Who's going nuclear on the antichrist?

Is there anyone left in the Democratic Party with cajones other than Hillary Clinton? Brother Beck rightly calls her the antichrist. Look, here's the deal. Unless a democratic presidential contender other than one highly resembling a munchkin (that's you Kucinich) takes the antichrist by the horns, she will be the democratic nominee for president. Link. Somebody has to man up and do it quickly because there ain't a snowball's chance in hell Tutti Frutti Rudy or Viagra Fred can slay the two-headed Clinton monster on its march to the White House. Conspiracy Theory Central sees only two men who, jointly, can defeat the beast. The only hope for us all is an Obama / Edwards good cop / bad cop coordinated assault. Edwards can't win. Can't raise enough treasure. Already endlessly milked the fact that his wife has cancer. He's a friggin lawyer for christ's sake. Surely he knows how to slime an opponent. Quickly sir knight. Grab your sword and smote the dragon. Iowa is nay upon us. Hussein Obama, the manchurian candidate, must stay above the fray effecting a King Aurthur to your Lancelot. There's lots of dirt to dredge--failed healthcare plans, votes for the war, votes for the patriot act, vote authorizing action against Iran, money raised from dirty sources, the lesbian rumblings ... hey, this is thermal nuclear war. Slim away sir knight knowing that you serve a higher power--the Republican Party. We are powerless against Clinton & Clinton but Hussein Osama is vulnerable prey. Somebody over there in the Democratic Party grow some balls and take care of this problem for us!

But one dragon slayer does exist on the right. A former Austrian corporal like Hitler. An actor and governor of California like Reagan. Yes, someone with the stomach for the job. But, as he's not a natural born United States citizen, the Constitution cock blocks us. Dick Cheney has done yeoman work tearing that quaint anachronism to shreds yet still it haunts our ambitions. If the antichrist wins in 2008, Supreme Leader Cheney is just going to have to again send Bush to an Air Force base in Nebraska while suspending the Constitution until the War on Terror (aka Crusade IV) ends or hell freezes over (whichever comes first).
(Satire)

Dumbledore, Queer Eye For Kids

Dumbledore! There's one in every wood pile. Conspiracy Theory Central is just now recovering from the Teletubbies. Notice the connection? Both British children's entertainment. Look what happened to Star Trek. You start with Captain James T. Kirk, a man's man of action and the knowing wink at the pretty young ensign. You know Kirk jumped Uhura somewhere in those long travels across the universe. In the remake, "Star Trek: The Next Generation", Kirk morphs into a namby pamby Brit with a French name: Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Too professional, a consensus seeker. How come he never jumped on Counselor Deanna Troi? Did you see the rack popping out of her skin tight star fleet uni? Of course, a man can't miss it. But Picard's oblivious. Dumbledore! Conspiracy Theory Central has often wondered about Tony Blair. Those long stays down at the ranch in Crawford. The pretty soft tone of his voice. The culture of his language. He sounds like Jean-Luc Picard. Dumbledore!

When Conspiracy Theory Central turned 16, our father gave us a bottle of Old Spice. We splashed it on and remarked, "Dad, it smells like horse piss." Father instructed us that this is what a man should smell like. Beware of the female bringing her man perfume disguised with that French name, cologne. Next thing she takes you for a manicure and pedicure. Obvious Dubmledore! Dad neglected to warn us about the Brits. We remember him looking askance at Benny Hill, the cross-dressing comic, but he didn't clue us in to the wider Brit queer eye conspiracy. Now we know. They're all Dumbledore!
(Satire)

Glenn Beck, Comedic Genius

Conspiracy Theory Central is a Glenn Beck fan. We've rejoiced in his pummeling of the usual suspects: Hillary Clinton (the "Antichrist" and "stereotypical bitch"), Al Gore (a Nazi propagandist), and former President Jimmy Carter (a "waste of skin"). Media Matters link 1 and Media Matters link 2. Good stuff. But what sets Glenn apart from the average champion of truth reverberating within the echo chamber of the MSM is his fearlessness delivering shots against the suffering or oppressed.

• Illegal immigrants are either "terrorists," outlaws, or people who "can't make a living in their own dirtbag country", Link.
• Cindy Sheehan: "That's a pretty big prostitute", Link.
• Renamed nukes "climate-control devices," suggested bombing Venezuela, Link.
• Referred to survivors of Hurricane Katrina who remained in New Orleans as "scumbags", Link.
• Ann Coulter was "right" about the "9-11 wives." Further, "I like Ann Coulter," and said he did not "have a problem" with her characterization of some 9-11 widows as "the witches of East Brunswick." Link.

Few media personalities possess the cohones to take on the sacred cows. Ann Coulter is another such patriot but Conspiracy Theory Central has not been able to confirm whether Ann has testes. See Ann Coulter is a Conspiracy Theorist's Wet Dream.

Back to Glenn Beck. He recently commented on the godless atheists of the Republic of California where Dante's inferno rages: "[A] handful of people who hate America ... are losing their homes in a forest fire today". Link. Conspiracy Theory Central gave a Tiger Woods fist pump upon hearing the words from Glenn. But the Beckster now says he was only joking. Link. Say what??? So were you joking about Cindy Sheehan and the 9-11 widows and bombing Venezuela and the Katrina refugees ... and all the other good stuff we tune into your show for? Conspiracy Theory Central was shaken.

Then the genius of it hit us: Glenn Beck is a new kind of satirist. Since the dawn of comedy, satire has been about poking fun at power. In medieval times, only the court jester possessed authorization to mock the king. So the tradition was set. The genius of Mr. Beck has been to take this tradition and turn it on its head, he attacks the powerless. Glenn Beck mocks people as their homes and worldly possessions go up in flames, a mother whose only son died in Iraq, poor immigrants lacking legal status. He cheers Ann Coulter as she savages the 9-11 widows who dare to speak out in Congress. Some have said Conspiracy Theory Central is not the sharpest tool in the shed. Forgive us Mr. Beck for having missed the genius of your comedy. We're certain you have launched a new genre.
(Satire).

Huckabee--The Looming Hippie Drug Abuse Medicare Crisis

First, a few thoughts on the candidacy of Gov. Michael Huckabee for president of the United States.

The Good: Likes to throw around the word "Islamofascism" in speeches. This is one of Conspiracy Theory Central's favorite words. Derived from the term "whopofascist" popularly applied to Italian dictator Gen. Benito Mussolini in the 1930s. The first whopofascist was Julius Caesar. Back to Huckabee. Lost 110 pounds while governor of Arkansas. Baptist minister who plays guitar in a rock and roll band. Chuck Norris just endorsed him.

The Bad: Can we have a president named Huckabee? Sounds too much like hillbilly. And he's from Arkansas, the land of Clinton. Even freakier, Huckabee was born in Hope, Arkansas, the birthplace of Bill Clinton. Conspiracy Theory Central has crunched the numbers and determined it's a near mathematical certainty that two people born in Hope, Arkansas within a decade of each other are related.

Recent Mike Huckabee quote: "And we've got a situation with 10,000 baby boomers a day signing up for Social Security, going into the Medicare system. And I just want to remind everybody when all the old hippies find out that they get free drugs, just wait until what that's going to cost out there." Link. Huckabee is spot on this issue. If someone as brain dead as Rush Limbaugh can figure out how to abuse prescription medications, whatya wanna bet the hordes of aged hippies rolling into the medicare system are going to figure out how to milk the system for a taxpayer supplied eternal buzz? This is an issue that frosts Conspiracy Theory Central's cock! Why can't the godforsaken old hippies just sit in their nursing homes and suffer like normal patriotic Americans? We can breath just a tad easier knowing Mike Huckabee is sounding the clarion call against the onset of the looming hippie drug abuse medicare tsunami.
(Satire)

Bomber Kristol Strikes Again

Bill Kristol is a Conspiracy Theory Central kinda guy. Watching a full-loaded B-52 lumber across the dawn sky brings wood to our shorts. And what's the use of the United States Air Force owning all these gleaming bombers unless we get to bomb the snot out of a country every so often? I mean the boys can't stay sharp dropping bombs in Nevada forever. Which brings us to Syria and Iran. Bill Kristol declared a fatwa on both countries like eons ago. So what's the holdup? Both countries are chocked full of IslamoFascists who don't give us oil. So fire up the B-52s, hump the cruise missiles into range, and let's party.

But our disheartening world is not so rational. The squeamish American public demands a fig leaf of "just cause" to hide behind before doing God's work. And were not a presidential election on the horizon, I doubt Dick Cheney would wait for the fig leaf. Not to worry. Bomber Kristol has rescued our country's conscience yet again. When we wanted to destroy Iraq, Kristol let us know Saddam Hussein was a co-conspirator with Osama Bin Laden in 9-11. Case closed. Invade Iraq. Now Bill has let it be known that Iran is "the only real threat * * * to relative success in Iraq." Think Progress. Behold the beauty of the man's logic! Of course, we need to bomb Iran back to the stone age in order to secure our glorious victory in the rubble that once was a country known as Iraq. President Bush can then land on a carrier and unfurl a banner reading "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ... AGAIN".

Brother Kristol, please forgive Conspiracy Theory Central for expressing a trifling contrary thought to the genius of your argument vis-a-vis Iran: Do not Hillary Clinton and Barak Hussein Obama also stand in the way of our success in Iraq? Is there not a way for us to bomb them together with the godless Iranians? I'm sure you'll dictate to us what our thoughts should be on the matter shortly.
(Satire)

PETA Saves The Pork Chops From Suffering

Hardees is on an intensive mission to assist every human with a bony ass. Yes, it is a thing of beauty, the Hardees "Monster Thickburger" — two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. Story. Note: for the dyslexic, that's angus, not anus. The nutritional news: 1,420-calories with 970 of those from fat. We need to rush a case of these over to Nicole Richie. But what about breakfast? The good folks at Hardees have you covered there as well my peeps. They've got the new 920-calorie Breakfast Burrito or, for those yearning to go large after plopping out of bed, The Big Country Breakfast Platter with breaded pork chops logging in with 1220 calories.

But what about the animals?!?! That's the first question jumping into our mind as we hunch over a plate of yummy comfort food loaded with fat. We wonder, did the animal from whence this dead flesh came suffer before its slaughter? Did our burger suffer before it was a burger? How about the 1220 calorie breaded pork chop? Did the pork chop get to free range or was it confined to a gestation crate prior to donating its flesh to our breakfast? Really, we lay awake nights anguishing over these questions.

So it was with great relief that we read the joint press release from CKE (owner of Hardees) and PETA. Hardees will henceforth purchase 15 percent of its pork from suppliers that do not use gestation crates, metal enclosures that confine sows, and 2 percent of its eggs from hens who are not confined to wire cages. "We commend CKE for taking these important steps to improve the conditions of animals raised and killed for its restaurants," PETA Vice President Bruce Friedrich said in a statement. "Consumers oppose the cruel treatment of animals." Link. Thanks PETA. We'll sleep contentedly tonight, belly full of Thick Burger, visions of breaded pork chops dancing round our dreamy head.
(Satire)

Tutti Frutti, Oh Rudy, Bop bopa-a-lu a whop bam boo

We at Conspiracy Theory Central are warming to the candidacy of Rudy Giuliani. This guy seems to have more skeletons in the closet than a werewolf in London. Thrice married. Boring, where's the tutti frutti? Names Bernard Kerik police commissioner of NYC. Later goes into a consulting business with Kerik and talks George Bush into nominating Kerik to head US Homeland Security. Kerik turns out to have ties to mobsters and, if news reports are correct, shall shortly be indicted by the Department of Justice for tax evasion and corruption charges stemming from his days as head of the NYC prison system. Kerik was also on the board of Taser International and Conspiracy Theory Central loves the taser.

OK, that's tutti. How about frutti? "Giuliani left his second wife, Donna Hanover, to be with Judy Nathan [the third wife], the nurse who cared for him while he had cancer. Hanover heard the news at the same time as the rest of the world: during a Giuliani press conference. * * * Giuliani’s first wife is also his second cousin." Link. Nice frutti. "Giuliani and his firm have also faced protests for employing a Giuliani childhood friend and Catholic priest, Alan Placa, who was barred from priestly duties after being accused of molesting boys more than two decades ago." Link. Coddling an accused child molester / priest. And, did we mention Rudy the cross dresser? Oh baby, we got our tutti frutti! Who knew Giuliani possessed such a depth of presidential qualities?
(Satire).

Go Easy on Michelle, She's Cross-Eyed

"Rather than have a senator or a congressman respond to President Bush's weekly radio address, [the Democrats] decided to have a child who was helped by the SCHIP program [health care for poor children] speak directly to the public. But the 12-year-old boy (Graeme Frost) whom Democrats chose as their poster child is now at the center of a firestorm in Washington and beyond." Link. According to Michelle Malkin, the Dems have made this poor child fair game for the right's media machine, which has declared a jihad on the kid. The Frost family of four lives on a combined income of $50,000! Sayeth Michelle Malkin, these folks are damn rich yet they wish to suck at the bloated tit of public assistance. We at Conspiracy Theory Central have an exclusive followup statement from Mz. Malkin on the Graeme Frost dustup, "Look at me. Do you see the cross-eyes I've been forced to live with from birth?!? Do I gravel at the public trough asking the government to fix my horrible disfigurement? No, self-reliance is an American virtue and, despite my immigrant roots, I'm a true American. I don't take public assistance and I hate on all immigrants. We're a nation of immigrants that has a long history of trying to shut the door after our ancestors snuck in from the poor countries of their origin."
(Satire)

Ann Coulter is a Conspiracy Theorist's Wet Dream

"Syndicated columnist Ann Coulter: 'If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. * * * It's a personal fantasy of mine. * * * And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women." Story. Great idea ... but don't you publicly represent yourself as a single woman? Would this not constitute self-hate? Women as a category are a well worn field for Ann Coulter invective: see, the 9-11 widows, Cincy Sheehan, Hillary Clinton, et alia.

We at Conspiracy Theory Central love Ann Coulter. Find me an easier subject from which to construct gorgeous conspiracy? Senator Toe Tapper, Larry Craig? Please, he appears no more than a dirty old aficionado of the tea room trade. Dime a dozen. OK, there is Jeff Gannon / Guckert / Gosch? More on this. But Jeff Gannon is an enshrined member of the Conspiracy Theory Hall of Fame so it would be like comparing Gail Sears to LaDainian Tomlinson. Just not fair to LT. Out of the active players in the field of political conspiracy, Ann Coulter's off the charts.

Arthur Coltrane. At the heart of the Ann Coulter paradox lies her adam's apple, the man apple. The blogosphere has trumpeted this for years. But it gets better. Check out this blog post: "The public should know that some 20 years ago Arthur Coltrane’s doting mother Darlene, heiress to a hog farming fortune, sent her unhappy teenage homosexual son to Copenhagen for a sex-change operation by the world-renowned surgeon Dr. Magnus Johansson. The ever-obliging doctor acceded to Darlene Coltrane’s request, and following the operation gave her the severed penis in a jar of formaldehyde. She keeps it in her bedroom." Link. It is because of Ann's flaming quotes that my boys in the conspiracy theory community are able to concoct far out theories to hang on her. With someone this unbalanced, who knows?

Saddam's Anticipatory WMD Fraud

Fred is a Conspiracy Theory Central kinda guy. Cool actor. Old, balding dude with a semi-hot wife. But we always found Fred, how do you say this? BLAND! Listening to a Fred Thompson campaign speech is like watching spit dry on a summer sidewalk. But I think Fred is on to something. He says Saddam really did have WMD even though we invaded his suck-ass country failing to come up with jack after four long years of searching. Nadda, zippo, zero WMD. In steps Fred. He has devised daydreamed a way around the facts. "'We can't forget the fact that although at a particular point in time we never found any WMD down there, he clearly had had WMD. He clearly had had the beginnings of a nuclear program,' the former Tennessee senator told an audience of about 60 at a Newton cafe." Des Moines Register.

We get where you are coming from Fred. It's like when the early Christians had to deal with the fact that pagans for centuries had myths of a god-man who performed miracles, suffered, died, and overcame death to rise again. See Dionysus and Osiris, et alia. How did the good church fathers navigate around this embarrassing fact? Genius. They claimed the godless pagans plagiarized the central mystery of Christianity through anticipation. You see, the pagans somehow conspired with the devil to learn of the life and death of Jesus before he actually lived and died. They then plagiarized Jesus before he ever existed. Brilliant!

Fred has stumbled upon the grand Saddam conspiracy of anticipatory WMD fraud. You see, Saddam had WMDs, nuclear, biological, the works. Yeah, he still had loads of the stuff after we bombed the snot out of his country during Gulf War I (circa 1991). Saddam knew the US was invading his country. Fred's theory: rather than light up our troops with his dangerous WMD hoard as we massed at his boarder, old Saddam destroyed all his WMDs, including any verifiable trace of their existence, moments before we invaded. Very clever. Saddam gets the last laugh by denying our government capture of the raison d'etre of its entire invasion. Fred Thompson is well on his way to Conspiracy Theorist of the Month. Keep up the solid work Fred.
(Satire)