Monday, October 22, 2007

Bomber Kristol Strikes Again

Bill Kristol is a Conspiracy Theory Central kinda guy. Watching a full-loaded B-52 lumber across the dawn sky brings wood to our shorts. And what's the use of the United States Air Force owning all these gleaming bombers unless we get to bomb the snot out of a country every so often? I mean the boys can't stay sharp dropping bombs in Nevada forever. Which brings us to Syria and Iran. Bill Kristol declared a fatwa on both countries like eons ago. So what's the holdup? Both countries are chocked full of IslamoFascists who don't give us oil. So fire up the B-52s, hump the cruise missiles into range, and let's party.

But our disheartening world is not so rational. The squeamish American public demands a fig leaf of "just cause" to hide behind before doing God's work. And were not a presidential election on the horizon, I doubt Dick Cheney would wait for the fig leaf. Not to worry. Bomber Kristol has rescued our country's conscience yet again. When we wanted to destroy Iraq, Kristol let us know Saddam Hussein was a co-conspirator with Osama Bin Laden in 9-11. Case closed. Invade Iraq. Now Bill has let it be known that Iran is "the only real threat * * * to relative success in Iraq." Think Progress. Behold the beauty of the man's logic! Of course, we need to bomb Iran back to the stone age in order to secure our glorious victory in the rubble that once was a country known as Iraq. President Bush can then land on a carrier and unfurl a banner reading "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ... AGAIN".

Brother Kristol, please forgive Conspiracy Theory Central for expressing a trifling contrary thought to the genius of your argument vis-a-vis Iran: Do not Hillary Clinton and Barak Hussein Obama also stand in the way of our success in Iraq? Is there not a way for us to bomb them together with the godless Iranians? I'm sure you'll dictate to us what our thoughts should be on the matter shortly.

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