Top Ten Things A Patriot Needs To Do To Survive In Obamastan

United States Obamastan! We've felt it at the Conspiracy Theory Central HQ since inauguration day but suspicion has given way to confirmed fact. Statement by U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano on the Threat of Right-Wing Extremism. Using the degrading smear, "right-wing extremist's", Obama's internal security forces have declared a jihad on lovers of guns, Jesus Christ, Ted Nugent, and those who hate taxes. Obama's fangs are out. He plans to tax every last drop of blood from our veins. Herod merely killed the first born son. Obama is intent upon economic death to all rich, white, godfearing citizens.

Overreaction to the state of affairs in Obamastan is impossible. All extreme measures are authorized. Here are our top ten things a right wing extremist patriot needs to do to survive in Obamastan.

1. Buy a dozen more assault riffles. (just kidding)
2. Secret ourself in "undisclosed location" preferably in a bunker next door to Dick Cheney's.
3. Prepare for the Apocalypse.
4. Ask Sara Palin how we get on the ark when she and Todd declare independence from Obamastan and are popularly proclaimed queen and first dude for life.
5. Ask for chastity tutoring from Bristol Palin
6. Invite Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin for illicit three-way in bunker (yes, right wing extremists have better sex!)
7. Tell guards under no circumstances are they to let Ted Haggard into the bunker (but ask him where to go for the best deal on drugs)
8. Stock up on mass quantities of oxycontin just in case Rush stops by
9. Write to Alberto Gonzalez telling him how much we loved his work at the Justice Department (but don't invite him to the bunker)
10. Authorize David Letterman to use the list

Our only regret is that having already placed ourselves within the "undisclosed location", we were unable to attend today's tea bagging parties. We have no idea how tea bagging shall lower taxes but would have loved to network with all the rich, white true believers in Obama's evilness who attended.

(Satire).

Party of Yahweh Annoints Rush The New Moses

Thank the Almighty that his party has finally come to its senses and realized that Rush is our Moses! Sarah "Joan of Arc" Palin has diapers to change and mooses to hunt. Piyush Jindal appears to be a playdo man formed out of a few of Rush's discarded turds. Ron Paul must be an atheist because he is against war. We all know war is a tool of the Almighty to bring forth justice in the world.

Oh ye infidels, hear the greatness as it foments from the golden mouth of the mighty Rush. He shall lead us to the promised land. We want Barack Obama to fail because the people might delusionally like him if his programs bear short-term prosperity, prosperity the terrorists are sure to hate and destroy because the party of God is out of power and not there to protect the nation. Remember, the United States and the party of God are one in the same. What is good for the Republican Party is good for America. Therefore, the failure of Obama's economic plan may sting but it is in the best interest of us all. Those supporting the party of Satan (aka the Obama-Clinton Party) are subhumans. We care not if they suffer.

Which brings us to the most pressing problem, succession of our new national leader. Rush's member has not borne fruit. This is a serious national security issue and we at Conspiracy Theory Central know the woman for the job--Ann "the angel of righteousness" Coulter. She must mate with his omnipotence to bring forth the chosen one who shall destroy our enemies once and for all. Ann, save your nation and jump on that red faced, fat man's cock!

(Satire).

Voting Has A Known Liberal Bias

Conspiracy Theory Central has been on continuous sedatives after the beatdown John McCain received from Barack Hussein Obama. Oh, and the Republican infighting after the loss has only worsened our depression. Joe The Plumber takes shots at McCain ... and McCain made this guy! Everybody takes shots at our shinning angel, Sarah Palin (be still my beating heart), over some cloths. OK, lots of cloths. But her whole wardrobe was Alaska, Walmart sheek and the campaign needed to spruce her up for the national stage. We are completely fine with $150k spent on this cause. For comparisons sake, somebody go check out what it costs to wardrobe the Jolie-Pitts for a few months.

But the affronts against Sarah Palin are not what have Conspiracy Theory Central in a lather today. No sir. It's Al Franken and his nearly completed theft of a United States senate seat in Minnesota. This lunatic is up there trying to get all the votes counted. Everyone knows voting has a liberal bias. That's why Lee Atwater invented, and Karl Rove perfected, voter suppression tactics. America created inner city ghettos for the undesirables and we never go there but I'm told on good authority that the voting lines at inner city polling stations around the country stretched for miles and lasted many hours. That's no accident. They are supposed to go home without voting.

Conspiracy Theory Central has lost our train of thought. We started off on Al Franken and ended up on the subject of undesirables voting. On second thought, I am sure those two subjects are related. In any event, the Minnesotans voted up there, the votes were counted, and Norm Coleman won. Where in the Constitution is there found the right to a recount? Recounts are an invention of the Democrats. Thank God the Supreme Court stopped the Florida recount in 2000. We'd all be enslaved in Mosques by now if Al Gore had won in 2000. And where is the Supreme Court on this Al Franken theft? Isn't it their job to stop local election officials from counting votes? Calling Antoni Scalia, the mafia don of the Supreme Court. Do your job sir before this wingnut Franken barges his way into the US Senate!

Conspiracy Theory Central has one confession to make. Please forgive us but we love Stuart Smaley.

Free Sarah Palin!

Like many of you, Conspiracy Theory Central was horrified watching Katie Couric's interview of Sarah Palin. My god, that bull dike Katie actually had the temerity to ask Gov. Palin about her foreign policy credentials. What in the world does that have to do with Sarah Palin's fitness to stand next to McCain looking good and wooing evangelical voters??? It's irrelevant to her job!!!

Anyway, my freak out moment passed after receiving reassuring words from Karl Rove on the eve of the Palin - Biden debate. King Karl opined that Sarah's handlers messed her up by "over-prepped her, stuffed too much information in her mind and made her a little uncomfortable." Link. Being force-fed information about foreign affairs, the national budget, health care policy, military expenditures, and all that boring government wonk stuff could freeze anyone's brain. Clearly Karl is right and Sarah's handlers messed her up big time. Her background is as a sports reporter. She best standing at the podium reading from the teleprompter. Why in God's name would the McCain people let her do anything else? Stop the debate! It's rigged against her. The thing airs on the liberal media, need I say more? They'll be asking Sarah substantive questions again without her possessing a script to read from. Completely unfair. And stop putting information into Gov. Sarah's mind. It just messes her up. Please free Sarah Palin to go kiss babies and smile for the camera. That's her strength, use it!