Friday, May 21, 2010

Conspiracy Theory Central Is in Heat For Rand Paul

Is this dude friggin brilliant or what? Although his name is Randall he calls himself Rand to evoke the saintly Ayn Rand. Wikipedia states of Ayn Rand, she "emphasized individual rights (including property rights) and laissez-faire capitalism, enforced by a constitutionally limited government." That's another way of saying roll back government, unchain the big corporations and allow them to mash the lilliputians to their heart's content. Such thoughts bring a smile to the face of Conspiracy Theory Central. The only problem with our girl Rand is that she was a Russian but we quibble.

Back to Rand Paul. The man has cojones to go with the brains. Our poor friends at British Petroleum (BP) have been taking a pounding over their little mishap with the oil rig explosion leading to an oil volcano in the Gulf of Mexico. The world is an inherently messy place and ecologic disasters are bound to happen in the pursuit of money. All good capitalists accept this and move on. But those mad dogs in the media are crucifying the good people at BP just because many millions of gallons of crude oil have been released into the Gulf killing fish and fouling beaches. It will be all good in a decade or so. What's the problem? Anyway the Republicans in Congress checked their phalluses at the Capitol door by refusing to come to the BP's defense. Not Paul the younger who said bashing BP was "un-American". You got that, bashing foreign corporations who create ecologic disasters in our country is un-American! Just brilliant. The upshot is that corporations are in fact a form of property that are sacrosanct under the theology of Rand Paul. And the worship of corporations is a founding tenant of America, therefore, all corporations must be worshiped, not just American ones. Bravo candidate Paul!

But one small problem bothers us about Rand, his silly hair helmet. Memo to Rand, loose the toupee. All the best Americans like Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh proudly bare their scalps. Get with the program Rand. Hair helmets are so last century.

Update: Rand Paul and Sarah Palin (we like the sound of that) are friending each other through the media. This could quickly escalate to writing on each other's facebook wall. Stay tuned. Link. 5-23-2010.

Political Satire.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Don't Trust A Man With Hair, Especially If He is a Politician

Sometimes Conspiracy Theory Central is prescient. On October 24, 2009, our post said, We Need Fleshy White Dudes Running Our Country . And who ends up winning the special election in Massachusetts to replace Ted Kennedy? A thin guy with hair. Even worse, he's tan. Some of our colleagues down in the bunker were all joyful that a Republican won but the issue of Limbaughness transcends party lines. Fleshy, hairless, white males are God's chosen people to rule the universe. Rush stands as the paradigm of 21st century genetic superiority.

On this day when two great Americans sit in the hospital, Dick Cheney and Bob Dole, we find out what kind of man our follicly gifted junior senator from Massachusetts really is. This jack ass voted yesterday with the Democrats to lift the filibuster of their jobs bill. A few months in office and he's already stabbed us in the back then twisted the knife. Memo to senator weasel: WE IN THE MINORITY WANT THE COUNTRY TO SUFFER AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE SO THEY WILL VOTE THE DEMOCRATS OUT OF POWER IN NOVEMBER. What a schmuck. The rookie doesn't even know politics 101. You fuck up the country to the best of your ability then obstruct all measures the majority throws up attempting to cure the problem; then campaign in the next election on the horrible performance of the majority while in office professing your superior ability to fix the mess (which, of course, we were largely responsible for creating). What doesn't senator hair gel get about our master plan? We shall renew our lease on the bunker for another year.

Update: Senator Jim Bunning has gotten the memo. Obstructs extension of unemployment and COBRA benefits due to expire for many unemployed workers then responds "tough shit" when told he's hurting people. Link.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Corporations are people, hallelujah!

Conspiracy Theory Central is just pleased as punch that the United States Supreme Court has finally emancipated corporations from tyranny by declaring them to be persons entitled to the full protection of the Constitution. Can we have an amen church? Suffrage for women came to the United States in 1920. Blacks received the Civil Rights Act of 1964. But the poor downtrodden corporations of America received no justice. Congress pummeled them with the Sherman (1890) and Clayton (1914) antitrust acts. From there, things just got worse for the rights of corporations in our country. All these years later, the four horsemen (Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts) aided by their sometime companion Justice Kennedy struck a blow against oppression in the name of freedom. As Ollie North once said, money are the bullets of political war. Now the shackles have been removed from corporations allowing them unfettered political free speech rights. The natural laws of the universe demand this result.

But Conspiracy Theory Central has been thrown into a quandary by this decision of the Supreme Court. Now that corporations are persons, must we invite our many corporate friends to all the anti-Obama parties we throw down here in the bunker? If Microsoft is on the party list, do we leave off Google? Can we seat AT&T across from Verizon at the dinner table? The protocol for this new world where corporations are people will take some time for us to work through but those hunkered down in the bunker are committed to do our part. We've already spoken to Dick Cheney about it and he promises to take duck hunting any corporation with cojones large enough to stand next to him in the blind, gun locked and loaded.

p.s. What do we do with all the Tiger Woods golf apparel in our closet?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Fear The Anus Bomber

Ann Coulter is quickly asserting herself as the premier counter-terrorism expert in the world. In a recent interview with Bill O'Reilly, Ann adroitly diagnosed the weakness of the new United States airport body scanner program in light of the recent Christmas diaper bomber.

Bill: "If you have a body scan and you have a bomb in your underwear, they can see the bomb through the body scan."
Ann: "No one credible has asserted that. No they'll be able to see a container. It was spread throughout the diaper. Unless the bomb is inserted under the foreskin, and by the way, I don’t see a clear angle on the anus. That’s a pretty easy hiding place for this."

Do you see Ann's genius at work? We need to see inside the anus. Body scanners are useless because the terrorists can always shove the bomb up their anuses! The only solution is to search the anal cavity of every passenger boarding every plane in the world. Conspiracy Theory Central wakes up every morning and thanks the Lord we have Ann Coulter. We need her up on that wall.