Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sarah Palin 2.0

It pains us to write this post. Please forgive us Sarah, our dearest, but a new conservative angel has descended upon the Republican party. Surely God sent her to us. We speak of Carrie Prejean--younger, hotter, smarter, polished, born again and up to the challenge of those snarky New York morning talk show hosts. Check out her performance on the Today Show with Meredith Vieira. Before that old hag Meredith could launch her planned attack, Carrie preempts her with the victim card, brilliant! Carrie has been "Palinized" for her conservative views. It's not about the sex tapes, it's about liberal wingnut Obermann attacking a conservative Christian woman. Here is another money quote, "It was me by myself. There was no one else with me. I was not having sex." Link. Clintonesque. We love it. She was masturbating in the tape by herself. Ergo, it's not "sex". How does a Matt Lauer cross-examine a statement like that? He can't. Anybody know where we can buy a copy of this non-sex tape?

Back to Sarah. When the McCain campaign brought the Wassila hillbillies to the lower 48, it took months of scrubbing to get them ready for prime time. New clothing, a speech coach, a debate coach, baby daddy's mom alleged possession of OxyContin with intent to distribute, et certera. Carrie Prejean already has the fake boobs and wardrobe necessary for the job. Better still, she shines on camera while tenaciously sticking to the script supplied by her handlers. This girl possesses an unbelievable capacity for saying one thing (Christian morality) while having done another (racy photo shoots and masturbation tape) all with zero hint of embarrassment. You can't teach mendacity. Somebody find a conservative House district for this girl to run in. We are beyond tired of seeing Michele Bachmann on Fox. Bring us Representative Carrie Prejean! Our country needs you Carrie.

(Political Satire.)


Saturday, October 24, 2009

We Need Fleshy White Dudes Running Our Country

Fleshy white dudes (especially bald ones) made this country. George Washington, check. Ben Franklin, double wide check. President Howard Taft, hello! At this moment our country has a skinny black president with hair on his head. This is an abomination to western civilization. Our media is chock full of corpulent, pale males (see Limbaugh, Beck, and Dobbs) but the political leadership in this nation is devoid of Limbaughness. We could go on and on lamenting this sorry state of affairs but the question remains what to do about it?

It is the desire of every true American to see our beloved Deputy Leader Cheney elected president of the USA; however, his heart is short of ticks. Leader Cheney sacrificed his own personal vitality for the nation during 8 long years of service next to W Bush. It's just too much of us to ask from this man who has given so much. No friends, we must let Leader Cheney frolic in the fields to his own contentment, shotgun at the ready, menace to birds and old friends alike. We must cast our eyes about for new leadership. On first glance, Reverend Governor Huckabee has that which we seek. White male, check. He's friends with Chuck Norris and Ted Nugent, big check. But he lost 105 pounds. It's almost like Huckabee is not proud to be a fat white male. That's like denying your inner self. And we suspect he does a Biden combover. Any self-respecting conservative bares the scalp with pride! Who needs hair when you've got money? The reverend governor and Donald Trump do not get it.

We love Sara Palin but, despite all the moose and wolves killed, we're 92.25% confident she ain't got testicles between her legs. Mitt Romney lacks the bulk and baldness we require. Besides, Romney's father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico where his family fled to practice polygamy. Link. We're not 100% certain Mitt ain't part Mexican. No, the Mitt don't fit.

Where is our savior? This morning, while doing opposition research reading a leftist blog, I stumbled across the answer: Roger Ailes. Fleshy, big check. Bald, check. Pale like an albino. Before founding Fox News, Roger was a political consultant to Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and George H.W. Bush. Ailes produced the famous Willie Horton campaign ads that torpedoed Michael Dukakis in the 1988 election. America desperately needs this sort of political savvy leading our great nation. Kudos to whoever first urged Roger to run for president. Some may say running Fox News is not a job giving one the proper political experience to be a candidate. In response, we direct your attention to the words of the Obama Administration. Has not Hussein Obama (or his underlings) called Fox News an organ of the Republican party? If true, has not Roger been working in the political field all these many years? It's the best training we can think of to run the country. Roger Ailes in 2012!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Persecuted White Males--Me and Glenn In The Bunker

Fox sent Glenn Beck on a forced vacation this week so I graciously offered him use of the spare bedroom in my Anti-Obama bunker. The whole thing is a complete farce. How can a man be punished for saying that Obama is racist against white people? Oh, yet another injustice against the persecuted white male. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is called "the White House" for a reason, white people are supposed to run the place. But look what has happened to America. Not only has this son of Africa taken possession of the White House but now he is trying to ram socialized medicine up our white asses. That's what they have in Russia and France. It's communism by another name. He's declared war against our friends in the insurance and drug industries, true patriotic Americans they be. I'll dare he!!! Greed is good. Greed built America. How can Obama be against greed? Glenn calls the racist out and look what happens, he is the one suspended. Pity the persecuted white male.

My friend Glenn does not deal well with pain. Some say Glenn went psychotic post-op from his hemorrhoid surgery last year begging for mass amounts of narcotics. I personally think that judgment is a bit harsh.

Glenn old friend, rest easy. Rush paid a recent visit to the bunker and left behind an enormous stash of drugs. We can make the pain go away. I'm on the phone right now setting up a dinner date in the bunker with Michelle and Ann. We'll show them the Eric Dane / Rebecca Gayheart / Kari Ann Peniche video and hope they get the hint. I'm staying down here for the duration of the Obama dictatorship. All true believers are welcome (but bring your own prescription drugs). We're underneath the Greenbrier Hotel, just knock on the steel door.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Top Ten Things A Patriot Needs To Do To Survive In Obamastan

United States Obamastan! We've felt it at the Conspiracy Theory Central HQ since inauguration day but suspicion has given way to confirmed fact. Statement by U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano on the Threat of Right-Wing Extremism. Using the degrading smear, "right-wing extremist's", Obama's internal security forces have declared a jihad on lovers of guns, Jesus Christ, Ted Nugent, and those who hate taxes. Obama's fangs are out. He plans to tax every last drop of blood from our veins. Herod merely killed the first born son. Obama is intent upon economic death to all rich, white, godfearing citizens.

Overreaction to the state of affairs in Obamastan is impossible. All extreme measures are authorized. Here are our top ten things a right wing extremist patriot needs to do to survive in Obamastan.
  1. Buy a dozen more assault riffles. (just kidding)
  2. Secret ourself in "undisclosed location" preferably in a bunker next door to Dick Cheney's.
  3. Prepare for the Apocalypse.
  4. Ask Sara Palin how we get on the ark when she and Todd declare independence from Obamastan and are popularly proclaimed queen and first dude for life.
  5. Ask for chastity tutoring from Bristol Palin
  6. Invite Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin for illicit three-way in bunker (yes, right wing extremists have better sex!)
  7. Tell guards under no circumstances are they to let Ted Haggard into the bunker (but ask him where to go for the best deal on drugs)
  8. Stock up on mass quantities of oxycontin just in case Rush stops by
  9. Write to Alberto Gonzalez telling him how much we loved his work at the Justice Department (but don't invite him to the bunker)
  10. Authorize David Letterman to use the list
Our only regret is that having already placed ourselves within the "undisclosed location", we were unable to attend today's tea bagging parties. We have no idea how tea bagging shall lower taxes but would have loved to network with all the rich, white true believers in Obama's evilness who attended.


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Party of Yahweh Annoints Rush The New Moses

Thank the Almighty that his party has finally come to its senses and realized that Rush is our Moses! Sarah "Joan of Arc" Palin has diapers to change and mooses to hunt. Piyush Jindal appears to be a playdo man formed out of a few of Rush's discarded turds. Ron Paul must be an atheist because he is against war. We all know war is a tool of the Almighty to bring forth justice in the world.

Oh ye infidels, hear the greatness as it foments from the golden mouth of the mighty Rush. He shall lead us to the promised land. We want Barack Obama to fail because the people might delusionally like him if his programs bear short-term prosperity, prosperity the terrorists are sure to hate and destroy because the party of God is out of power and not there to protect the nation. Remember, the United States and the party of God are one in the same. What is good for the Republican Party is good for America. Therefore, the failure of Obama's economic plan may sting but it is in the best interest of us all. Those supporting the party of Satan (aka the Obama-Clinton Party) are subhumans. We care not if they suffer.

Which brings us to the most pressing problem, succession of our new national leader. Rush's member has not borne fruit. This is a serious national security issue and we at Conspiracy Theory Central know the woman for the job--Ann "the angel of righteousness" Coulter. She must mate with his omnipotence to bring forth the chosen one who shall destroy our enemies once and for all. Ann, save your nation and jump on that red faced, fat man's cock!