Huck Slimes Up

Reverend Huck knows you don't bring a knife to a gun fight. The Republican presidential race will get nasty in the trenches so Huck recently hired Ed Rollins, unreconstituted Reagan political thug, as campaign manager. While manager of Christine Todd Whitman's successful bid to be governor of New Jersey, he gloated to reporters about paying "street money to dissuade black clergymen from giving sermons that encouraged parishioners to vote and to persuade Democratic workers to spend Election Day at home." Link. Can you say Donald Segretti? Conspiracy Theory Central can.

Whattaya think will be the first move out of the box for Ed "dirty tricks" Rollins? Maybe send bogus Romney Xmas cards to South Carolina voters with inflamatory Mormon quotes such as a claim that God had plural wives? Apparently the Huckster's people read my post instructing them to cram Joseph Smith up Romney's ass. An imaginative play but we expect more from Mr. Rollins. Waiting with baited breath we are for the next Rollins "ratfuck".

Oh, and here is a nice video featuring Huck's former campaign manager over @ the Born Again Redneck blog.

Fred Panders To Bubbas

We thought we liked the Viagra man. Now we know it. He just ripped Hillary a new one: "there is no woman on the horizon that ought to be president next year." Link. In an exclusive follow-up quote obtained by Conspiracy Theory Central, Fred said, "Women belong barefoot and pregnant like my wife. Hillary's too ugly to breed so I'm not sure what use she has on this planet." Misogynistic? Hell yeah! That's the point. What other major presidential candidate would make such a blatantly sexist statement in a desperate attempt to pander to the bubba vote? Fred's got balls and he ain't afraid to set them out there basking in the sunshine. But can he stay awake long enough to do the job?

Another Fred quote from Iowa, "What man are we going to set on the road — to lead us and to stand against this assault [by the tax and spend jackals]?" What man indeed Fred. An old broken down actor or a dragon slayer? Sorry Fred, I'll take the dragon slayer. Someone please fix that stupid Constitution to allow this to be so! Arnold, you're adopted country needs you. As a red meat conservative past the prime of his career, Fred's more suited to the deputy leader slot. Bring on the Hillary slayer!
(Satire)

Anglican Archbishop Goes Grinch On Xmas

Dr. Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, blasted elements of the Christian Xmas story as "legend". Link. Per Dr. Williams: no wise men (at least not three), no asses and oxen surrounding baby Jesus, and Jesus wasn't even born in December!

How does one go about impeaching an archbishop? Doesn't this guy get it? His job is the perpetuation of myth. Religious doctrine = believe no matter what. Facts are neither here nor there. Faith is what sustains us in this world. Lose the compass of moral certitude from the gut and all is lost. How did George W. Bush know invading Iraq was the right move? His gut told him. See what I mean.

Three wise men bringing frankincense and myrrh and other cool baby gifts to the manger live in our gut. They exist there without resort to historical fact. We need them. Tear down the baby Jesus story and what falls next? The virgin birth? The resurrection? Jesus' bodily ascension into heaven? I say again, how does one impeach an archbishop? This guy has to go for he threatens the very foundations of Christianity. Throw out the wise men and asses in the manger and God only knows where that leads. You are robbing us of our faith Dr. Williams! Shame on you. Does Bill O'Reilly know about this?

Rom to Huck: 'You're a stinking Clinton Liberal'

With the Huckster surging in Iowa, Romney leveled his slime gun on Huck calling him a Clinton style, tax and spend liberal (note: both are natives of Hope, Arkansas). Story. It's the mantra of unimaginative Republican campaigns--when in doubt, call you're opponent a liberal. When really in trouble, call your opponent a Clinton liberal. But listen to the reply from the Huckster: "This nonsense about being a liberal is pure nonsense." Mark his double use of the meaningless label "nonsense". Huck has an aversion to reason that we at Conspiracy Theory Central find appealing.

Governor Huck, please allow us to suggest a message in aid of your now mortal combat with Romney. The rich kid from Massachusetts claims to be the true conservative in the field. In today's GOP, conservative = evangelical. Romney's lord and savior is not Jesus Christ but Joseph Smith. Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor". Apparently Joe Smith said, "Knock on thy neighbor's door and pester the hell out of him". Politics is a blood sport Huck. You gotta take Joe Smith and cram him up Romney's ass. Do it Huck!
(Satire)

Wife's Jihad Against 'Cheapiness'

So it's Xmas time which means Conspiracy Theory Central must stare down the beast which is purchasing wife her gift. The three regular readers of this blog know that Conspiracy Theory Central is on a holy crusade against fakiness. Well wife dropped her own jihad on our head during the annual Christmas gift negotiation. Here's how it went down:

CTC: Hey baby, whatta you want from Santa?
Wife: From Santa? Not to be drunk when he hands out gifts to our extended family. From you? A David Yurman Petite Albion Round Pave Ring.
CTC (stuttering): A David what?
Wife: A designer ring. Retail around 800 big ones.
CTC (unable to comprehend such a stupendous number): Eight ... Eight ... Eight ... .
Wife: And don't pull any of your cheapiness on me.
CTC: Cheapi what?
Wife: You have your fixation on fakiness. Well mine is cheapiness. For instance, your normal cheapiness self would try to go on the internet and buy me a fake David Yurman from some shady web site.
CTC: Wife, the criticism wounds me to the core.
Wife: Truth hurts, don't it?
CTC: But wife, are we not a Christian couple?
Wife: Praise the Lord.
CTC: Upright, tracing the footprints of Jesus Christ?
Wife: You're my cross so 'yeah'.
CTC: Well then, did not Jesus say 'It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to reach the kingdom of God'?
Wife: Of course husband. I am here to assist you in reaching the kingdom of God. You'll die penniless.
CTC: Good to know you got my back.

Fred Thompson Understands Truthiness

Poor Viagra Fred. Got in the race late and stumbled out of the gate. Now the Huckster has roared past him into first place in Iowa while Fred stands mired in single digits. But give Fred credit. He's finally catching on to the thought processes of a bona fide Republican presidential candidate in the mold of Reagan or W Bush: i.e., know it from the gut, not the brain. This is the sin qua non of truthiness and that which is required to lead our great nation.

When asked about the latest National Intelligence Estimate on Iran which holds that Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program years ago, Thompson replied: "They’re undoubtedly intent upon nuclear weapons. I don’t care what this latest NIE says. That’s foolishness * * * ." Link. See the beauty of it? No facts given to countervail the consensus findings of the US intelligence community. Fred just knows pulled it out of his ass that the Iranians have a nuclear weapons program. His knowledge comes from faith and cannot be challenged with rational argument for it's foundation is divorced from reason reality.

We rejoice in the knowledge that Fred's message basks in the light of neocon dogma. His days at the American Enterprise Institute have obviously not been wasted. Booyah Fred! You might not be able to hold Dick Cheney's jock strap (few can) but we're warming to the thought of you in the deputy leader slot. Keep up the good work.

Connecting the Dots In ColoradoThe Secular Conspiracy Against Evangelicals

Tony Perkins, president of the Washington lobbying organization Family Research Council, recently emailed followers: "An Assault on Faith. It is hard not to draw a line between the hostility that is being fomented in our culture from some in the secular media toward Christians and evangelicals in particular and the acts of violence that took place in Colorado yesterday. But I will say no more for now other than that our friends at New Life Church and YWAM are in our thoughts and prayers." Link. Praise the Lord, Mr. Perkins! We at Conspiracy Theory Central have been decrying for decades since last week the vast secular conspiracy engaged in warfare against us. Five Christians gunned down for their faith is but a symptom.

Let's not mince words. A holy war, a crusade is underway. The holy war does involve the war in the east against the Muslim infidels but that is just the tip of the struggle. As our dear President W Bush has so eloquently stated, "if you are not with us, you're against us." Everybody not lined up behind the banner of Jesus Christ is our enemy. It's as simple as that. And Mr. Perkins has placed his finger at the heart of the enemy, the secular media. By media, I take him to mean not just televised news but, also, all transmitted entertainment bombarding our society every waking moment of every day. That's right, John Steward, Brittney Spears, Oprah, Barry Bonds, P Diddy, Nelly, Stephen Colbert (the dangerous purveyor of fakiness), Angelina Jolie, Al Gore, Mickey Mouse, the Teletubbies.

They are agents of a vast secular (re: anti-Jesus) cabal engaged in an assault against our Christian nation. Some may say that Matthew Murray, the shooter at Ted Haggard's church and the youth ministry in Colorado, was himself the child of evangelical Christian parents raised in the faith. Link. But look more closely for uncovering high level conspiracy requires scratching the surface. It has been reported that Murray was kicked out of the Christian youth ministry for "health" reasons in 2002. An even closer review finds that Murray performed a dark Marilyn Manson rock song at the center before being expelled. Link Do you see the light? Poor Matthew Murray, son of good Christians, was overwhelmed by the voices of evil. If ever there was a poster boy for the secular, godless media - entertainment monster, it would have to be Marilyn Manson. I might not have discerned the finger prints of the beast in this case without astute direction from Tony Perkins. Booyah to the Family Research Council.
(Satire)

O'Reilly Calls Out Evil

Papa Bear O'Reilly: "If you read these far-left websites, you’re a devil worshipper. You are. * * * Satan is running the DailyKos. Yes, he is!” Link. We have a confession to make to our spiritual guru, Papa Bear O'Reilly: yes, we at Conspiracy Theory Central have viewed liberal web sites. Please forgive us for our sins. But we acted for educational purposes only. To understand and avoid evil, one must study it. The liberal blogosphere is so titillating, so intoxicating. And those liberal tramps so damn seductive! Yes, we were sucked into their orbit by verbal crack cocaine, political porn!

Blessed be Papa Bear O'Reilly for setting us back on the straight path of Fox News with a warm embrace from Ann (his high priest or priestess, as the case may be). Those godless, leftist pigs must be devils or why else would they appear to make so much rational sense? Does not the Book of Revelation warn of a smooth talking, charismatic anti-christ? Those versed in gematria can instantly see that "DailyKos" translates using Sumerian numerology into 666. Yes, the number of the devil's prince. How could we have been blind to it for so long? But Papa Bear, steady in faith, peered with spiritual sight through the liberal haze to see the devil at work. Booyah Bill!

Bill is a humble man of faith. We know that he shall grant us his forgiveness for our transgressions because he himself has fallen. The seductiveness of the liberal left can infiltrate the most upright of men. A former employee, who we can only surmise was an agent of the sinful left, briefly led Bill astray with pregnant fantasies of soapy "loofa mits" in the shower, "hard nipples" and "spectacular boobs". Link. Thus, you know our suffering Papa Bear. You know what it means to give in to liberal seduction only to later see the light like Saint Paul on the road to Damascus. God praise your wisdom and spiritual sight into the darkness that is the liberal blogosphere with singular attention to the Satanic prince behind the DailyKos.

The Bill Prayer
Our Bill, who art on Fox
Hallowed be thy name
May thy ratings come
Thy will be done, on cable television as it is in Washington.
Give us this day our daily thoughts
And forgive us our trespasses, as you have forgiven them against you
And lead us not into loofa temptation
But deliver us from leftist evil
For thine is the Murdoch kingdom, and the advertising dollars, and the ratings, for ever and ever. Amen.

The Hidden Dangers of Fakiness

There is a danger lurking among us. It hides behind nerdy glasses and a geeked up patrician veneer. Yes, we are referring to Stephen Colbert, the inventor of "truthiness".

Don't be fooled by his cute eccentricities. The clumsy fall on the set breaking his wrist. The bear phobia. Notice how Colbert manipulates our national symbols--the flag, the American eagle--as stage props. His attacks on the leftists while lauding "poppa bear" O'Reilly sooth our ears. But this man represents the gravest hidden danger to the youth of our country since the Communist conspiracy to fluoridate our drinking water during the Cold War (uncovered by Brig. Gen. Jack D. Ripper).

What is "truthiness"? It's truth that emanates from the gut without resort to reason. Yes, we are speaking of faith. Without faith, man is lost. Faith is our only lifeline to God for the reason of our limited human brains is unable to grasp the fullness of God. But Colbert, in exalting truthiness a/k/a faith, mocks we the true believers of conservative America. How do we know this? Colbert's obscene roast of our dear President W Bush gave us a clue. Yes, we laughed at the patrician munchkin but his sarcasm bites. Absorbing it saps the purity of our precious bodily fluids.

Ladies and gentlemen, Colbert peddles in fakiness. Fakiness is pretend truthiness meant as satirical criticism of its object. It's so seductive in its rhetoric that we are hypnotized into ignorance of the insult before us. How else does one explain this poisonous viper being placed on the podium in a place of honor with our Dear Leader and handed a microphone then used to insult the President of the United States of America? It's an outrage. Upon our authority as a nationally certified conspiracy theory blogger, we do hereby declare a jihad against fakiness. Colbert, beware! We see the evil truth behind your veil of geekdome.

Huckabee--Hear No News, See Evil Everywhere

Conspiracy Theory Central is beginning to warm to the candidacy of Gov. Huckabee, the rock 'n roll minister. The Huckster is for staying in Iraq till hell freezes over and bombing Iran back to before the dawn of time. Booyah Huck! This week, we got to see how he handles contrary opinions. News on the Axis of Evil front: "The US National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) on Iran concluded this week that Iran probably did once have a plan to develop a nuclear bomb but halted this in 2003 and had not restarted ... ." BBC News. The Huckster's response: NIE, what NIE? Never heard of it. Link. Brilliant! A cross between Dear Leader W Bush and Sargent Schultz from the 70's TV show Hogan's Heroes. How can the liberal media jackals cross-examine Huck about the NIE when he's never heard of it? Complete stiff arm. This guy has more presidential potential than Conspiracy Theory Central previously imagined.
(Satire).