Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Top Ten Things A Patriot Needs To Do To Survive In Obamastan

United States Obamastan! We've felt it at the Conspiracy Theory Central HQ since inauguration day but suspicion has given way to confirmed fact. Statement by U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano on the Threat of Right-Wing Extremism. Using the degrading smear, "right-wing extremist's", Obama's internal security forces have declared a jihad on lovers of guns, Jesus Christ, Ted Nugent, and those who hate taxes. Obama's fangs are out. He plans to tax every last drop of blood from our veins. Herod merely killed the first born son. Obama is intent upon economic death to all rich, white, godfearing citizens.

Overreaction to the state of affairs in Obamastan is impossible. All extreme measures are authorized. Here are our top ten things a right wing extremist patriot needs to do to survive in Obamastan.
  1. Buy a dozen more assault riffles. (just kidding)
  2. Secret ourself in "undisclosed location" preferably in a bunker next door to Dick Cheney's.
  3. Prepare for the Apocalypse.
  4. Ask Sara Palin how we get on the ark when she and Todd declare independence from Obamastan and are popularly proclaimed queen and first dude for life.
  5. Ask for chastity tutoring from Bristol Palin
  6. Invite Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin for illicit three-way in bunker (yes, right wing extremists have better sex!)
  7. Tell guards under no circumstances are they to let Ted Haggard into the bunker (but ask him where to go for the best deal on drugs)
  8. Stock up on mass quantities of oxycontin just in case Rush stops by
  9. Write to Alberto Gonzalez telling him how much we loved his work at the Justice Department (but don't invite him to the bunker)
  10. Authorize David Letterman to use the list
Our only regret is that having already placed ourselves within the "undisclosed location", we were unable to attend today's tea bagging parties. We have no idea how tea bagging shall lower taxes but would have loved to network with all the rich, white true believers in Obama's evilness who attended.