Sunday, September 30, 2007

"Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?"

The preeminent African American Jurist has a new book out: "My Grandfather's Son". In it, he rips the liberal media a new one for its "high-tech lynching" by printing the outlandish allegations of one Anita Hill (an African American lawyer who previously worked for Clarence at Department of Education and the EEOC). We at Conspiracy Theory Central never tire of dredging old dirt. A capsule of the allegations of Anita Hill against Judge Thomas:
After approximately 3 months of working there, [Judge Thomas] asked me to go out socially with him. I declined the invitation to go out socially with him, and explained to him that I thought it would jeopardize what at the time I considered to be a very good working relationship. I thought that by saying "no" and explaining my reasons, my employer would abandon his social suggestions. However, to my regret, in the following few weeks he continued to ask me out on several occasions.

My working relationship became even more strained when Judge Thomas began to use work situations to discuss sex. His conversations were very vivid. He spoke about acts that he had seen in pornographic films involving such matters as women having sex with animals, and films showing group sex or rape scenes. He talked about pornographic materials depicting individuals with large penises, or large breasts individuals in various sex acts.

On several occasions Thomas told me graphically of his own sexual prowess. Because I was extremely uncomfortable talking about sex with him at all, and particularly in such a graphic way, I told him that I did not want to talk about these subjects.

When Judge Thomas was made chair of the EEOC, I needed to face the question of whether to go with him. I was asked to do so and I did. The work, itself, was interesting, and at that time, it appeared that the sexual overtures, which had so troubled me had ended.

For my first months at the EEOC, where I continued to be an assistant to Judge Thomas, there were no sexual overtures. However, during the fall and winter of 1982, these began again.

One of the oddest episodes I remember was an occasion in which Thomas was drinking a Coke in his office, he got up from the table at which we were wording, went over to his desk to get the Coke, looked at the can and asked, "Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?"

On other occasions he referred to the size of his own penis as being larger than normal and he also spoke on some occasions of the pleasures he had given to women with oral sex. At this point, Late 1982, I began to feel severe stress on the job.
Link to testimony of Professor Hill.

How outrageous of the liberal media to report such things!!! This man was, at the time, a nominee to the United States Supreme Court. We're talking the Supremes people. The public had no right to know the nature of these allegations against the man. The fact that he may or may not have sexually harassed a subordinate while head of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission surely has no bearing upon his qualifications to be a Supreme Court Justice. None! How could anyone but crazed liberals reason this to be news? I mean, this woman was a law professor in Oklahoma at the time. What kind of credence can you give to such a person? Her status was barely above that of a homeless drifter for Christ's sake. I'll give Anita one thing though: creativity. I'll never drink another Coke without looking for the pubic hair.
(Satire)

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Pace: We Don't Want No Stinking Immoral Soldiers In Our Military


Praise God for General Pace. He has given voice to the silent (moral) majority. "Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, caused a stir at a Senate hearing Wednesday when he repeated his view that gay sex is immoral and should not be condoned by the military." Link. The General was brought up on the Bible and he intends to infuse our military with his religious doctrines. Booya General! Hey but don't stop with the gays. Didn't the Jews kill Jesus? Do not they deny his divinity to this day? Ain't that against the Bible as well? Do it General. Kick all the Jews out of the military. And them Islamofascist Muslim folks ... is anyone more Godless than these folks? Give 'em the boot too General! And what about them dope smoking, neo-hippie types? BOOT! No half-ass'ed efforts in cleansing our military General. A man of Jesus knows no bounds to his zeal. Let's get kicking some immoral ass, pronto.
(Satire)

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Ahmadinejad A Texas Longhorns Fan

Ha, conclusive evidence Bush and Ahmadinejad are on the same covert team! They are both devil worshiping Texas Longhorn fans. More on the sign of Satan. Tip of the cap to the folks at Conspiracy Planet for this one. We at Conspiracy Theory Central should have been on our toes and picked up on the ruse sooner. President Ahmadinejad has been cast as the devil incarnate by the Bush Administration (neocons), a charge reverberating in the echo chamber of the propogandists Main Stream Media. We interpret President Ahmadinejad flashing double devil horns to the western media as coded acknowledgment of his willingness to do the deed and play the fool for American audiences. The only question left is what fig leaf the Bushies dredge up as justification for bombing the bejesus out of Iran. They tried provocation by arresting and humiliating Iranian officials legally in Iraq at the invitation of Kurdish authorities but to no avail. Link. Never fear. We at Conspiracy Theory Central have complete faith Vice President Cheney, the master of stove piped intelligence, will rise to the occasion providing the needed cover to commence bombing. BTW, no question the first lady and first daughter Jenna are in on the cabal as well.
 

(Satire)

Saturday, September 22, 2007

See what happens when you don't give students a taste of Mr. Taser?

MIT student Star Simpson (yep, that's her real name) was arrested at Logan International Airport for wearing what police described as a fake bomb. Star's sweatshirt had on its back a computer circuit board with flashing lights and wires. She says it was a homemade art project. Link. Apparently Ms. Simpson is a flaky science geek who thinks nothing of wearing a blinking electronic device on her back into an airport to pick up a friend. State police Maj. Scott Pare said that Simpson is "extremely lucky she followed the instructions or deadly force would have been used. She's lucky to be in a cell as opposed to the morgue." Major Pare is our kinda cop. But where was the taser? Yes, Ms. Simpson was arrested and charged with a crime but certainly a good dose of Mr. Taser would have done this Star person a world of good. We are sure Andrew Meyer of the University of Florida gets the message after his jolt from Mr. Taser. We said it before and we'll say it again, Let's Taser All The Friggin Students!
(Satire)


Bush: "Don't Pamper The Little Shirkers"

In his weekly radio address, President Bush called Democrats "irresponsible" for seeking to expand children's health insurance for low income families. Bush has vowed to veto the bill despite significant bipartisan support. Link. "You see, it's all political," said Bush. "Them Democrats pass the easy stuff, the stuff everybody wants like health care for children. Then I have to be the responsible adult. You see, we don't have more money for these welfare programs like student aid and health care. We're at war people. If it doesn't go to the troops, we don't need it. Understand Nancy?" The President was apparently referring to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

We at Conspiracy Theory Central applaud the President for his courage in standing against give-aways to lazy kids unable to pick themselves up by their boot straps and get their own health insurance. But maybe the answer is repealing the child labor laws so these adolescent shirkers can get off their butts and work for a living? And we are galled that the Republicans have gotten in bed with the Democrats on this one. Our democracy shall grind to a halt if these people do not immediately resume hacking at each other's throats.
(Satire)

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Let's Taser All The Friggin Students!

Time to nip this student back-talk thing in the bud. One guy gets out of line disrespecting a sitting United States Senator and, next thing you know, it's Berkeley circa 1968 all over again ... hippie student protests out the ass, clouds of marijuana smoke wafting through the air, free sex, peace-love and all that. Thank God this isn't going down on Dick Cheney's watch. No sir. We at Conspiracy Theory Central, of course, love a good conspiracy. We dig the questions Andrew Meyer of the University of Florida put to Sen. Kerry--i.e., Isn't it true Senator that you and President Bush were Skull & Bonesmen at Princeton and that you both engaged in homoerotic rituals? This kid has a future in journalism. But that's not the point. One must crack a few eggs to make an omelet. Back in the day, law enforcement used night sticks and attack dogs to strike fear into the populace. Thank God for technology. Andrew Meyer was the sacrificial lamb needed to send a message to the dope smoking young non-conformists of America. Conform or fry at the end of a taser you punks! Take your place in our energy guzzling, consumer driven society. Pay your taxes. Bow to the leaders. Don't question elections or wars. They are matters beyond your station. That's right, drink the kool-aid. Meet Mr. Taser students, the new sheriff in town.
(Satire.)

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Southwest Airlines Declares War On Breasts

Kyla Ebbert (left) and Setara Qassim (right) were both detained from boarding recent Southwest flights. See link to story. According to the airline, both women exhibited unrestrained breasts. Said Southwest spokesperson Sara Prudence, "Big tits, when not properly stowed, cause problems on our flights. Especially, the young perky variety. First, there is boob envy from the other female passengers. Then a riot breaks out during open boarding as the men thrash each other about attempting to seat themselves next to the hooters. And just imagine the pandemonium if the flight hits turbulence and those loose bazoombas jostle all over the cabin."

We at Conspiracy Theory Central are deeply troubled by the actions of Southwest Airlines who, the best we can determine, have morphed into the taliban of the skies. Isn't this America? Doesn't a man in this country have a constitutionally protected right to sneak furtive glances at a nice rack displayed on an attractive young thing sitting across the isle? If Kyla Ebbert and Setara Qassim's tits are forcefully covered and restrained, then the terrorists have won. We are a defeated country.
(Satire ... kinda).

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Testimonials to Larry Craig's Nongayness

Senator Larry Craig's children Shea Howell and Michael Craig appeared on "Good Morning America" today to say "Our dad ain't gay!" Link This afternoon, the Craig's longtime Venezuelan housekeeper appeared on CNN with Wolf Blitzer also proclaiming Larry Craig's nongayness. Said the housekeeper, "The senator is always grabbing my ass when his wife isn't looking. I know he wants a piece just like any man." Finally, this evening on National Geographic Channel's The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan is to interview the Craig family dog. According to an advance press release, the dog is expected to say he has seen Larry Craig having sexual relations with women on many occasions. We at Conspiracy Theory Central have conducted a nonscientific poll among our seven regular readers (one of whom is my cat Mimi) on the topic of whether or not Larry Craig is gay. The top response to the survey with four votes was: "He ain't gay but his boyfriends are."

Satire.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Victoria's Secret to Men: Tame Your Moobs

Lingerie maker Spitfire of Japan fired the first shot--the man girdle. Japanese men have lapped up the man spanks marketed as "Manks". Link. Said manks wearer Futomaki Suzuki, "They're awesome. I can really channel my inner feminine chi in them and there's great support for the testicles. No more pocket pool to get my balls back where I like 'em."

Ever vigilant in the underwear wars, it didn't take Victoria's Secret long to strike back with the "moobs" control bra. Our spies tell us Victoria's Secret is combing the country for male moobs models for inclusion in their 2008 calendar due out this winter. Tom Arnold has been approached and is interested in the project. Conspiracy Theory Central contacted style maven Tim Gunn for his reaction to the man lingerie tsunami rocking the fashion world, "Every designer needs to get on the stick incorporating male control undergarments into their fall collections. The possibilities are endless." And does Tim think Hollywood's leading men will endorse the new trend? "Prediction: Jack Nicholson not only walks down the red carpet in a moobs support bra at the next Oscars but is also a paid spokesperson for the product. Remember, you heard it here first. Make it work."

(Satire)