Saturday, October 24, 2009

We Need Fleshy White Dudes Running Our Country

Fleshy white dudes (especially bald ones) made this country. George Washington, check. Ben Franklin, double wide check. President Howard Taft, hello! At this moment our country has a skinny black president with hair on his head. This is an abomination to western civilization. Our media is chock full of corpulent, pale males (see Limbaugh, Beck, and Dobbs) but the political leadership in this nation is devoid of Limbaughness. We could go on and on lamenting this sorry state of affairs but the question remains what to do about it?

It is the desire of every true American to see our beloved Deputy Leader Cheney elected president of the USA; however, his heart is short of ticks. Leader Cheney sacrificed his own personal vitality for the nation during 8 long years of service next to W Bush. It's just too much of us to ask from this man who has given so much. No friends, we must let Leader Cheney frolic in the fields to his own contentment, shotgun at the ready, menace to birds and old friends alike. We must cast our eyes about for new leadership. On first glance, Reverend Governor Huckabee has that which we seek. White male, check. He's friends with Chuck Norris and Ted Nugent, big check. But he lost 105 pounds. It's almost like Huckabee is not proud to be a fat white male. That's like denying your inner self. And we suspect he does a Biden combover. Any self-respecting conservative bares the scalp with pride! Who needs hair when you've got money? The reverend governor and Donald Trump do not get it.

We love Sara Palin but, despite all the moose and wolves killed, we're 92.25% confident she ain't got testicles between her legs. Mitt Romney lacks the bulk and baldness we require. Besides, Romney's father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico where his family fled to practice polygamy. Link. We're not 100% certain Mitt ain't part Mexican. No, the Mitt don't fit.

Where is our savior? This morning, while doing opposition research reading a leftist blog, I stumbled across the answer: Roger Ailes. Fleshy, big check. Bald, check. Pale like an albino. Before founding Fox News, Roger was a political consultant to Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and George H.W. Bush. Ailes produced the famous Willie Horton campaign ads that torpedoed Michael Dukakis in the 1988 election. America desperately needs this sort of political savvy leading our great nation. Kudos to whoever first urged Roger to run for president. Some may say running Fox News is not a job giving one the proper political experience to be a candidate. In response, we direct your attention to the words of the Obama Administration. Has not Hussein Obama (or his underlings) called Fox News an organ of the Republican party? If true, has not Roger been working in the political field all these many years? It's the best training we can think of to run the country. Roger Ailes in 2012!

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