Sunday, January 24, 2010

Corporations are people, hallelujah!

Conspiracy Theory Central is just pleased as punch that the United States Supreme Court has finally emancipated corporations from tyranny by declaring them to be persons entitled to the full protection of the Constitution. Can we have an amen church? Suffrage for women came to the United States in 1920. Blacks received the Civil Rights Act of 1964. But the poor downtrodden corporations of America received no justice. Congress pummeled them with the Sherman (1890) and Clayton (1914) antitrust acts. From there, things just got worse for the rights of corporations in our country. All these years later, the four horsemen (Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts) aided by their sometime companion Justice Kennedy struck a blow against oppression in the name of freedom. As Ollie North once said, money are the bullets of political war. Now the shackles have been removed from corporations allowing them unfettered political free speech rights. The natural laws of the universe demand this result.

But Conspiracy Theory Central has been thrown into a quandary by this decision of the Supreme Court. Now that corporations are persons, must we invite our many corporate friends to all the anti-Obama parties we throw down here in the bunker? If Microsoft is on the party list, do we leave off Google? Can we seat AT&T across from Verizon at the dinner table? The protocol for this new world where corporations are people will take some time for us to work through but those hunkered down in the bunker are committed to do our part. We've already spoken to Dick Cheney about it and he promises to take duck hunting any corporation with cojones large enough to stand next to him in the blind, gun locked and loaded.

p.s. What do we do with all the Tiger Woods golf apparel in our closet?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Fear The Anus Bomber

Ann Coulter is quickly asserting herself as the premier counter-terrorism expert in the world. In a recent interview with Bill O'Reilly, Ann adroitly diagnosed the weakness of the new United States airport body scanner program in light of the recent Christmas diaper bomber.

Bill: "If you have a body scan and you have a bomb in your underwear, they can see the bomb through the body scan."
Ann: "No one credible has asserted that. No they'll be able to see a container. It was spread throughout the diaper. Unless the bomb is inserted under the foreskin, and by the way, I don’t see a clear angle on the anus. That’s a pretty easy hiding place for this."

Do you see Ann's genius at work? We need to see inside the anus. Body scanners are useless because the terrorists can always shove the bomb up their anuses! The only solution is to search the anal cavity of every passenger boarding every plane in the world. Conspiracy Theory Central wakes up every morning and thanks the Lord we have Ann Coulter. We need her up on that wall.