from Massachusetts claims to be the true conservative in the field. In today's GOP, conservative = evangelical. Romney's lord and savior is not Jesus Christ but Joseph Smith. Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor". Apparently Joe Smith said, "Knock on thy neighbor's door and pester the hell out of him". Politics is a blood sport Huck. You gotta take Joe Smith and cram him up Romney's ass. Do it Huck!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Wife's Jihad Against 'Cheapiness'

So it's Xmas time which means Conspiracy Theory Central must stare down the beast which is purchasing wife her gift. The three regular readers of this blog know that Conspiracy Theory Central is on a holy crusade against fakiness. Well wife dropped her own jihad on our head during the annual Christmas gift negotiation. Here's how it went down:

CTC: Hey baby, whatta you want from Santa?
Wife: From Santa? Not to be drunk when he hands out gifts to our extended family. From you? A David Yurman Petite Albion Round Pave Ring.
CTC (stuttering): A David what?
Wife: A designer ring. Retail around 800 big ones.
CTC (unable to comprehend such a stupendous number): Eight ... Eight ... Eight ... .
Wife: And don't pull any of your cheapiness on me.
CTC: Cheapi what?
Wife: You have your fixation on fakiness. Well mine is cheapiness. For instance, your normal cheapiness self would try to go on the internet and buy me a fake David Yurman from some shady web site.
CTC: Wife, the criticism wounds me to the core.
Wife: Truth hurts, don't it?
CTC: But wife, are we not a Christian couple?
Wife: Praise the Lord.
CTC: Upright, tracing the footprints of Jesus Christ?
Wife: You're my cross so 'yeah'.
CTC: Well then, did not Jesus say 'It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to reach the kingdom of God'?
Wife: Of course husband. I am here to assist you in reaching the kingdom of God. You'll die penniless.
CTC: Good to know you got my back.

Fred Thompson Understands Truthiness

Poor Viagra Fred. Got in the race late and stumbled out of the gate. Now the Huckster has roared past him into first place in Iowa while Fred stands mired in single digits. But give Fred credit. He's finally catching on to the thought processes of a bona fide Republican presidential candidate in the mold of Reagan or W Bush: i.e., know it from the gut, not the brain. This is the sin qua non of truthiness and that which is required to lead our great nation.

When asked about the latest National Intelligence Estimate on Iran which holds that Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program years ago, Thompson replied: "They’re undoubtedly intent upon nuclear weapons. I don’t care what this latest NIE says. That’s foolishness * * * ." Link. See the beauty of it? No facts given to countervail the consensus findings of the US intelligence community. Fred just knows pulled it out of his ass that the Iranians have a nuclear weapons program. His knowledge comes from faith and cannot be challenged with rational argument for it's foundation is divorced from reason reality.

We rejoice in the knowledge that Fred's message basks in the light of neocon dogma. His days at the American Enterprise Institute have obviously not been wasted. Booyah Fred! You might not be able to hold Dick Cheney's jock strap (few can) but we're warming to the thought of you in the deputy leader slot. Keep up the good work.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Connecting the Dots In Colorado
The Secular Conspiracy Against Evangelicals

Tony Perkins, president of the Washington lobbying organization Family Research Council, recently emailed followers: "An Assault on Faith. It is hard not to draw a line between the hostility that is being fomented in our culture from some in the secular media toward Christians and evangelicals in particular and the acts of violence that took place in Colorado yesterday. But I will say no more for now other than that our friends at New Life Church and YWAM are in our thoughts and prayers." Link. Praise the Lord, Mr. Perkins! We at Conspiracy Theory Central have been decrying for decades since last week the vast secular conspiracy engaged in warfare against us. Five Christians gunned down for their faith is but a symptom.

Let's not mince words. A holy war, a crusade is underway. The holy war does involve the war in the east against the Muslim infidels but that is just the tip of the struggle. As our dear President W Bush has so eloquently stated, "if you are not with us, you're against us." Everybody not lined up behind the banner of Jesus Christ is our enemy. It's as simple as that. And Mr. Perkins has placed his finger at the heart of the enemy, the secular media. By media, I take him to mean not just televised news but, also, all transmitted entertainment bombarding our society every waking moment of every day. That's right, John Steward, Brittney Spears, Oprah, Barry Bonds, P Diddy, Nelly, Stephen Colbert (the dangerous purveyor of fakiness), Angelina Jolie, Al Gore, Mickey Mouse, the Teletubbies.

They are agents of a vast secular (re: anti-Jesus) cabal engaged in an assault against our Christian nation. Some may say that Matthew Murray, the shooter at Ted Haggard's church and the youth ministry in Colorado, was himself the child of evangelical Christian parents raised in the faith. Link. But look more closely for uncovering high level conspiracy requires scratching the surface. It has been reported that Murray was kicked out of the Christian youth ministry for "health" reasons in 2002. An even closer review finds that Murray performed a dark Marilyn Manson rock song at the center before being expelled. Link Do you see the light? Poor Matthew Murray, son of good Christians, was overwhelmed by the voices of evil. If ever there was a poster boy for the secular, godless media - entertainment monster, it would have to be Marilyn Manson. I might not have discerned the finger prints of the beast in this case without astute direction from Tony Perkins. Booyah to the Family Research Council.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

O'Reilly Calls Out Evil

Papa Bear O'Reilly: "If you read these far-left websites, you’re a devil worshipper. You are. * * * Satan is running the DailyKos. Yes, he is!” Link. We have a confession to make to our spiritual guru, Papa Bear O'Reilly: yes, we at Conspiracy Theory Central have viewed liberal web sites. Please forgive us for our sins. But we acted for educational purposes only. To understand and avoid evil, one must study it. The liberal blogosphere is so titillating, so intoxicating. And those liberal tramps so damn seductive! Yes, we were sucked into their orbit by verbal crack cocaine, political porn!

Blessed be Papa Bear O'Reilly for setting us back on the straight path of Fox News with a warm embrace from Ann (his high priest or priestess, as the case may be). Those godless, leftist pigs must be devils or why else would they appear to make so much rational sense? Does not the Book of Revelation warn of a smooth talking, charismatic anti-christ? Those versed in gematria can instantly see that "DailyKos" translates using Sumerian numerology into 666. Yes, the number of the devil's prince. How could we have been blind to it for so long? But Papa Bear, steady in faith, peered with spiritual sight through the liberal haze to see the devil at work. Booyah Bill!

Bill is a humble man of faith. We know that he shall grant us his forgiveness for our transgressions because he himself has fallen. The seductiveness of the liberal left can infiltrate the most upright of men. A former employee, who we can only surmise was an agent of the sinful left, briefly led Bill astray with pregnant fantasies of soapy "loofa mits" in the shower, "hard nipples" and "spectacular boobs". Link. Thus, you know our suffering Papa Bear. You know what it means to give in to liberal seduction only to later see the light like Saint Paul on the road to Damascus. God praise your wisdom and spiritual sight into the darkness that is the liberal blogosphere with singular attention to the Satanic prince behind the DailyKos.

The Bill Prayer
Our Bill, who art on Fox
Hallowed be thy name
May thy ratings come
Thy will be done, on cable television as it is in Washington.
Give us this day our daily thoughts
And forgive us our trespasses, as you have forgiven them against you
And lead us not into loofa temptation
But deliver us from leftist evil
For thine is the Murdoch kingdom, and the advertising dollars, and the ratings, for ever and ever. Amen.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

The Hidden Dangers of Fakiness

There is a danger lurking among us. It hides behind nerdy glasses and a geeked up patrician veneer. Yes, we are referring to Stephen Colbert, the inventor of "truthiness".

Don't be fooled by his cute eccentricities. The clumsy fall on the set breaking his wrist. The bear phobia. Notice how Colbert manipulates our national symbols--the flag, the American eagle--as stage props. His attacks on the leftists while lauding "poppa bear" O'Reilly sooth our ears. But this man represents the gravest hidden danger to the youth of our country since the Communist conspiracy to fluoridate our drinking water during the Cold War (uncovered by Brig. Gen. Jack D. Ripper).

What is "truthiness"? It's truth that emanates from the gut without resort to reason. Yes, we are speaking of faith. Without faith, man is lost. Faith is our only lifeline to God for the reason of our limited human brains is unable to grasp the fullness of God. But Colbert, in exalting truthiness a/k/a faith, mocks we the true believers of conservative America. How do we know this? Colbert's obscene roast of our dear President W Bush gave us a clue. Yes, we laughed at the patrician munchkin but his sarcasm bites. Absorbing it saps the purity of our precious bodily fluids.

Ladies and gentlemen, Colbert peddles in fakiness. Fakiness is pretend truthiness meant as satirical criticism of its object. It's so seductive in its rhetoric that we are hypnotized into ignorance of the insult before us. How else does one explain this poisonous viper being placed on the podium in a place of honor with our Dear Leader and handed a microphone then used to insult the President of the United States of America? It's an outrage. Upon our authority as a nationally certified conspiracy theory blogger, we do hereby declare a jihad against fakiness. Colbert, beware! We see the evil truth behind your veil of geekdome.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Huckabee--Hear No News, See Evil Everywhere

Conspiracy Theory Central is beginning to warm to the candidacy of Gov. Huckabee, the rock 'n roll minister. The Huckster is for staying in Iraq till hell freezes over and bombing Iran back to before the dawn of time. Booyah Huck! This week, we got to see how he handles contrary opinions. News on the Axis of Evil front: "The US National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) on Iran concluded this week that Iran probably did once have a plan to develop a nuclear bomb but halted this in 2003 and had not restarted ... ." BBC News. The Huckster's response: NIE, what NIE? Never heard of it. Link. Brilliant! A cross between Dear Leader W Bush and Sargent Schultz from the 70's TV show Hogan's Heroes. How can the liberal media jackals cross-examine Huck about the NIE when he's never heard of it? Complete stiff arm. This guy has more presidential potential than Conspiracy Theory Central previously imagined.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Brother Beck Gores Sacred Leftist Cows
Book Sales Ballistic

Brother Beck's new book roared to #1 on the NYT best seller list knocking Stephen Colbert's ass out of the top spot. Colbert is a fake conservative and there is nothing Conspiracy Theory Central despises more than fakiness. It's so not funny.

His book: An Inconvenient Book: Real Solutions to the World’s Biggest Problems. Here is a quote from the review @ Amazon: "[P]olitical correctness is the biggest threat this nation faces today, he declares, as it makes us prey for Islamic fundamentalists, renders taboo the roots of our economic troubles (poor people are, in fact, lazy, he argues) and creates rampant distortion in the media." Brilliant! Why do the politicians convolute the solution to every problem into soaking the rich with higher taxes? Take poverty. Brother Beck says they are just lazy. Problem solved. Let's move on as Conspiracy Theory Central feels the burden lifting from our shoulders as we type. Next up, "Ozone Al" and all this melting ice caps, dying polar bears, Miami gonna drown in the sea cacka. Beck's “radical” solution--inaction. Brother Beck, dredging the depths of his intellectual prowess, examined the scientific data, determined there is nothing to fear, and declared the best course of action to be the status quo. Whoa, that's a load off our mind. Thanks Brother Beck.

We got this nugget from the Newsmax review of the book: "A former radio shock-jock DJ, recovered alcoholic and Mormon convert, Beck has long been willing to call evil by its name and to stand up for traditional American faith and family values." Link. This explains Brother Beck's empathy for the common man, the poor soul has suffered in life. He's a recovering alcoholic as is our dear President W Bush. The price great men of vision delusion pay for their gifts is bearing a cross for the rest of us. But we were alarmed to read Brother Beck has joined the door-knocking cult of Joseph Smith. Just goes to show even the greats among us with hearts beating close to the almighty have their faults. Carry on Brother Beck! We're going to shut down all rational thought in our small squirrel-sized brain and turn the world's problems over to Glen and Rush (with spiritual discernment from Michelle and Ann).

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Collasal Gang rape in Annapolis

Frank Gaffney is a neocon superhero in the mold of our dear Supreme Leader Cheney and Vice Fuhrer Perle. Frank doesn't quite reach as high as the Conspiracy Theory Central pantheon where Ann and Michelle hold court but he's up there. Anywho, Frank blasted the Annapolis Peace Conference in Today's Washington Times aka the Reverend Sun Myung Moon Gazette as a gang bang of mother Israel. How loathsome. Condi Rice has invited the islamofascist Syrians and Saudis to the table! Islamo subhuman terrorists, there at the peace table with the esteemed Israeli Prime Minister? Condi and her Islamist buddies are no doubt going to attempt to bend Olmert's over the peace table and cram it up his backside. They may even have the temerity to give back to the terrorists legitimate spoils of Israel from prior wars. Just to show you how insane the Palestinians are, tens of thousands of these delusional Hamas lovers today marched in Gaza protesting the Annapolis Israeli-rape fest. They should dance for joy that their eternal ghettoization be finalized in a peace accord. Frank and the other lovers of freedom know this is too good for the subhumans. Just ethnic cleanse the lot and be done with it! Why prolong the inevitable?

Thursday, November 22, 2007

President W Sees No Evil

First, happy 44th anniversary of the Kennedy assassination, the mother of all conspiracy theory events. Historical reflection over, we move on to the current occupant of the White House--W Bush. The liberal jackals are again yapping at our president's heals. General President Musharraf of Pakistan clings to power. Booya! His self-appointed Pakistani Supreme Court has affirmed his recent election as President. Link. Is that not American-style democracy in action? Yet the left howls that Musharraf jailed a few mentally unbalanced political opponents along with a few thousand unruly protesters, dismissed the chief justice of the supreme court, and imposed martial law. In an interview with ABC news, W Bush said "Musharraf hasn’t yet 'crossed the line' and insisted Musharraf has 'advanced democracy in Pakistan'.” Doesn't the left get it? Too much democracy is like too much vodka, too much Brittany Spears, too many M&Ms, too much sex. All things in moderation except sex and holy wars. General President Musharraf is like a kindly grandfather weaning his children from the milk of totalitarianism and slowly giving them the solid food of democracy for sustenance.

But the leftist jackals stop not with General President Musharraf. They whine about an internal legal situation in the Islamic courts of Saudi Arabia. "A week ago, a Saudi appeals court increased the punishment for the female victim of a gang rape. The woman, who had been appealing her original sentence of 90 lashes, was sentenced to six months in prison and 200 lashes after her appeal." Her crime? Speaking to the media about being gang raped. Conspiracy Theory Central hates the islamofascists like a good Christian crusader but this ain't about some poor girl who got raped. It's about the big "O". That's right OIL. The guys in the black & white robes have it, we need it. So shut up already about a few lashes. You want $200 per barrel oil? Do you?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Smoking Joe For VP ... Passes Smell Test

Since Samuel Dale Brownback quit the race, Conspiracy Theory Central has been in a funk over who to support for president in 2008. Viagra Fred? The semi hot wife ain't enough to get us on that wagon. Tutti Frutti cross-dressing Giuliani? Hillary (the antichrist) would grind this faux mobster to dust while he endlessly whines about his self-proclaimed heroism on 9-11. Mitt Romney? We are sick of those snot nosed Mormon missionaries knocking on our door trying to convert a true believer in Jesus Christ to their cult of Joseph Smith. Are we going to put a cultist in the White House? Please. We'll have to close our eyes and punch a chad.

Gosh Joe, digging that cologne. Which brings us to Sen. Joseph Lieberman. William Kristol, savant of the Weekly Standard and Fox News, suggests Smoking Joe for Vice-President on the Republican ticket. Bill does have an impressive record with his predictions. Conspiracy Theory Central likes the way William Kristol thinks! Take a deserter from the enemy's failed 2000 ticket, the running mate of "Rain forest" Al no less, and convert him to a shock troop for forces of light in the looming battle against Democratic darkness (pun intended Obama). But has leader Kristol thought through all the potential scenarios? What if Smoking Joe is a Manchurian Candidate? Think we're being paranoid? Note, Rep. Mark Foley was a Democrat before defecting to the party of God where he laid in wait only to inflict untold destruction upon us with his underage boy phone sex from the Capitol. We are weary of traitors least they be double agents. But if George has sniffed the guy up close and likes what he smells, what's to fear?

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Taser Up President Musharraf

Secretary "Rice was in Istanbul, Turkey, attending a conference on Iraq. One adviser traveling with her saw a silver lining in the rapid turn of events [referring to martial law in Pakistan]. 'Thank heavens for small favors,' the official said. Compared to Pakistan, 'Iraq looks pretty good.'" Indianapolis Star. Well said, anonymous State Department official! Lord knows press coverage is one of the biggest obstacles to achieving justice in our world today. Anything that distracts the press from our primary objectives is surely helpful. But forgive Conspiracy Theory Central if we are confused about one small problem: does not Pakistan possess nuclear weapons? And does not the imposition of martial law indicate that Musharraf is losing his grip on the country's throat? And if Musharraf falls, will not extremists gain control of Pakistan and it nuclear weapons? Please forgive Conspiracy Theory Central's alarmist "chicken little" squawk. Surely officials in the Bush State Department know best. I mean, look at the string of diplomatic triumphs the United States has enjoyed from 2003 forward.

Conspiracy Theory Central has one bit of advice for President Musharraf: bring in Mr. Taser! We've seen the Pakistani lawyers rioting on CNN. Holy Moses, if ever a group of humans was each in need of a taser in the ass, it's these rioting lawyers. Conspiracy Theory Central applauds the expanded use of Mr. Taser in the United States under President Bush's watch. A few weeks back, we saw Mr. Taser in action at the University of Florida on a student. Today we got word the Chicago police tased an 82-year-old grandmother, booyah! Chicago Sun Times. Take note Musharraf. Taser up!

Friday, November 2, 2007

The CIA Sponsored Swim Lesson

The blogoleft is atwitter over Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey’s refusal to definitely classify waterboarding as torture. Adding fuel to the fire, Sen. John McCain, himself previously tortured as a prisoner in Vietnam 40 years ago, denounced waterboarding: "Anyone who knows what waterboarding is could not be unsure. It is a horrible torture technique used by Pol Pot." Link.

But what is "waterboarding"? According to one report, the prisoner is strapped down, head wrapped in cellophane, and water repeatedly poured into the prisoner's face. "Depending on the exact setup, the water may or may not actually get into the person's mouth and nose; but the physical experience of being underneath a wave of water seems to be secondary to the psychological experience. The person's mind believes he is drowning, and his gag reflex kicks in as if he were choking on all that water falling on his face." Link.

Reading the apopletic quotes from the left, clearly this is a job for Ann Coulter or Michelle Malkin, the two super heroines of truth, justice and the American way. But Ann Coulter is currently locked in a cat fight with the Anti-Defamation League over her comment to the effect that Jews should be perfected by Christ. Checking over at Michelle's site, we find she's busy bashing Hillary. Get on the bat phone Commissioner Gordon, we have a crisis and all our superheros are engaged. But wait, a new champion has emerged to bring forth the sacred smoke. The heretofore unknown Rachel Marsden appeared on CNN dismissing worries over waterboarding, saying “One man’s torture is another man’s CIA’s sponsored swim lesson.” Link. See video below.

Conspiracy Theory Central is buying what Ms. Marsden is selling. But why limit this valuable prisoner control technique to CIA prisons? Conspiracy Theory Central can think of a few delinquent kids in our neighborhood who could use a "CIA sponsored swim lesson." And why not the taser too? The taser was a hit on the University of Florida campus. Let's go nationwide with that program. For the kids who don't get the message with a dose of Mr. Taser, then we got waterboading for you. We see where Supreme Leader Cheney is going with this and Conspiracy Theory Central gives it a big booyah!

Update. Senator Kit the Magnificent has weighed in on waterboarding: "It’s like swimming, freestyle, backstroke." Link. Now that's thinking outside the box Kit. Good show.


Sunday, October 28, 2007

Who's going nuclear on the antichrist?

Is there anyone left in the Democratic Party with cajones other than Hillary Clinton? Brother Beck rightly calls her the antichrist. Look, here's the deal. Unless a democratic presidential contender other than one highly resembling a munchkin (that's you Kucinich) takes the antichrist by the horns, she will be the democratic nominee for president. Link. Somebody has to man up and do it quickly because there ain't a snowball's chance in hell Tutti Frutti Rudy or Viagra Fred can slay the two-headed Clinton monster on its march to the White House. Conspiracy Theory Central sees only two men who, jointly, can defeat the beast. The only hope for us all is an Obama / Edwards good cop / bad cop coordinated assault. Edwards can't win. Can't raise enough treasure. Already endlessly milked the fact that his wife has cancer. He's a friggin lawyer for christ's sake. Surely he knows how to slime an opponent. Quickly sir knight. Grab your sword and smote the dragon. Iowa is nay upon us. Hussein Obama, the manchurian candidate, must stay above the fray effecting a King Aurthur to your Lancelot. There's lots of dirt to dredge--failed healthcare plans, votes for the war, votes for the patriot act, vote authorizing action against Iran, money raised from dirty sources, the lesbian rumblings ... hey, this is thermal nuclear war. Slim away sir knight knowing that you serve a higher power--the Republican Party. We are powerless against Clinton & Clinton but Hussein Osama is vulnerable prey. Somebody over there in the Democratic Party grow some balls and take care of this problem for us!

But one dragon slayer does exist on the right. A former Austrian corporal like Hitler. An actor and governor of California like Reagan. Yes, someone with the stomach for the job. But, as he's not a natural born United States citizen, the Constitution cock blocks us. Dick Cheney has done yeoman work tearing that quaint anachronism to shreds yet still it haunts our ambitions. If the antichrist wins in 2008, Supreme Leader Cheney is just going to have to again send Bush to an Air Force base in Nebraska while suspending the Constitution until the War on Terror (aka Crusade IV) ends or hell freezes over (whichever comes first).

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Dumbledore, Queer Eye For Kids

Dumbledore! There's one in every wood pile. Conspiracy Theory Central is just now recovering from the Teletubbies. Notice the connection? Both British children's entertainment. Look what happened to Star Trek. You start with Captain James T. Kirk, a man's man of action and the knowing wink at the pretty young ensign. You know Kirk jumped Uhura somewhere in those long travels across the universe. In the remake, "Star Trek: The Next Generation", Kirk morphs into a namby pamby Brit with a French name: Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Too professional, a consensus seeker. How come he never jumped on Counselor Deanna Troi? Did you see the rack popping out of her skin tight star fleet uni? Of course, a man can't miss it. But Picard's oblivious. Dumbledore! Conspiracy Theory Central has often wondered about Tony Blair. Those long stays down at the ranch in Crawford. The pretty soft tone of his voice. The culture of his language. He sounds like Jean-Luc Picard. Dumbledore!

When Conspiracy Theory Central turned 16, our father gave us a bottle of Old Spice. We splashed it on and remarked, "Dad, it smells like horse piss." Father instructed us that this is what a man should smell like. Beware of the female bringing her man perfume disguised with that French name, cologne. Next thing she takes you for a manicure and pedicure. Obvious Dubmledore! Dad neglected to warn us about the Brits. We remember him looking askance at Benny Hill, the cross-dressing comic, but he didn't clue us in to the wider Brit queer eye conspiracy. Now we know. They're all Dumbledore!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Glenn Beck, Comedic Genius

Conspiracy Theory Central is a Glenn Beck fan. We've rejoiced in his pummeling of the usual suspects: Hillary Clinton (the "Antichrist" and "stereotypical bitch"), Al Gore (a Nazi propagandist), and former President Jimmy Carter (a "waste of skin"). Media Matters link 1 and Media Matters link 2. Good stuff. But what sets Glenn apart from the average champion of truth reverberating within the echo chamber of the MSM is his fearlessness delivering shots against the suffering or oppressed.
  • Illegal immigrants are either "terrorists," outlaws, or people who "can't make a living in their own dirtbag country", Link.
  • Cindy Sheehan: "That's a pretty big prostitute", Link.
  • Renamed nukes "climate-control devices," suggested bombing Venezuela, Link.
  • Referred to survivors of Hurricane Katrina who remained in New Orleans as "scumbags", Link.
  • Ann Coulter was "right" about the "9-11 wives." Further, "I like Ann Coulter," and said he did not "have a problem" with her characterization of some 9-11 widows as "the witches of East Brunswick." Link.
Few media personalities possess the cohones to take on the sacred cows. Ann Coulter is another such patriot but Conspiracy Theory Central has not been able to confirm whether Ann has testes. See Ann Coulter is a Conspiracy Theorist's Wet Dream.

Back to Glenn Beck. He recently commented on the godless atheists of the Republic of California where Dante's inferno rages: "[A] handful of people who hate America ... are losing their homes in a forest fire today". Link. Conspiracy Theory Central gave a Tiger Woods fist pump upon hearing the words from Glenn. But the Beckster now says he was only joking. Link. Say what??? So were you joking about Cindy Sheehan and the 9-11 widows and bombing Venezuela and the Katrina refugees ... and all the other good stuff we tune into your show for? Conspiracy Theory Central was shaken.

Then the genius of it hit us: Glenn Beck is a new kind of satirist. Since the dawn of comedy, satire has been about poking fun at power. In medieval times, only the court jester possessed authorization to mock the king. So the tradition was set. The genius of Mr. Beck has been to take this tradition and turn it on its head, he attacks the powerless. Glenn Beck mocks people as their homes and worldly possessions go up in flames, a mother whose only son died in Iraq, poor immigrants lacking legal status. He cheers Ann Coulter as she savages the 9-11 widows who dare to speak out in Congress. Some have said Conspiracy Theory Central is not the sharpest tool in the shed. Forgive us Mr. Beck for having missed the genius of your comedy. We're certain you have launched a new genre.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Huckabee--The Looming Hippie Drug Abuse Medicare Crisis

First, a few thoughts on the candidacy of Gov. Michael Huckabee for president of the United States.

The Good: Likes to throw around the word "Islamofascism" in speeches. This is one of Conspiracy Theory Central's favorite words. Derived from the term "whopofascist" popularly applied to Italian dictator Gen. Benito Mussolini in the 1930s. The first whopofascist was Julius Caesar. Back to Huckabee. Lost 110 pounds while governor of Arkansas. Baptist minister who plays guitar in a rock and roll band. Chuck Norris just endorsed him.

The Bad: Can we have a president named Huckabee? Sounds too much like hillbilly. And he's from Arkansas, the land of Clinton. Even freakier, Huckabee was born in Hope, Arkansas, the birthplace of Bill Clinton. Conspiracy Theory Central has crunched the numbers and determined it's a near mathematical certainty that two people born in Hope, Arkansas within a decade of each other are related.

Recent Mike Huckabee quote: "And we've got a situation with 10,000 baby boomers a day signing up for Social Security, going into the Medicare system. And I just want to remind everybody when all the old hippies find out that they get free drugs, just wait until what that's going to cost out there." Link. Huckabee is spot on this issue. If someone as brain dead as Rush Limbaugh can figure out how to abuse prescription medications, whatya wanna bet the hordes of aged hippies rolling into the medicare system are going to figure out how to milk the system for a taxpayer supplied eternal buzz? This is an issue that frosts Conspiracy Theory Central's cock! Why can't the godforsaken old hippies just sit in their nursing homes and suffer like normal patriotic Americans? We can breath just a tad easier knowing Mike Huckabee is sounding the clarion call against the onset of the looming hippie drug abuse medicare tsunami.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Bomber Kristol Strikes Again

Bill Kristol is a Conspiracy Theory Central kinda guy. Watching a full-loaded B-52 lumber across the dawn sky brings wood to our shorts. And what's the use of the United States Air Force owning all these gleaming bombers unless we get to bomb the snot out of a country every so often? I mean the boys can't stay sharp dropping bombs in Nevada forever. Which brings us to Syria and Iran. Bill Kristol declared a fatwa on both countries like eons ago. So what's the holdup? Both countries are chocked full of IslamoFascists who don't give us oil. So fire up the B-52s, hump the cruise missiles into range, and let's party.

But our disheartening world is not so rational. The squeamish American public demands a fig leaf of "just cause" to hide behind before doing God's work. And were not a presidential election on the horizon, I doubt Dick Cheney would wait for the fig leaf. Not to worry. Bomber Kristol has rescued our country's conscience yet again. When we wanted to destroy Iraq, Kristol let us know Saddam Hussein was a co-conspirator with Osama Bin Laden in 9-11. Case closed. Invade Iraq. Now Bill has let it be known that Iran is "the only real threat * * * to relative success in Iraq." Think Progress. Behold the beauty of the man's logic! Of course, we need to bomb Iran back to the stone age in order to secure our glorious victory in the rubble that once was a country known as Iraq. President Bush can then land on a carrier and unfurl a banner reading "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ... AGAIN".

Brother Kristol, please forgive Conspiracy Theory Central for expressing a trifling contrary thought to the genius of your argument vis-a-vis Iran: Do not Hillary Clinton and Barak Hussein Obama also stand in the way of our success in Iraq? Is there not a way for us to bomb them together with the godless Iranians? I'm sure you'll dictate to us what our thoughts should be on the matter shortly.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

PETA Saves The Pork Chops From Suffering

Hardees is on an intensive mission to assist every human with a bony ass. Yes, it is a thing of beauty, the Hardees "Monster Thickburger" — two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. Story. Note: for the dyslexic, that's angus, not anus. The nutritional news: 1,420-calories with 970 of those from fat. We need to rush a case of these over to Nicole Richie. But what about breakfast? The good folks at Hardees have you covered there as well my peeps. They've got the new 920-calorie Breakfast Burrito or, for those yearning to go large after plopping out of bed, The Big Country Breakfast Platter with breaded pork chops logging in with 1220 calories.

But what about the animals?!?! That's the first question jumping into our mind as we hunch over a plate of yummy comfort food loaded with fat. We wonder, did the animal from whence this dead flesh came suffer before its slaughter? Did our burger suffer before it was a burger? How about the 1220 calorie breaded pork chop? Did the pork chop get to free range or was it confined to a gestation crate prior to donating its flesh to our breakfast? Really, we lay awake nights anguishing over these questions.

So it was with great relief that we read the joint press release from CKE (owner of Hardees) and PETA. Hardees will henceforth purchase 15 percent of its pork from suppliers that do not use gestation crates, metal enclosures that confine sows, and 2 percent of its eggs from hens who are not confined to wire cages. "We commend CKE for taking these important steps to improve the conditions of animals raised and killed for its restaurants," PETA Vice President Bruce Friedrich said in a statement. "Consumers oppose the cruel treatment of animals." Link. Thanks PETA. We'll sleep contentedly tonight, belly full of Thick Burger, visions of breaded pork chops dancing round our dreamy head.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Tutti Frutti, Oh Rudy, Bop bopa-a-lu a whop bam boo

We at Conspiracy Theory Central are warming to the candidacy of Rudy Giuliani. This guy seems to have more skeletons in the closet than a werewolf in London. Thrice married. Boring, where's the tutti frutti? Names Bernard Kerik police commissioner of NYC. Later goes into a consulting business with Kerik and talks George Bush into nominating Kerik to head US Homeland Security. Kerik turns out to have ties to mobsters and, if news reports are correct, shall shortly be indicted by the Department of Justice for tax evasion and corruption charges stemming from his days as head of the NYC prison system. Kerik was also on the board of Taser International and Conspiracy Theory Central loves the taser.

OK, that's tutti. How about frutti? "Giuliani left his second wife, Donna Hanover, to be with Judy Nathan [the third wife], the nurse who cared for him while he had cancer. Hanover heard the news at the same time as the rest of the world: during a Giuliani press conference. * * * Giuliani’s first wife is also his second cousin." Link. Nice frutti. "Giuliani and his firm have also faced protests for employing a Giuliani childhood friend and Catholic priest, Alan Placa, who was barred from priestly duties after being accused of molesting boys more than two decades ago." Link. Coddling an accused child molester / priest. And, did we mention Rudy the cross dresser? Oh baby, we got our tutti frutti! Who knew Giuliani possessed such a depth of presidential qualities?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Go Easy on Michelle, She's Cross-Eyed

"Rather than have a senator or a congressman respond to President Bush's weekly radio address, [the Democrats] decided to have a child who was helped by the SCHIP program [health care for poor children] speak directly to the public. But the 12-year-old boy (Graeme Frost) whom Democrats chose as their poster child is now at the center of a firestorm in Washington and beyond." Link. According to Michelle Malkin, the Dems have made this poor child fair game for the right's media machine, which has declared a jihad on the kid. The Frost family of four lives on a combined income of $50,000! Sayeth Michelle Malkin, these folks are damn rich yet they wish to suck at the bloated tit of public assistance. We at Conspiracy Theory Central have an exclusive followup statement from Mz. Malkin on the Graeme Frost dustup, "Look at me. Do you see the cross-eyes I've been forced to live with from birth?!? Do I gravel at the public trough asking the government to fix my horrible disfigurement? No, self-reliance is an American virtue and, despite my immigrant roots, I'm a true American. I don't take public assistance and I hate on all immigrants. We're a nation of immigrants that has a long history of trying to shut the door after our ancestors snuck in from the poor countries of their origin."