"Hillbilly Heroin"

"More than 200,000 pounds of codeine, morphine, oxycodone, hydrocodone and meperidine were purchased at retail stores during the most recent year [in the USA]. That total is enough to give more than 300 milligrams of painkillers to every person in the country. Oxycodone, the chemical used in OxyContin, is responsible for most of the increase. Oxycodone use jumped nearly six-fold between 1997 and 2005. The drug gained notoriety as "hillbilly heroin," often bought and sold illegally in Appalachia. But its highest rates of sale now occur in places such as suburban St. Louis, Columbus, Ohio, and Fort Lauderdale, Fla." Link. Each of these drugs is a derivative, to some extent, of opium. Conspiracy Theory Central sat down with Fidora Marcos, spokesperson for the National Drug Sales Council. What follows is a transcript.
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CTC: Thanks for granting us this interview Ms. Marcos.
Fidora: Make it quick, I'm getting my toe nails done in 10 minutes.
CTC: Just a few quick questions. What is the Drug Sales Council's position on the explosive growth of opiates in the United States.
Fidora: Well we're never satisfied with yesterday's sales. The shareholders of our member organizations demand ever increasing profits which we intend to deliver by any means necessary. And this data you presented in the lead-in is skewed.
CTC: Skewed? How so?
Fidora: It has the Rush Limbaugh sales included. Ever since the Feds illegally impinged upon Mr. Limbaugh's freedoms as a US citizen, our opiate sales have been off in the entire Southeast region.
CTC: But I don't believe Rush went to jail for his abuse of opiates.
Fidora: Abuse! He's a free white male. If he wants to use our products to manage his pain, then it should be between Mr. Limbaugh, God, and his doctors. A berserk prosecutor stuck his nose in this one.
CTC: For the sake of argument, I'll grant you the constitutional point. Conspiracy Theory Central is as Jeffersonian as the next blog. Let's change subjects. Personally, I tire of the bombardment of commercials for erectile dysfunction drugs during televised sporting events. Drug advertising used to be banned. Is this really necessary?
Fidora: Why's it bother you? Pecker not working? If it works now, just keep us in mind cause the thing will go limp eventually.
CTC: But why the advertising? Can't a person just talk with their doctor about what drug to take?
Fidora: Doctor? The medical doctors are on our team. We've gotta deal with all those witch-doctors out there selling Chinese herbs as remedies for every ailment under the sun. Then there is this big push for legalization of medical marijuana. Can you see what a threat marijuana poses to our opiate business?
CTC: Pardon. I don't see it. Marijuana is a competitor of OxyContin?
Fidora: Hello! Don't be so naive. If these nuevo hippies are allowed to puff away at will on their bongs, their use of pharmaceutical drugs is sure to drop. Heroin is another big competitor of ours. We need the DEA to get it's collective dick back in its pants and stomp down the supply of that stuff. I mean those heroin dealers have a direct marketing sales force that's dynamite out there on the streets of America.
CTC: Funny you should mention heroin. Some call OxyContin "Hillbilly Heroin". What do you say to that?
Fidora: Catchy phrase. You might be on to something. We could hire Jethro (Max Baer) as our spokesman. Granny Bodine takes a fall, hurts her back, Jethro gets her some OxyContin. Granny breaks into her square dance routine. Beautiful!

(Satire post).