Archbishop of Canterbury Goes Bonkers

You may recall our post from December calling out Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, for his assault on Christmas. We obviously have an eye for the snake in the grass. "In a BBC interview on Thursday, he referred to the use of sharia in some personal or domestic issues ... . Asked if sharia needed to be applied in some cases for community cohesion, Williams said: 'It seems unavoidable.'" Link. What's next, beheadings in Trafalgar Square? The British people are, rightfully, going ballistic over this comment.

Archbishop Williams doesn't get it. George Bush and Tony Blair, god love them, have set the western world on a crusade not just against the Islamic lands but, also, Islam itself. The Catholics get it. They picked a pope who wore the German military uniform in Adolph Hitler's army. Archbishop Williams is suggesting appeasement ala Neville Chamberlain circa 1938. If Muslims want to live in Britain or America, they should become good British or American citizens. That means living under the laws of their country, paying taxes, and learning to speak English.

But should we stop there? Does not the war on terror trump all else? As W Bush and Anakin Skywalker have famously said, "You're either with me or you're against me!" That means kissing the ring of Jesus. Conspiracy Theory Central posits that, for the preservation of western civilization and winning the war on terror, there ultimately will be only one logical recourse: bring back the inquisition and forcibly convert all people to Christianity. God knows Jesus wanted it this way. Let's take off the gloves and get serious about this war on terror thing. As for that quaint old document called the US Constitution, the sooner Dick Cheney finishes the job of tearing the thing to shreds the better.
(Satire)
 

The Jihad Against Juan McCain

The powers that be within the Republican Party are not amused. Old Man McCain won't die so they've called out the big guns. Ann Coulter's last two blog posts have pounded McCain. She thinks the country would be better off with a President Hillary than a President McCain (and Ann loathes the female species). Our boy Glenn Beck flogs McCain mercilessly on the immigration issue calling him "Juan McCain".

The powers thought they'd stuck a knife in McCain's presidential ambitions back in 2000 with their dirty push-pull campaign in South Carolina on behalf of W Bush. The smear campaign in 2000 had many in South Carolina falsely believing that McCain’s wife was a drug addict and the couple’s adopted daughter, Bridget, was McCain's bi-racial love child. Link. But the crusty old x-POW has refused to fade away.

We at Conspiracy Theory Central, like good Americans should, take our marching orders from the monied elites. It's surely divine providence that has made these people rich, thus, it is by divine right they rule the rest of us. But what exactly about John McCain gets up the ass of the Republican elite? OK, there was his immigration bill that would have granted amnesty to millions of illegals (mainly Mexicans). But didn't their boy W Bush support a strikingly similar bill? McCain supports stem cell research on embryos. Conspiracy Theory Central would lay down in the path of a speeding train to save just one microscopic embryo. Yes, let's elect Romney and save the embryos! One problem: Mitt Romney also supports stem cell research on embryos. McCain thinks waterboarding (aka the CIA sponsored swim lesson) constitutes torture and, thus, should be illegal. We can see where this alone should disqualify the man from being president. If McCain doesn't have the stomach for waterboarding terror suspects then he'll go weak at the knees on us when we need to taser grandmothers protesting the war. You see where this goes? Without waterboarding, we might as well close the military prison at Guantanamo Bay. Close Gitmo and the terror suspects will get access to the US courts system. Get judges involved and some of our terror suspects will be freed for lack of evidence. Hell, if that's the case, we ought to just hand the country over to al qaeda. The terrorists will have won!

But me thinks there is an even more fundamental reason why the big dogs of money that rule everything have trained their guns on McCain: he has championed campaign finance reform in an effort to lessen the influence of money in US elections! In fact, he has reached across the isle for the hand of the devil (aka Democratic lawmakers) in support of this cause. America from its inception has been ruled by monied elites: Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, Hamilton. Bottom line, the people with money do not trust McCain. The asshole might do something really insane like agree with the Democrats to raise taxes on the rich in an attempt to balance the budget. This man must be stopped at all costs!
(Satire)

Ethan Hunt To Clean Up The World

Conspiracy Theory Central is very afraid. We think Ethan Hunt is coming for us. You see, we're not a Scientologist. Mr. Hunt said, and I quote, "I won't hesitate to put ethics on someone." In translation from Scientologese, Hunt is saying he will make others conform to L. Ron Hubbard's rules of behavior. Link. Conspiracy Theory Central is a world class non-conformist. We fear we are on Mr. Hunt's radar screen. He says the Scientology "orgs" are only here to help us. That a Scientologist sees the world as it really is and can create his or her own reality. That Scientologists are the experts on the mind. That they are the only ones with the knowledge to help the world. That extraterrestrial Thetans inhabit each one of us who has not been "cleared" by Scientology. Scary stuff but this is the part that whams us in the gut. Mr. Hunt says "these are the times now people ... so what do you say, we gonna clean this place up?" To which the gathered faithful roar, "YEAH."

I don't want the Scientology red pill. Give me the blue pill damn it!!! Just leave those Thetans inside of me. I enjoy the company. And here I wasted time being afraid of Hillary Clinton!



Mr. Hunt's acceptance speech given after receiving an award from Scientology. Camera left is a very large portrait of L. Ron Hubbard. Mr. Hunt salutes it after his speech, intoning, "to LRH".

Photographic Proof Hillary Is A Mutant

My God, look at that hand. Do you see it? This is the hand of an alien. We have the evidence! She's gotta be one of those alien reptile beings walking around wearing the mask of a frumpy middle-aged, white lady. Oohh, I'd hate to see Hillary's inner alien. The mask scares the piss out of me all by it's lonesome. Bill sure knows how to pick 'em. Hillary for a wife and Monica for a mistress.