Corporations are people, hallelujah!

Conspiracy Theory Central is just pleased as punch that the United States Supreme Court has finally emancipated corporations from tyranny by declaring them to be persons entitled to the full protection of the Constitution. Can we have an amen church? Suffrage for women came to the United States in 1920. Blacks received the Civil Rights Act of 1964. But the poor downtrodden corporations of America received no justice. Congress pummeled them with the Sherman (1890) and Clayton (1914) antitrust acts. From there, things just got worse for the rights of corporations in our country. All these years later, the four horsemen (Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts) aided by their sometime companion Justice Kennedy struck a blow against oppression in the name of freedom. As Ollie North once said, money is the bullets of political war. Now the shackles have been removed from corporations allowing them unfettered political free speech rights. The natural laws of the universe demand this result.

But Conspiracy Theory Central has been thrown into a quandary by this decision of the Supreme Court. Now that corporations are persons, must we invite our many corporate friends to all the anti-Obama parties we throw down here in the bunker. If Microsoft is on the list, do we leave off Google? Can we seat AT&T across from Verizon at the dinner table? The protocol for this new world where corporations are people will take some time for us to work through but those hunkered down in the bunker are committed to do our part. We've already spoken to Dick Cheney about it and he promises to take duck hunting any corporation with cojones large enough to stand next to him in the blind, gun locked and loaded.

p.s. What do we do with all the Tiger Woods golf apparel in our closet?

Fear The Anus Bomber

Ann Coulter is quickly asserting herself as the premier counter-terrorism expert in the world. In a recent interview with Bill O'Reilly, Ann adroitly diagnosed the weakness of the new United States airport body scanner program in light of the recent Christmas diaper bomber.

Bill: "If you have a body scan and you have a bomb in your underwear, they can see the bomb through the body scan."
Ann: "No one credible has asserted that. No they'll be able to see a container. It was spread throughout the diaper. Unless the bomb is inserted under the foreskin, and by the way, I don’t see a clear angle on the anus. That’s a pretty easy hiding place for this."

Do you see Ann's genius at work? We need to see inside the anus. Body scanners are useless because the terrorists can always shove the bomb up their anuses! The only solution is to search the anal cavity of every passenger boarding every plane in the world. Conspiracy Theory Central wakes up every morning and thanks the Lord we have Ann Coulter. We need her up on that wall.

Sarah Palin 2.0

It pains us to write this post. Please forgive us Sarah, our dearest, but a new conservative angel has descended upon the Republican party. Surely God sent her to us. We speak of Carrie Prejean--younger, hotter, smarter, polished, born again and up to the challenge of those snarky New York morning talk show hosts. Check out her performance on the Today Show with Meredith Vieira. Before that old hag Meredith could launch her planned attack, Carrie preempts her with the victim card, brilliant! Carrie has been "Palinized" for her conservative views. It's not about the sex tapes, it's about liberal wingnut Obermann attacking a conservative Christian woman. Here is another money quote, "It was me by myself. There was no one else with me. I was not having sex." Link. Clintonesque. We love it. She was masturbating in the tape by herself. Ergo, it's not "sex". How does a Matt Lauer cross-examine a statement like that? He can't. Anybody know where we can buy a copy of this non-sex tape?

Back to Sarah. When the McCain campaign brought the Wassila hillbillies to the lower 48, it took months of scrubbing to get them ready for prime time. New clothing, a speech coach, a debate coach, baby daddy's mom alleged possession of OxyContin with intent to distribute, et certera. Carrie Prejean already has the fake boobs and wardrobe necessary for the job. Better still, she shines on camera while tenaciously sticking to the script supplied by her handlers. This girl possesses an unbelievable capacity for saying one thing (Christian morality) while having done another (racy photo shoots and masturbation tape) all with zero hint of embarrassment. You can't teach mendacity. Somebody find a conservative House district for this girl to run in. We are beyond tired of seeing Michele Bachmann on Fox. Bring us Representative Carrie Prejean! Our country needs you Carrie.

(Political Satire.)

Updates:

• Our girl stiff arms Larry King, walks off set. Brilliant! 11-12-09.
• Carrie Prejean: seven more sex tapes reportedly unearthed. If one masturbation tape was good, eight are better. You go girl! 11-14-09.

We Need Fleshy White Dudes Running Our Country

Fleshy white dudes (especially bald ones) made this country. George Washington, check. Ben Franklin, double wide check. President Howard Taft, hello! At this moment our country has a skinny black president with hair on his head. This is an abomination to western civilization. Our media is chock full of corpulent, pale males (see Limbaugh, Beck, and Dobbs) but the political leadership in this nation is devoid of Limbaughness. We could go on and on lamenting this sorry state of affairs but the question remains what to do about it?

It is the desire of every true American to see our beloved Deputy Leader Cheney elected president of the USA; however, his heart is short of ticks. Leader Cheney sacrificed his own personal vitality for the nation during 8 long years of service next to W Bush. It's just too much of us to ask from this man who has given so much. No friends, we must let Leader Cheney frolic in the fields to his own contentment, shotgun at the ready, menace to birds and old friends alike. We must cast our eyes about for new leadership. On first glance, Reverend Governor Huckabee has that which we seek. White male, check. He's friends with Chuck Norris and Ted Nugent, big check. But he lost 105 pounds. It's almost like Huckabee is not proud to be a fat white male. That's like denying your inner self. And we suspect he does a Biden combover. Any self-respecting conservative bares the scalp with pride! Who needs hair when you've got money? The reverend governor and Donald Trump do not get it.

We love Sara Palin but, despite all the moose and wolves killed, we're 92.25% confident she ain't got testicles between her legs. Mitt Romney lacks the bulk and baldness we require. Besides, Romney's father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico where his family fled to practice polygamy. Link. We're not 100% certain Mitt ain't part Mexican. No, the Mitt don't fit.

Where is our savior? This morning, while doing opposition research reading a leftist blog, I stumbled across the answer: Roger Ailes. Fleshy, big check. Bald, check. Pale like an albino. Before founding Fox News, Roger was a political consultant to Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and George H.W. Bush. Ailes produced the famous Willie Horton campaign ads that torpedoed Michael Dukakis in the 1988 election. America desperately needs this sort of political savvy leading our great nation. Kudos to whoever first urged Roger to run for president. Some may say running Fox News is not a job giving one the proper political experience to be a candidate. In response, we direct your attention to the words of the Obama Administration. Has not Hussein Obama (or his underlings) called Fox News an organ of the Republican party? If true, has not Roger been working in the political field all these many years? It's the best training we can think of to run the country. Roger Ailes in 2012!