Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Ethan Hunt To Clean Up The World

Conspiracy Theory Central is very afraid. We think Ethan Hunt is coming for us. You see, we're not a Scientologist. Mr. Hunt said, and I quote, "I won't hesitate to put ethics on someone." In translation from Scientologese, Hunt is saying he will make others conform to L. Ron Hubbard's rules of behavior. Link. Conspiracy Theory Central is a world class non-conformist. We fear we are on Mr. Hunt's radar screen. He says the Scientology "orgs" are only here to help us. That a Scientologist sees the world as it really is and can create his or her own reality. That Scientologists are the experts on the mind. That they are the only ones with the knowledge to help the world. That extraterrestrial Thetans inhabit each one of us who has not been "cleared" by Scientology. Scary stuff but this is the part that whams us in the gut. Mr. Hunt says "these are the times now people ... so what do you say, we gonna clean this place up?" To which the gathered faithful roar, "YEAH."

I don't want the Scientology red pill. Give me the blue pill damn it!!! Just leave those Thetans inside of me. I enjoy the company. And here I wasted time being afraid of Hillary Clinton!

Mr. Hunt's acceptance speech given after receiving an award from Scientology. Camera left is a very large portrait of L. Ron Hubbard. Mr. Hunt salutes it after his speech, intoning, "to LRH".

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Photographic Proof Hillary Is A Mutant

My God, look at that hand. Do you see it? This is the hand of an alien. We have the evidence! She's gotta be one of those alien reptile beings walking around wearing the mask of a frumpy middle-aged, white lady. Oohh, I'd hate to see Hillary's inner alien. The mask scares the piss out of me all by it's lonesome. Bill sure knows how to pick 'em. Hillary for a wife and Monica for a mistress.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Huckabee Frees Inner Redneck

I knew it was in you Mike. All this stuff about coddling Mexican immigrants is understandable. You were the governor of Arkansas at the time. Can you say Tyson Foods? Mike can. Who slaughters the chickens if we kick all the illegal immigrants out of Arkansas? The poor little buggers can't very well hack themselves up into thighs, breasts, and legs, can they? A governor has gotta do what governors do suck up to the state's big money interests. Which brings us to South Carolina. Mike's gotta win this former Confederate state. What better move than to let loose the inner redneck, eh? Here's the Huckster on the stump in Myrtle Beach on whether the confederate battle flag should be removed from the state flag: "You don't like people from outside the state coming in and telling you what to do with your flag. ... If somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell them what to do with the pole." Link. There you go Huck. Stick that pole up the NAACP's ass! If that doesn't demonstrate you're presidential material to those folks in South Carolina, I sure don't know what else will. Keep up the good work Huck.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Blade Goes On Trial For Tax Evasion

Blade says he doesn't have to pay taxes to the United States government. Link. Maybe there is a 'half-vampire' exemption tucked somewhere in the voluminous Internal Revenue Code. But one thing concerns Conspiracy Theory Central (an avid fan of the Blade Trilogy, a cult classic): did you see what happened to them vampires when they tried to lock up Blade? He wasted every last one of the blood suckers. Them Feds better find one hell of a secure prison if they plan on locking up Blade. Maybe that one they chucked Manuel Noriega's ass into in the corn fields of Illinois.

Just a little tip to the U.S. Bureau of Prisons: DON'T LET BLADE GET HIS SERUM!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Donohue to Cannibalize Liberals

Do you see those ravenous teeth? They're the teeth of a killer. One that eats pot smoking, unemployed liberals for breakfast. Those teeth belong to Thomas J. Donohue, President and CEO of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. Conspiracy Theory Central had never heard of Mr. Donohue until this morning but boy, oh boy, we like what we hear. Alarmed at the increasingly populist tone of the 2008 political campaign, Mr. Donohue told the Los Angeles Times, "We plan to build a grass-roots business organization so strong that when it bites you in the butt, you bleed." Major booyah!

"Populist", it's another name for the worst kind of liberal, the one that wants to give away all our money to poor people. Some liberals desire merely to be left alone puffing away on marijuana cigarettes in the woods. These are the harmless liberals who only damage themselves. The devious and destructive branch of the liberal decease seeks to reorder society with what they call "fairness" and "equality" but, in reality, it's communism. Will anyone work if we are all required to share? That worked out well for the Soviet Union, no? Quoteth Gordon Geeko, "Greed is good. Greed is right. Greed works." Greed is what made America great. It's apple pie.

We're comforted in the knowledge that our boy Thomas J. Donohue is on the job. He plans to fund his 2008 presidential campaign war chest with north of $60 million. Get some Tom!

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Jesse & Arnold, The Dream Team?

X-Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura has a new book coming, Don't Start the Revolution Without Me! According to the reviews, Jesse hints at a run for the White House to take it back for the people. Conspiracy Theory Central is all over the Ventura candidacy like white on rice. Why? Because Jesse is a conspiracy theory nut job like us. Kennedy assassination, 9-11, he's down with all of it. Can you imagine the fodder for this blog if Ventura were to become president? Nirvana baby!

But who's his running mate? Vince McMahon, owner of the WWE? Boy, that would have been a great choice but, alas, one of Vince's wrestling storylines implies he's gay. Of course, he can counter those charges with the allegations of sexual molestation by women. No, Vince is out. Hey, here's a brain fart: what other x-junk sport athlete is governor of a state? Bingo! Arnold Schwarzenegger. They were in that awful movie Predator together. Both are almost certainly former steroid users. And both are macho men of action, testosterone oozing down their chins. Too bad Saddam isn't still around for our boys to take turns bitch slapping the punk. A peace summit with Vladimir Putin? Forgetaboutit. Maybe a world leader's tag-team steel cage match in Geneva--Putin and Hugo Chávez v. Jesse and Arnold! The event would rake on pay per view.