The Jihad Against Juan McCain

The powers that be within the Republican Party are not amused. Old Man McCain won't die so they've called out the big guns. Ann Coulter's last two blog posts have pounded McCain. She thinks the country would be better off with a President Hillary than a President McCain (and Ann loathes the female species). Our boy Glenn Beck flogs McCain mercilessly on the immigration issue calling him "Juan McCain".

The powers thought they'd stuck a knife in McCain's presidential ambitions back in 2000 with their dirty push-pull campaign in South Carolina on behalf of W Bush. The smear campaign in 2000 had many in South Carolina falsely believing that McCain’s wife was a drug addict and the couple’s adopted daughter, Bridget, was McCain's bi-racial love child. Link. But the crusty old x-POW has refused to fade away.

We at Conspiracy Theory Central, like good Americans should, take our marching orders from the monied elites. It's surely divine providence that has made these people rich, thus, it is by divine right they rule the rest of us. But what exactly about John McCain gets up the ass of the Republican elite? OK, there was his immigration bill that would have granted amnesty to millions of illegals (mainly Mexicans). But didn't their boy W Bush support a strikingly similar bill? McCain supports stem cell research on embryos. Conspiracy Theory Central would lay down in the path of a speeding train to save just one microscopic embryo. Yes, let's elect Romney and save the embryos! One problem: Mitt Romney also supports stem cell research on embryos. McCain thinks waterboarding (aka the CIA sponsored swim lesson) constitutes torture and, thus, should be illegal. We can see where this alone should disqualify the man from being president. If McCain doesn't have the stomach for waterboarding terror suspects then he'll go weak at the knees on us when we need to taser grandmothers protesting the war. You see where this goes? Without waterboarding, we might as well close the military prison at Guantanamo Bay. Close Gitmo and the terror suspects will get access to the US courts system. Get judges involved and some of our terror suspects will be freed for lack of evidence. Hell, if that's the case, we ought to just hand the country over to al qaeda. The terrorists will have won!

But me thinks there is an even more fundamental reason why the big dogs of money that rule everything have trained their guns on McCain: he has championed campaign finance reform in an effort to lessen the influence of money in US elections! In fact, he has reached across the isle for the hand of the devil (aka Democratic lawmakers) in support of this cause. America from its inception has been ruled by monied elites: Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, Hamilton. Bottom line, the people with money do not trust McCain. The asshole might do something really insane like agree with the Democrats to raise taxes on the rich in an attempt to balance the budget. This man must be stopped at all costs!
(Satire)