Brother Beck Gores Sacred Leftist CowsBook Sales Ballistic

Brother Beck's new book roared to #1 on the NYT best seller list knocking Stephen Colbert's ass out of the top spot. Colbert is a fake conservative and there is nothing Conspiracy Theory Central despises more than fakiness. It's so not funny.

His book: An Inconvenient Book: Real Solutions to the World’s Biggest Problems. Here is a quote from the review @ Amazon: "[P]olitical correctness is the biggest threat this nation faces today, he declares, as it makes us prey for Islamic fundamentalists, renders taboo the roots of our economic troubles (poor people are, in fact, lazy, he argues) and creates rampant distortion in the media." Brilliant! Why do the politicians convolute the solution to every problem into soaking the rich with higher taxes? Take poverty. Brother Beck says they are just lazy. Problem solved. Let's move on as Conspiracy Theory Central feels the burden lifting from our shoulders as we type. Next up, "Ozone Al" and all this melting ice caps, dying polar bears, Miami gonna drown in the sea cacka. Beck's “radical” solution--inaction. Brother Beck, dredging the depths of his intellectual prowess, examined the scientific data, determined there is nothing to fear, and declared the best course of action to be the status quo. Whoa, that's a load off our mind. Thanks Brother Beck.

We got this nugget from the Newsmax review of the book: "A former radio shock-jock DJ, recovered alcoholic and Mormon convert, Beck has long been willing to call evil by its name and to stand up for traditional American faith and family values." Link. This explains Brother Beck's empathy for the common man, the poor soul has suffered in life. He's a recovering alcoholic as is our dear President W Bush. The price great men of vision delusion pay for their gifts is bearing a cross for the rest of us. But we were alarmed to read Brother Beck has joined the door-knocking cult of Joseph Smith. Just goes to show even the greats among us with hearts beating close to the almighty have their faults. Carry on Brother Beck! We're going to shut down all rational thought in our small squirrel-sized brain and turn the world's problems over to Glen and Rush (with spiritual discernment from Michelle and Ann).
(Satire)

Collasal Gang rape in Annapolis

Frank Gaffney is a neocon superhero in the mold of our dear Supreme Leader Cheney and Vice Fuhrer Perle. Frank doesn't quite reach as high as the Conspiracy Theory Central pantheon where Ann and Michelle hold court but he's up there. Anywho, Frank blasted the Annapolis Peace Conference in Today's Washington Times aka the Reverend Sun Myung Moon Gazette as a gang bang of mother Israel. How loathsome. Condi Rice has invited the islamofascist Syrians and Saudis to the table! Islamo subhuman terrorists, there at the peace table with the esteemed Israeli Prime Minister? Condi and her Islamist buddies are no doubt going to attempt to bend Olmert's over the peace table and cram it up his backside. They may even have the temerity to give back to the terrorists legitimate spoils of Israel from prior wars. Just to show you how insane the Palestinians are, tens of thousands of these delusional Hamas lovers today marched in Gaza protesting the Annapolis Israeli-rape fest. They should dance for joy that their eternal ghettoization be finalized in a peace accord. Frank and the other lovers of freedom know this is too good for the subhumans. Just ethnic cleanse the lot and be done with it! Why prolong the inevitable?
(Satire)

President W Sees No Evil

First, happy 44th anniversary of the Kennedy assassination, the mother of all conspiracy theory events. Historical reflection over, we move on to the current occupant of the White House--W Bush. The liberal jackals are again yapping at our president's heals. General President Musharraf of Pakistan clings to power. Booya! His self-appointed Pakistani Supreme Court has affirmed his recent election as President. Link. Is that not American-style democracy in action? Yet the left howls that Musharraf jailed a few mentally unbalanced political opponents along with a few thousand unruly protesters, dismissed the chief justice of the supreme court, and imposed martial law. In an interview with ABC news, W Bush said "Musharraf hasn’t yet 'crossed the line' and insisted Musharraf has 'advanced democracy in Pakistan'.” Doesn't the left get it? Too much democracy is like too much vodka, too much Brittany Spears, too many M&Ms, too much sex. All things in moderation except sex and holy wars. General President Musharraf is like a kindly grandfather weaning his children from the milk of totalitarianism and slowly giving them the solid food of democracy for sustenance.

But the leftist jackals stop not with General President Musharraf. They whine about an internal legal situation in the Islamic courts of Saudi Arabia. "A week ago, a Saudi appeals court increased the punishment for the female victim of a gang rape. The woman, who had been appealing her original sentence of 90 lashes, was sentenced to six months in prison and 200 lashes after her appeal." Her crime? Speaking to the media about being gang raped. Conspiracy Theory Central hates the islamofascists like a good Christian crusader but this ain't about some poor girl who got raped. It's about the big "O". That's right OIL. The guys in the black & white robes have it, we need it. So shut up already about a few lashes. You want $200 per barrel oil? Do you?
(Satire).

Smoking Joe For VP ... Passes Smell Test

Since Samuel Dale Brownback quit the race, Conspiracy Theory Central has been in a funk over who to support for president in 2008. Viagra Fred? The semi hot wife ain't enough to get us on that wagon. Tutti Frutti cross-dressing Giuliani? Hillary (the antichrist) would grind this faux mobster to dust while he endlessly whines about his self-proclaimed heroism on 9-11. Mitt Romney? We are sick of those snot nosed Mormon missionaries knocking on our door trying to convert a true believer in Jesus Christ to their cult of Joseph Smith. Are we going to put a cultist in the White House? Please. We'll have to close our eyes and punch a chad.

Gosh Joe, digging that cologne. Which brings us to Sen. Joseph Lieberman. William Kristol, savant of the Weekly Standard and Fox News, suggests Smoking Joe for Vice-President on the Republican ticket. Bill does have an impressive record with his predictions. Conspiracy Theory Central likes the way William Kristol thinks! Take a deserter from the enemy's failed 2000 ticket, the running mate of "Rain forest" Al no less, and convert him to a shock troop for forces of light in the looming battle against Democratic darkness (pun intended Obama). But has leader Kristol thought through all the potential scenarios? What if Smoking Joe is a Manchurian Candidate? Think we're being paranoid? Note, Rep. Mark Foley was a Democrat before defecting to the party of God where he laid in wait only to inflict untold destruction upon us with his underage boy phone sex from the Capitol. We are weary of traitors least they be double agents. But if George has sniffed the guy up close and likes what he smells, what's to fear?
(Satire)

Taser Up President Musharraf

Secretary "Rice was in Istanbul, Turkey, attending a conference on Iraq. One adviser traveling with her saw a silver lining in the rapid turn of events [referring to martial law in Pakistan]. 'Thank heavens for small favors,' the official said. Compared to Pakistan, 'Iraq looks pretty good.'" Indianapolis Star. Well said, anonymous State Department official! Lord knows press coverage is one of the biggest obstacles to achieving justice in our world today. Anything that distracts the press from our primary objectives is surely helpful. But forgive Conspiracy Theory Central if we are confused about one small problem: does not Pakistan possess nuclear weapons? And does not the imposition of martial law indicate that Musharraf is losing his grip on the country's throat? And if Musharraf falls, will not extremists gain control of Pakistan and it nuclear weapons? Please forgive Conspiracy Theory Central's alarmist "chicken little" squawk. Surely officials in the Bush State Department know best. I mean, look at the string of diplomatic triumphs the United States has enjoyed from 2003 forward.

Conspiracy Theory Central has one bit of advice for President Musharraf: bring in Mr. Taser! We've seen the Pakistani lawyers rioting on CNN. Holy Moses, if ever a group of humans was each in need of a taser in the ass, it's these rioting lawyers. Conspiracy Theory Central applauds the expanded use of Mr. Taser in the United States under President Bush's watch. A few weeks back, we saw Mr. Taser in action at the University of Florida on a student. Today we got word the Chicago police tased an 82-year-old grandmother, booyah! Chicago Sun Times. Take note Musharraf. Taser up!
(Satire)

The CIA Sponsored Swim Lesson

The blogoleft is atwitter over Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey’s refusal to definitely classify waterboarding as torture. Adding fuel to the fire, Sen. John McCain, himself previously tortured as a prisoner in Vietnam 40 years ago, denounced waterboarding: "Anyone who knows what waterboarding is could not be unsure. It is a horrible torture technique used by Pol Pot." Link.

But what is "waterboarding"? According to one report, the prisoner is strapped down, head wrapped in cellophane, and water repeatedly poured into the prisoner's face. "Depending on the exact setup, the water may or may not actually get into the person's mouth and nose; but the physical experience of being underneath a wave of water seems to be secondary to the psychological experience. The person's mind believes he is drowning, and his gag reflex kicks in as if he were choking on all that water falling on his face." Link.

Reading the apopletic quotes from the left, clearly this is a job for Ann Coulter or Michelle Malkin, the two super heroines of truth, justice and the American way. But Ann Coulter is currently locked in a cat fight with the Anti-Defamation League over her comment to the effect that Jews should be perfected by Christ. Checking over at Michelle's site, we find she's busy bashing Hillary. Get on the bat phone Commissioner Gordon, we have a crisis and all our superheros are engaged. But wait, a new champion has emerged to bring forth the sacred smoke. The heretofore unknown Rachel Marsden appeared on CNN dismissing worries over waterboarding, saying “One man’s torture is another man’s CIA’s sponsored swim lesson.” Link. See video below.

Conspiracy Theory Central is buying what Ms. Marsden is selling. But why limit this valuable prisoner control technique to CIA prisons? Conspiracy Theory Central can think of a few delinquent kids in our neighborhood who could use a "CIA sponsored swim lesson." And why not the taser too? The taser was a hit on the University of Florida campus. Let's go nationwide with that program. For the kids who don't get the message with a dose of Mr. Taser, then we got waterboading for you. We see where Supreme Leader Cheney is going with this and Conspiracy Theory Central gives it a big booyah!

Update. Senator Kit the Magnificent has weighed in on waterboarding: "It’s like swimming, freestyle, backstroke." Link. Now that's thinking outside the box Kit. Good show.

(Satire)