Thursday, August 30, 2007

Naked Beer Heist Conspiracy

I gotta give these red necks props for originality but they need some work on the execution end of things. According to police, two red necks planned a beer heist thusly at 5:30 a.m. for Fish's Quick Stop in DeSoto, MO:

Red Neck #1: Ok, ok. Here's the deal. I get naked.
Red Neck #2: Right.
RN #1: So I'm naked with a mask on my head swinging my stuff at the store clerk.
RN #2: Brilliant! Ok, what am I doing? Am I naked too?
RN #1: No goofus. You're stealing the beer while I got the woman distracted with my schlong. You just grab a case and we're out the door. She won't know what hit her.
RN #2: What kind of beer?
RN #1: Bud stupid. We're Bud men.
RN #2: Right, right. ... Let's do it!

Unfortunately for Luke and Bo Duke, a sharp eyed patron got the license plate number on the General Lee as our two heroes made their getaway. Above is a picture of Red Neck #1 streaking from the Quick Shop @ 5:31 a.m., towel over head. They were arrested a few days later. If you have the stomach for it, here is a link to the video on Youtube.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Blue State-Red State Segregated Toilets

Back in the day, restroom facilities were segregated by race. Perhaps we need to go back to the future. First we have Republican Florida State Rep. Bob Allen who, in the restroom of a public park, solicited a male undercover police officer to receive oral sex from Rep. Allen. In his defense, Allen contends he was intimidated by the large black police officer and, due to his fear, made the offer of oral sex. Link. A big misunderstanding according to Allen. According to, Allen is a longtime foe of LGBT rights in Florida. Yesterday news broke that Republican Sen. Larry Craig (pictured) plead guilty to lewd conduct in the restroom of the Minneapolis airport. Craig is alleged to have solicited sexual conduct from an undercover police office who was in the stall next to him. According to Craig, the officer misunderstood his action and he only plead guilty to make the matter go away. Link; see the Craig police report here. I'm sure the people of Idaho will forget all about it when the senator is up for re-election next year. Last year, when gay blogger Mike Rogers alleged that Craig had engaged in same-sex relations, Craig called the story "absolutely ridiculous, almost laughable." Link. More on Sen. Craig from BlogActive.

We at Conspiracy Theory Central are now afraid to visit public restrooms for fear of being confronted by elected Republican officials seeking gay sex. We cannot sit in the stall comfortably doing nature's business when lurking nearby may be the next Rep. Allen or Sen. Craig. The only answer to this epidemic is to segregate the public toilets of America by political affiliation. Red doors with elephants for the Republicans and blue doors with donkeys for all sane Americans. The red toilets will be free fire zones where sexually repressed Republicans may let their inherent urges flow amongst their own kind.

Red State Update's take on the Sen. Larry Craig situation:

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Oprah and Bill Cosby Torpedoed Chappelle

Jonathan Lee Riches d/b/a "The White Suge Knight" was running away with the race for Conspiracy Theorist of the month ... until we at Conspiracy Theory Central came across According to the anonymous blogger at, Oprah, Bill Cosby, Louis Farrakhan, Robert I. Johnson (BET), and Al Sharpton formed a cabal calling itself "the dark crusaders" to bring down Chappelle under the premise that his degrading brand of comedy was setting back the African-American cause 50 years. Allegedly, the dark crusaders used muscle supplied by Louis Farrakhan (i.e., the Fruit of Islam) to threaten and intimidate Chappelle and his family to such an extent that Chappelle not only canceled his show but fled the country for fear of his own safety. Can you say Malcolm X?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Help General Pace Find His Gonads!

Gen. Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has suddenly and mysteriously lost his gonads. Prior reports had the General miraculously growing a heavy set of stones for use in challenging the President's surge in Iraq. Then, poof! No balls. All those with knowledge of the General's disappeared balls should call the Conspiracy Theory Central special hotline for this crisis: 1-800-GET-BALLS. Alarmingly, the Pace case is not an isolated incident. According to scientist, sufficient empirical evidence of what they are now calling "generale no testis'itis" exists to warn the public that the disease is nearing crisis levels in the Pentagon. Yes, it's a pandemic among those in uniform with stars on their epaulets. The more stars, the smaller the testicles.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Mother Teresa Wanted A Little Fun In Her Life

It was revealed recently that Mother Teresa, beatified near saint of the Catholic Church, "for the last nearly half-century of her life she felt no presence of God whatsoever * * * neither in her heart or in the Eucharist." Said Mother Teresa in a letter to her confessor, "for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great, that I look and do not see, - Listen and do not hear - the tongue moves [in prayer] but does not speak ... I want you to pray for me." Link. Her dying words were recorded as, "I want to sit around the shanty baby and put a good buzz on. I want to party like it's 1999. But I'm surrounded by all these sick, dirty, dying Indians. Jesus my love, give me a martini and salsa music when we meet in heaven." (Satire).

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Black Wednesday For Penises

Grim news met the world's penises today, a full frontal assault. First, a Russian woman did Lorena Bobbit proud. She set fire to her x-husband's penis as he sat imbibing vodka while watching television. "It was monstrously painful," the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper. "I was burning like a torch." Note to self: don't watch television naked and drunk in view of pissed off Russian x-wife.

Even more compeling, "A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry." Link. Doctors at the hospital said they would amputate if anyone could point out the tiny member.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Black Tuesday In Relationship News

As fall approaches with winter looming on the horizon, tis the season for good relationships to go bad. First came news that Sen. Barack Obama was breaking off his torrid affair with Obama Girl. Despite ten kazillion downloands of the Obama Girl video on youtube, word just reached the Obama family through the online detective work of his six year old daughter. This is why a father does not let his daughter surf the internet. Naturally, Sen. Obama is no fan of the video.

In other news, Simon Cowell announced he will be leaving American Idol when his current contract expires. Link . Said Simon, "it's emotionally draining to be on set sandwiched between two of the people I love most on this earth." This comment apparently refers to the long-rumored bi-sexual love triangle of Ryan-Simon-Paula. If true, this may help to explain Paula's perpetual medication. Then again, maybe not.

Finally comes word that Wednesday Tuesday, one of Hef's live-in bunny concubines, has bolted the Playboy Mansion. When Conspiracy Theory Central caught up with Ms. Tuesday at the Mexican border, she told us, "I've got a vial of Hef's sperm. I'm on to Brazil to clone an army of his offspring. Then we'll see what kind of child support bounty that brings." For his part, the 81-year-old Mr. Heffner is thinking of the big picture, "I'll be dead when this all plays out so who gives a fuck." After word of the opening for a bunny at the mansion hit the wire services, Playboy, Inc. was deluged with in excess of 32,000 applications from prospective bunnies. Hordes of balloon-chested blonds are camped out front of the mansion as we go to press.

(Satire Post).

Monday, August 20, 2007

"Hillbilly Heroin"

"More than 200,000 pounds of codeine, morphine, oxycodone, hydrocodone and meperidine were purchased at retail stores during the most recent year [in the USA]. That total is enough to give more than 300 milligrams of painkillers to every person in the country. Oxycodone, the chemical used in OxyContin, is responsible for most of the increase. Oxycodone use jumped nearly six-fold between 1997 and 2005. The drug gained notoriety as "hillbilly heroin," often bought and sold illegally in Appalachia. But its highest rates of sale now occur in places such as suburban St. Louis, Columbus, Ohio, and Fort Lauderdale, Fla." Link. Each of these drugs is a derivative, to some extent, of opium. Conspiracy Theory Central sat down with Fidora Marcos, spokesperson for the National Drug Sales Council. What follows is a transcript.

CTC: Thanks for granting us this interview Ms. Marcos.
Fidora: Make it quick, I'm getting my toe nails done in 10 minutes.
CTC: Just a few quick questions. What is the Drug Sales Council's position on the explosive growth of opiates in the United States.
Fidora: Well we're never satisfied with yesterday's sales. The shareholders of our member organizations demand ever increasing profits which we intend to deliver by any means necessary. And this data you presented in the lead-in is skewed.
CTC: Skewed? How so?
Fidora: It has the Rush Limbaugh sales included. Ever since the Feds illegally impinged upon Mr. Limbaugh's freedoms as a US citizen, our opiate sales have been off in the entire Southeast region.
CTC: But I don't believe Rush went to jail for his abuse of opiates.
Fidora: Abuse! He's a free white male. If he wants to use our products to manage his pain, then it should be between Mr. Limbaugh, God, and his doctors. A berserk prosecutor stuck his nose in this one.
CTC: For the sake of argument, I'll grant you the constitutional point. Conspiracy Theory Central is as Jeffersonian as the next blog. Let's change subjects. Personally, I tire of the bombardment of commercials for erectile dysfunction drugs during televised sporting events. Drug advertising used to be banned. Is this really necessary?
Fidora: Why's it bother you? Pecker not working? If it works now, just keep us in mind cause the thing will go limp eventually.
CTC: But why the advertising? Can't a person just talk with their doctor about what drug to take?
Fidora: Doctor? The medical doctors are on our team. We've gotta deal with all those witch-doctors out there selling Chinese herbs as remedies for every ailment under the sun. Then there is this big push for legalization of medical marijuana. Can you see what a threat marijuana poses to our opiate business?
CTC: Pardon. I don't see it. Marijuana is a competitor of OxyContin?
Fidora: Hello! Don't be so naive. If these nuevo hippies are allowed to puff away at will on their bongs, their use of pharmaceutical drugs is sure to drop. Heroin is another big competitor of ours. We need the DEA to get it's collective dick back in its pants and stomp down the supply of that stuff. I mean those heroin dealers have a direct marketing sales force that's dynamite out there on the streets of America.
CTC: Funny you should mention heroin. Some call OxyContin "Hillbilly Heroin". What do you say to that?
Fidora: Catchy phrase. You might be on to something. We could hire Jethro (Max Baer) as our spokesman. Granny Bodine takes a fall, hurts her back, Jethro gets her some OxyContin. Granny breaks into her square dance routine. Beautiful!

(Satire post).

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Queen Oprah Anoints Adopted Son King

Having rescued her adopted son Barack Hussein Obama as a child from an Indonesian school for Muslim boys, Queen Oprah is hosting a "celebration" for Prince Barack at her estate in Montecito, California. Gentry and commoners with the good fortune to receive an invitation shall pay $2300 for the privilege of attendance. By royal decree, garden attire is required and no cameras shall be permitted. Only the queen shall be attired in purple. Do not speak to the Queen nor Prince unless first spoken to. Any person who mentions the word "fundraiser" shall be drawn and quartered. Polite applause is required during Prince Barack's prepared remarks. Any peace activists who boo the Prince's statement that the U.S. one day may launch preemptive military strikes into Iran and Pakistan shall be caned mercilessly. Prince Barack is demonstrating to the American people that he has overcome the pot smoking, kumbaya days of his youth. He is now a serious world leader willing to spill blood in furtherance of American corporate hegemony. (Satire). For real, I'm off the Obama bandwagon.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Man Sues Bonds For Selling Steriods To Nuns

Jonathan Lee Riches a/k/a "Secured Party" d/b/a "The White Suge Knight" has filed an action in the United States District Court for the Northern District of Indiana, case #3:07CV0375, against Barry Bonds, Bud Selig and "Hank Aaron's Bat" alleging, inter alia, that--
(1) Barry Bonds and Bud Selig are in a secret conspiracy together to boost television ratings. Mr. Selig has been secretly giving Barry bonds steroids for over 9 years under the supervision of Sammy Sosa.
(2) Barry Bonds uses Hank Aaron's corked bat during ballgames.
(3) Barry bonds caused plaintiff to get federally indicted.
(4) Barry Bonds bench presssed plaintiff against his will to show off in front of ballpark buddies. "I also witnessed Mr. Bonds selling steriods to nuns."
(5) Barry Bonds used Hank Aaron's bat to crack the liberty bell.
(6) Barry Bonds joined "FARC" (a Columbian narco-terrorism organization) on December 25, 2005 during baseball winter training (what a way to spend Xmas). FARC provides Bonds with HGH tablets.
(7) Mr. Bonds gave mustard gass to Saddam Hussein as part of the oil for food scandal.

Plaintiff seeks a TRO against broadcast of all MLB games and "$42,000,000 million dollars in Swiss Francs, certified money order to the B.O.P. (Bureau of Prisons) lockbox in Des Moines, Iowa". Mr. Riches is a federal prisoner in South Carolina. Here is a Link to complaint.

I was certain Mr. Riches had lost touch with reality until I read the part about seeking payment in Swiss Francs. The man obviously follows international currency markets with cognizance that the US dollar is gonna sink like a stone. The dude knows what he's doing. Check this site out for a listing of other federal lawsuits filed by Mr. Riches. The one against Michael Vick looks promising.