Friday, December 12, 2008

Voting Has A Known Liberal Bias

Conspiracy Theory Central has been on continuous sedatives after the beatdown John McCain received from Barack Hussein Obama. Oh, and the Republican infighting after the loss has only worsened our depression. Joe The Plumber takes shots at McCain ... and McCain made this guy! Everybody takes shots at our shinning angel, Sarah Palin (be still my beating heart), over some cloths. OK, lots of cloths. But her whole wardrobe was Alaska, Walmart sheek and the campaign needed to spruce her up for the national stage. We are completely fine with $150k spent on this cause. For comparisons sake, somebody go check out what it costs to wardrobe the Jolie-Pitts for a few months.

But the affronts against Sarah Palin are not what have Conspiracy Theory Central in a lather today. No sir. It's Al Franken and his nearly completed theft of a United States senate seat in Minnesota. This lunatic is up there trying to get all the votes counted. Everyone knows voting has a liberal bias. That's why Lee Atwater invented, and Karl Rove perfected, voter suppression tactics. America created inner city ghettos for the undesirables and we never go there but I'm told on good authority that the voting lines at inner city polling stations around the country stretched for miles and lasted many hours. That's no accident. They are supposed to go home without voting.

Conspiracy Theory Central has lost our train of thought. We started off on Al Franken and ended up on the subject of undesirables voting. On second thought, I am sure those two subjects are related. In any event, the Minnesotans voted up there, the votes were counted, and Norm Coleman won. Where in the Constitution is there found the right to a recount? Recounts are an invention of the Democrats. Thank God the Supreme Court stopped the Florida recount in 2000. We'd all be enslaved in Mosques by now if Al Gore had won in 2000. And where is the Supreme Court on this Al Franken theft? Isn't it their job to stop local election officials from counting votes? Calling Antoni Scalia, the mafia don of the Supreme Court. Do your job sir before this wingnut Franken barges his way into the US Senate!

Conspiracy Theory Central has one confession to make. Please forgive us but we love Stuart Smaley.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Free Sarah Palin!

Like many of you, Conspiracy Theory Central was horrified watching Katie Couric's interview of Sarah Palin. My god, that bull dike Katie actually had the temerity to ask Gov. Palin about her foreign policy credentials. What in the world does that have to do with Sarah Palin's fitness to stand next to McCain looking good and wooing evangelical voters??? It's irrelevant to her job!!!

Anyway, my freak out moment passed after receiving reassuring words from Karl Rove on the eve of the Palin - Biden debate. King Karl opined that Sarah's handlers messed her up by "over-prepped her, stuffed too much information in her mind and made her a little uncomfortable." Link. Being force-fed information about foreign affairs, the national budget, health care policy, military expenditures, and all that boring government wonk stuff could freeze anyone's brain. Clearly Karl is right and Sarah's handlers messed her up big time. Her background is as a sports reporter. She best standing at the podium reading from the teleprompter. Why in God's name would the McCain people let her do anything else? Stop the debate! It's rigged against her. The thing airs on the liberal media, need I say more? They'll be asking Sarah substantive questions again without her possessing a script to read from. Completely unfair. And stop putting information into Gov. Sarah's mind. It just messes her up. Please free Sarah Palin to go kiss babies and smile for the camera. That's her strength, use it!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

McCain--I Don't Care If She Has NO Brain, Palin Looks Good on TV

John McCain has finally seen the light to the great relief of Conspiracy Theory Central. Ronald Reagan had to be helped to the bathroom but could the old boy ever stand there looking presidential reading from a teleprompter! The Gipper's brain was so badly riddled with Alzheimer he could barely remember his own name yet he goes down in our book as the greatest US president since George Washington (Napoleon is our all time fav world leader). By the Reagan yardstick, Sarah Palin is ready to lead! She's so perfect for our agenda Conspiracy Theory Central wets his pants just contemplating the beauty of Mrs. Palin on the presidential ticket. The only thing more glorious would be having Sarah Palin on top of the ticket (Conspiracy Theory Central prefers women on top).

And our girl Sarah possesses more than just outer beauty. She sees the world in black and white, good versus evil. Even better, her entire life is led by faith, no thinking allowed. For instance, her faith tells her Jesus will return to earth in her life time triggering the rapture. See Salon article. She's a creationist through and through meaning Sarah know through faith that the earth was created 7000 years ago despite all the bogus scientific evidence that the earth has existed millions and millions of years. It's all hogwash just like the global warming myth. Al Gore invented global warming while experiencing a bad acid flashback. And Sarah knows we shall drill our way out of this energy crisis. Finally, Matt Damon can kiss Conspiracy Theory Central's ass. God love you Sarah Palin and please put in a good word for us when Jesus shows up next month, or whenever he gets here.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Bush Presidency Fault of The Liberal Media

Conspiracy Theory Central's head is still spinning after hearing of the Scott McClellan memoir. McClellan essentially says the White House press office, of which he was a major player, has been a propaganda machine during the Bush years. That a culture of deception exists there. Scotty, I'm just shocked you would say such an outrageous thing.

Having not slept, ate, drank, or shaved for 24 hours (we do admit to having used the toilette) in utter despair over the hammer blow from our boy Scotty, we have found light at the end of this dark tunnel. In between all the Bush bashing, McClellan says "the 'liberal media' didn't live up to its reputation", the liberal media failed to do its job. Listen up all you leftist pansies out there. Our boy Scotty has a message for you: THE LIBERAL MEDIA CREATED GEORGE BUSH! That's right. It's not our fault the Bush II presidency has careened out of control. It happened because the liberal media failed to challenge the man. It's like driving a sports car drunk without a seat belt. Everyone knows crashes are going to happen. If the driver gets injured, it's the seat belt's fault for not protecting him. Never mind that he failed to snap the seat belt into place before driving off. If the seat belt were properly designed, it would snap itself into place. The sole reason for the existence of the liberal media is to act as a moderating force to save a brilliant leader from himself.

The more I contemplate the words of Scott McClellan, the more his central message clears before my eyes--the liberal media is the root of all evil in the universe. It's like Newton's third law of politics. Thank you Scott for speaking out and reinforcing what we already knew. Next time, please put your central point in the title of the book.

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Huckster Is Back!

And I was wondering where the heck the Huck had disappeared to. Apparently fishing. Well everyone's favorite formerly fat governor is back in all his glory. Huck first makes a "joke" about Obama ducking from an assassin. This is exactly equivalent to our dear redneck forefathers of the 50s and 60s joking to black men in the south to look out for that noose. It's no joke, it's reality. So Tim Russert tries to call out Huck on his humor but the Huck is too sly. He slips the Russert punch by analogizing his humor to that of Sen. McCain's "bomb, bomb, bomb Iran" song which, you might guess, Huck loved. Link. Has there been a politician on the national stage less PC than Mike Huckabee in the last 30 years? Not even close.

Attention Sen. McCain. You need Minister Governor Huckabee on the ticket! Huck will completely confuse and confound the national press diverting their vitriolic verbal arrows away from your person. He's the blocking back hitting the hole ahead of the ball carrier to open up running room. For the love of God and country, please, oh please, let it be McCain-Huckabee in 2008!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

McCain Excludes Michelle From Blogger Conference

A member of our trinity of truth, Michelle Malkin, has been excluded from a McCain blogger conference call. And he's allowing selected liberal bloggers to participate in the conference but excluded Michelle!?!? I knew in my gut this man McCain was a fake Republican. He only plays along hugging and fawning over our dear Supreme Leader W Bush. Now we have the evidence of his mendacity. Is McCain prejudice against conservatives or just the cross-eyed?

P.S. For the uninitiated, the members of our trinity of truth, justice and the American way are Michele, Ann, and Rush. They are not placed in any order for divine beings, by definition, are co-equal.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Bush is Caesar, the photographic evidence

The names of the dictators change but the faces don't. Recognize these two guys? The one on the left is a tad older than the dude on the right (by about 2000 years give or take) but I'm sure you see the family resemblance.

Hail Caesar  /  Hail Bush

Check out the similarity in the ears, uncanny. How about the nose, forehead, hair line, chin? Think I'm goshing you about about the guy on the left? Check it out for yourself--recently discovered bust of Julius Caesar.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Adm. John 'Boomer' Stufflebeem--Papa Bush's Boy

Vice Adm. John Stufflebeem in bygone days was a punter for the Naval Academy football team earning him the nickname "boomer". Apparently the Admiral possessed another supreme skill: lying. "As a commander, Stufflebeem was a military aide to President George H.W. Bush, and after rising to flag rank, was the public face of the Afghanistan war as he briefed reporters from the podium at the Pentagon while serving as deputy director of global operations on the Joint Staff." Link. "Stufflebeem, then a 37-year-old commander, pretended to be a widower, telling the woman that his wife had died of breast cancer and that he was raising his two children on his own, according to the Inspector General’s report, obtained by Navy Times through the Freedom of Information Act. In fact, Stufflebeem was still living with his wife at the time. The report says Stufflebeem had sex with the State Department staffer in sleeping quarters in the White House basement and when the two traveled abroad with the White House travel team." Link.

When the affair came to the attention of Stufflebeem's superiors at the White House, he was relieved of his duties and reassigned back to the Navy. What was President H. W. Bush's response when apprised of the allegations against Stufflebeem? He wrote to the admiral saying, "You are missed already [at the White House]. * * * "You have a fine career ahead, and quite obviously, I want to help that career along for you have served here with distinction." Bush wrote a second letter to his Navy superiors saying Stufflebeem should be promoted as soon as possible. Link. Papa Bush was known to have had his own mistress at the time so he couldn't very well come down hard on his military aide for dipping the wick. Underneath all the medals and fancy suites, sailors are sailors. Papa Bush is an old sailor himself. Here is the complete inspector general's report on Stufflebeem for the prurient.

Why fire this admiral now?
But here's the strange part that caught Conspiracy Theory Central's attention. Lying , cheating admirals don't really rate the bat of eye (although Boomer's tall tale about the wife dead of cancer ranks as a supreme whopper). This affair happened 18 years ago. It was recently dredged up when an "anonymous letter" was sent to the Navy. The letter didn't come from the former mistress. So what's the motive for torpedoing the admiral after all these years? Admiral Stufflebeem is publicly known to be a critic of the Navy's plans to bomb Iran. Link. Another high ranking critic of Bush's plan to bomb Iran was Admiral Fallon who has also been forced into early retirement. Link. Pretty cool how the people who really run Washington kept promoting Stufflebeem while stashing this nice bit of blackmail material. Then when the Admiral went off script refusing to go along with the Iran program, they cut his legs off. Surely the other admirals who might also disagree with the Iran objective have gotten the message: toe the line or get disemboweled.

Lord knows it's imperative the United States bomb Iran back into the stone age. We're running out of things to bomb in Iraq. The next country over is Iran. What's the use of having all these nice new shinny bombers over there in the Middle East if we don't use them? I mean the boys need targets. Let's get on the hump Bush Junior and bomb us some Iran before those Godless democrats capture the White House.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

McCain the Humorist

Gosh, maybe Conspiracy Theory Central has been all wrong about John McCain. In yesterday's post we said he looked like dried snot and lacked pizazz. But who knew Sen. McCain was such a comedian? Schecter's new book The Real McCain contains the following interesting nugget. Joke told by McCain at 1988 Republican fundraiser: "Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly?" he asked. "Because Janet Reno is her father." Link. We literally fell out of our chair reading that one. If this running for president thing doesn't pan out, we strongly urge John McCain to ditch the senate and embark on the standup comedy circuit billing himself as the "angry old pol". Seriously, I think the man has talent.

Monday, April 7, 2008

I look like snot but check out my wife and daughter

The 2008 Presidential Campaign is already no fun and we have seven more months of it to suffer through. Conspiracy Theory Central's heroes Viagra Fred and the Huckster are down for the count. We're supposed to rally behind John "100 year war" McCain. It does stiffen our shorts to know McCain is down with perpetual war against jihadists ... but he's the worst public speaker since Bob Dole. At least our dear W Bush has you on the edge of your seat wondering which words of the English language he shall butcher next. McCain has no pizazz. He looks like dried snot, which explains why he dumped his first wife for a younger cougar model then popped out a frightfully young daughter to trot after him on the campaign trail gushing glowing blog posts about her glorious father.

And maybe the younger, youngest chick window dressing masking advanced age and precarious health is what the McCain campaign is all about. Take recent news this month from Iraq. The Iraqi government attempted a military offensive against radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr in Basra and got their butt spanked. Whole units of the Iraqi army defected to al-Sadr during the fighting. Prime Minister al-Maliki was forced to call a cease fire to stave off complete defeat. How did McCain see it? "It was al-Sadr that declared the ceasefire, not Maliki," McCain said. John put on the rose colored glasses seeing a Maliki victory. Link. Booya John! If you say it enough on the campaign trail, I'm sure the American public will believe. Certainly our boy General Petraeus will tell Congress this week that the dustup in Basra was a good thing for the Iraqi government. Black is white. Old decrepit man hidden by young blonde chicks. Reality is in the mind of the beholder. All we need to do is manipulate manage the perceptions of the American people and all will be right in the country. We got our eyes on the blonde chicks John. Keep up the good work sir.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Rush puts Dems in the Mosh Pit

Rush is a genius. We bow to the omnipotent intellect emanating from his massive nogin. We were stunned to hear the great one beseeching his subjects to cross party lines in the primary and vote for Hillary Clinton. Link. Then the beauty of it hit us in our slow-witted face: Obama was on the verge of locking up the nomination. Voting for Hillary drags the two leftists back into the mosh pit to slime it out. The words "Reverend Wright" fly out of Hillary's mouth each second it opens. Obama's surrogates have been trashing Hillary's delusional credentials such as being under sniper fire in Bosnia and playing a direct roll in the Irish peace accord. Every dollar the leftists spend beating each other up is a dollar less they have to spend in the general election when the votes are for keeps. In politics, money is ammo. One problem, voting in the other party's primary is illegal in Ohio. But Rush certainly operates above the law. Did he not beat indictment for the illegal abuse of prescription drugs? He's just too big for law enforcement to contain.

But we do admire the ingenuity of Hillary's tactics. She has shoved Bill into the closet to do there as he pleases. Hillary's main family surrogate is now daughter Chelsea, much more likable than either her father or mother. Any what is an issue hanging out there that the opposition has not raised? Monica. The recent release of Hillary's White House calendar reveals that Bill's philandering was conducted right under her nose. One may ask--(a) how was she so stupid? and (b) why did she not divorce the bum? Legit questions. But it was Chelsea, not Hillary, who was asked to respond to this challenge. Daughter like mother: she was able to get away with a total stiff arm. Watch below. Notice how Chelsea turns the question around and makes the kid who asked it a bad guy (despite the legitimacy of the question). Chelsea's on her way to the senate me thinks.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Spitzer Shoots His Wad

"Agent 69, this is Home Base, come in Agent 69!"
"69 here Home Base."
"We have an assignment for you 69. Client 9."
"Client 9?"
"Yes, our old friend Client 9. Be advised Client 9 may ask you to do things you might not think are safe. Can you handle him 69?"
"I have a way of dealing with that. I’d be like, Listen, dude, you really want the sex? ...You know what I mean.”
"Yes, I know. If the game is on, it will occur in DC and you will need to leave NYC today by 4:45pm. Is that possible?"
"Yes. Location?"
[Phone buzzes signifying call waiting.]
"Let me get that 69, it's Client 9.
[Switches lines.]
"Home Base here."
"This is Client 9. Are we set for DC tomorrow?"
"Yes. Kristen."
"Fine. Remind me which one is Kristen."
"American, very pretty brunette, 5 feet 5 inches, and 105 pounds."
"Very good."
"Client 9, can you bring additional funds as a downpayment on the next appointment? Your last package arrived late."
"Late, but you have the money, no?"
"We request an advance payment Client 9."
"I'll do my best."
"Confirm location."
"Mayflower Hotel, Room 871."
"Confirm you shall cover, in addition to the standard fee, train tickets, cab fare from the hotel and back, minibar, room service, and hotel."
"Kristen's train arrives in DC @ 9. She will proceed directly to the hotel for the appointment."
[Clicks back to Agent 69.]
"The game is on in DC 69. Mayflower Hotel. Room 871."
"Copy, Mayflower, Room 871."
"Very good 69. We'll be in touch."
Democratic Governor of New York, former prosecutor, husband, father of three ... and a liberal jackal who hounded the supporters of our cause on Wall Street to the ends of the earth and back. Oh how sweet it is for a self-righteous lefty to get caught up in a tawdry affair making the Larry Craig think look milk toast in comparison. The Governor apparently prefers petite brunettes and is willing to shell out upwards of $4000 for a single session. Conspiracy Theory Central loved all the cloak and dagger stuff in the government affidavit. And we really want to know what you get for $4000? How much of an upgrade can a $4000 hoe be over the $500 variety? Inquiring minds want to know. Do sit on Oprah's couch and tell us Elliot. And this from Dr. Laura: "when the woman doesn't focus on the man and his sexual needs" shit like this happens! She's a doctor on TV like Dr. Phil so it must be true. Women are always guilty at some level when men fuck up. Adam and Eve, need I say more?

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Archbishop of Canterbury Goes Bonkers

You may recall our post from December calling out Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, for his assault on Christmas. We obviously have an eye for the snake in the grass. "In a BBC interview on Thursday, he referred to the use of sharia in some personal or domestic issues ... . Asked if sharia needed to be applied in some cases for community cohesion, Williams said: 'It seems unavoidable.'" Link. What's next, beheadings in Trafalgar Square? The British people are, rightfully, going ballistic over this comment.

Archbishop Williams doesn't get it. George Bush and Tony Blair, god love them, have set the western world on a crusade not just against the Islamic lands but, also, Islam itself. The Catholics get it. They picked a pope who wore the German military uniform in Adolph Hitler's army. Archbishop Williams is suggesting appeasement ala Neville Chamberlain circa 1938. If Muslims want to live in Britain or America, they should become good British or American citizens. That means living under the laws of their country, paying taxes, and learning to speak English.

But should we stop there? Does not the war on terror trump all else? As W Bush and Anakin Skywalker have famously said, "You're either with me or you're against me!" That means kissing the ring of Jesus. Conspiracy Theory Central posits that, for the preservation of western civilization and winning the war on terror, there ultimately will be only one logical recourse: bring back the inquisition and forcibly convert all people to Christianity. God knows Jesus wanted it this way. Let's take off the gloves and get serious about this war on terror thing. As for that quaint old document called the US Constitution, the sooner Dick Cheney finishes the job of tearing the thing to shreds the better.

Friday, February 1, 2008

The Jihad Against Juan McCain

The powers that be within the Republican Party are not amused. Old Man McCain won't die so they've called out the big guns. Ann Coulter's last two blog posts have pounded McCain. She thinks the country would be better off with a President Hillary than a President McCain (and Ann loathes the female species). Our boy Glenn Beck flogs McCain mercilessly on the immigration issue calling him "Juan McCain".

The powers thought they'd stuck a knife in McCain's presidential ambitions back in 2000 with their dirty push-pull campaign in South Carolina on behalf of W Bush. The smear campaign in 2000 had many in South Carolina falsely believing that McCain’s wife was a drug addict and the couple’s adopted daughter, Bridget, was McCain's bi-racial love child. Link. But the crusty old x-POW has refused to fade away.

We at Conspiracy Theory Central, like good Americans should, take our marching orders from the monied elites. It's surely divine providence that has made these people rich, thus, it is by divine right they rule the rest of us. But what exactly about John McCain gets up the ass of the Republican elite? OK, there was his immigration bill that would have granted amnesty to millions of illegals (mainly Mexicans). But didn't their boy W Bush support a strikingly similar bill? McCain supports stem cell research on embryos. Conspiracy Theory Central would lay down in the path of a speeding train to save just one microscopic embryo. Yes, let's elect Romney and save the embryos! One problem: Mitt Romney also supports stem cell research on embryos. McCain thinks waterboarding (aka the CIA sponsored swim lesson) constitutes torture and, thus, should be illegal. We can see where this alone should disqualify the man from being president. If McCain doesn't have the stomach for waterboarding terror suspects then he'll go weak at the knees on us when we need to taser grandmothers protesting the war. You see where this goes? Without waterboarding, we might as well close the military prison at Guantanamo Bay. Close Gitmo and the terror suspects will get access to the US courts system. Get judges involved and some of our terror suspects will be freed for lack of evidence. Hell, if that's the case, we ought to just hand the country over to al qaeda. The terrorists will have won!

But me thinks there is an even more fundamental reason why the big dogs of money that rule everything have trained their guns on McCain: he has championed campaign finance reform in an effort to lessen the influence of money in US elections! In fact, he has reached across the isle for the hand of the devil (aka Democratic lawmakers) in support of this cause. America from its inception has been ruled by monied elites: Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, Hamilton. Bottom line, the people with money do not trust McCain. The asshole might do something really insane like agree with the Democrats to raise taxes on the rich in an attempt to balance the budget. This man must be stopped at all costs!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Ethan Hunt To Clean Up The World

Conspiracy Theory Central is very afraid. We think Ethan Hunt is coming for us. You see, we're not a Scientologist. Mr. Hunt said, and I quote, "I won't hesitate to put ethics on someone." In translation from Scientologese, Hunt is saying he will make others conform to L. Ron Hubbard's rules of behavior. Link. Conspiracy Theory Central is a world class non-conformist. We fear we are on Mr. Hunt's radar screen. He says the Scientology "orgs" are only here to help us. That a Scientologist sees the world as it really is and can create his or her own reality. That Scientologists are the experts on the mind. That they are the only ones with the knowledge to help the world. That extraterrestrial Thetans inhabit each one of us who has not been "cleared" by Scientology. Scary stuff but this is the part that whams us in the gut. Mr. Hunt says "these are the times now people ... so what do you say, we gonna clean this place up?" To which the gathered faithful roar, "YEAH."

I don't want the Scientology red pill. Give me the blue pill damn it!!! Just leave those Thetans inside of me. I enjoy the company. And here I wasted time being afraid of Hillary Clinton!

Mr. Hunt's acceptance speech given after receiving an award from Scientology. Camera left is a very large portrait of L. Ron Hubbard. Mr. Hunt salutes it after his speech, intoning, "to LRH".

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Photographic Proof Hillary Is A Mutant

My God, look at that hand. Do you see it? This is the hand of an alien. We have the evidence! She's gotta be one of those alien reptile beings walking around wearing the mask of a frumpy middle-aged, white lady. Oohh, I'd hate to see Hillary's inner alien. The mask scares the piss out of me all by it's lonesome. Bill sure knows how to pick 'em. Hillary for a wife and Monica for a mistress.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Huckabee Frees Inner Redneck

I knew it was in you Mike. All this stuff about coddling Mexican immigrants is understandable. You were the governor of Arkansas at the time. Can you say Tyson Foods? Mike can. Who slaughters the chickens if we kick all the illegal immigrants out of Arkansas? The poor little buggers can't very well hack themselves up into thighs, breasts, and legs, can they? A governor has gotta do what governors do suck up to the state's big money interests. Which brings us to South Carolina. Mike's gotta win this former Confederate state. What better move than to let loose the inner redneck, eh? Here's the Huckster on the stump in Myrtle Beach on whether the confederate battle flag should be removed from the state flag: "You don't like people from outside the state coming in and telling you what to do with your flag. ... If somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell them what to do with the pole." Link. There you go Huck. Stick that pole up the NAACP's ass! If that doesn't demonstrate you're presidential material to those folks in South Carolina, I sure don't know what else will. Keep up the good work Huck.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Blade Goes On Trial For Tax Evasion

Blade says he doesn't have to pay taxes to the United States government. Link. Maybe there is a 'half-vampire' exemption tucked somewhere in the voluminous Internal Revenue Code. But one thing concerns Conspiracy Theory Central (an avid fan of the Blade Trilogy, a cult classic): did you see what happened to them vampires when they tried to lock up Blade? He wasted every last one of the blood suckers. Them Feds better find one hell of a secure prison if they plan on locking up Blade. Maybe that one they chucked Manuel Noriega's ass into in the corn fields of Illinois.

Just a little tip to the U.S. Bureau of Prisons: DON'T LET BLADE GET HIS SERUM!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Donohue to Cannibalize Liberals

Do you see those ravenous teeth? They're the teeth of a killer. One that eats pot smoking, unemployed liberals for breakfast. Those teeth belong to Thomas J. Donohue, President and CEO of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. Conspiracy Theory Central had never heard of Mr. Donohue until this morning but boy, oh boy, we like what we hear. Alarmed at the increasingly populist tone of the 2008 political campaign, Mr. Donohue told the Los Angeles Times, "We plan to build a grass-roots business organization so strong that when it bites you in the butt, you bleed." Major booyah!

"Populist", it's another name for the worst kind of liberal, the one that wants to give away all our money to poor people. Some liberals desire merely to be left alone puffing away on marijuana cigarettes in the woods. These are the harmless liberals who only damage themselves. The devious and destructive branch of the liberal decease seeks to reorder society with what they call "fairness" and "equality" but, in reality, it's communism. Will anyone work if we are all required to share? That worked out well for the Soviet Union, no? Quoteth Gordon Geeko, "Greed is good. Greed is right. Greed works." Greed is what made America great. It's apple pie.

We're comforted in the knowledge that our boy Thomas J. Donohue is on the job. He plans to fund his 2008 presidential campaign war chest with north of $60 million. Get some Tom!

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Jesse & Arnold, The Dream Team?

X-Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura has a new book coming, Don't Start the Revolution Without Me! According to the reviews, Jesse hints at a run for the White House to take it back for the people. Conspiracy Theory Central is all over the Ventura candidacy like white on rice. Why? Because Jesse is a conspiracy theory nut job like us. Kennedy assassination, 9-11, he's down with all of it. Can you imagine the fodder for this blog if Ventura were to become president? Nirvana baby!

But who's his running mate? Vince McMahon, owner of the WWE? Boy, that would have been a great choice but, alas, one of Vince's wrestling storylines implies he's gay. Of course, he can counter those charges with the allegations of sexual molestation by women. No, Vince is out. Hey, here's a brain fart: what other x-junk sport athlete is governor of a state? Bingo! Arnold Schwarzenegger. They were in that awful movie Predator together. Both are almost certainly former steroid users. And both are macho men of action, testosterone oozing down their chins. Too bad Saddam isn't still around for our boys to take turns bitch slapping the punk. A peace summit with Vladimir Putin? Forgetaboutit. Maybe a world leader's tag-team steel cage match in Geneva--Putin and Hugo Chávez v. Jesse and Arnold! The event would rake on pay per view.