Herman Cain for Antichrist 2013

Conspiracy Theory Central hoped Rand Paul would run for president in 2012 but we suppose he could not do so without stepping on the old man's toes. That would be like Apollo running against Zeus for god of the universe. And Sarah Palin, our shinning angel, also decided not to run in 2012 ... although she regularly appears on television pretending to run. Sarah has babies to feed back home in Alaska and being a fake candidate pays well so one cannot really blame her for taking the gig.

Which brings us to Herman Cain. Whereas Sarah Palin is a real politician only pretending to run for president, Herman is a fake politician actually running for president. Herman is the ying to Sarah's yang. What a beautiful presidential ticket it would be (Herman on top, as God decreed). Sarah likes to flirt with the camera. Herman likes flirty women. You can see the synergies, no? Conspiracy Theory Central was initially confused by the Cain campaign but, with the fourth woman stepping forward to allege sexual harassment, we now see the political genius that is Herman Cain. Obama used the slogan, "audacity of hope". Herman should use, "audacity of audacity". Here is a guy with zero experience as an elected official nor does it appear from his biography that he has held a full-time job since 1999. Herman says, fuck it, I'm running for President of the United States! That's pure balls. And the way he handles the media is genius in motion. When asked about the sexual harassment allegations, Mr. Cain first denied knowledge of any such claims. When later pressed with evidence of the existence of the harassment claims, Herman replied simply, "Let Herman be Herman." Brilliant!

But Conspiracy Theory Central believes we are on to something even bigger. Why does a man with no political credentials and multiple sexual harassment allegations in his past decide to run for President of the United States (well, besides the fact that the billionaire Hunt brothers asked him too)? We were stumped by this one at first until reflecting on Herman's 999 tax plan that he apparently borrowed from the SimCity video game. If you turn 999 upside down it reads 666! Then out of darkness came light. Herman is using his quixotic 2012 presidential campaign as a vast Trojan horse for his stealth campaign for the Antichrist election in 2013! Shear genius Herman. Here are a couple of thoughts on that score. Make sure you attend the August straw pole at the annual Wican convention and the summer solstice gathering at Carhenge in Nebraska is a must. Best of luck to Herman in 2013.

Note: We hot linked to a picture of Herman Cain (see upper right corner of article) but the folks at Cain Central did us a huge favor and changed our intended photo of Mr. Cain with the universal image of the Anti-Christ. How apropos! Thanks Herman.

Satire.

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Conspiracy Theory Central Is in Heat For Rand Paul

Is this dude friggin brilliant or what? Although his name is Randall he calls himself Rand to evoke the saintly Ayn Rand. Wikipedia states of Ayn Rand, she "emphasized individual rights (including property rights) and laissez-faire capitalism, enforced by a constitutionally limited government." That's another way of saying roll back government, unchain the big corporations and allow them to mash the lilliputians to their heart's content. Such thoughts bring a smile to the face of Conspiracy Theory Central. The only problem with our girl Rand is that she was a Russian but we quibble.

Back to Rand Paul. The man has cojones to go with the brains. Our poor friends at British Petroleum (BP) have been taking a pounding over their little mishap with the oil rig explosion leading to an oil volcano in the Gulf of Mexico. The world is an inherently messy place and ecologic disasters are bound to happen in the pursuit of money. All good capitalists accept this and move on. But those mad dogs in the media are crucifying the good people at BP just because many millions of gallons of crude oil have been released into the Gulf killing fish and fouling beaches. It will be all good in a decade or so. What's the problem? Anyway the Republicans in Congress checked their phalluses at the Capitol door by refusing to come to the BP's defense. Not Paul the younger who said bashing BP was "un-American". You got that, bashing foreign corporations who create ecologic disasters in our country is un-American! Just brilliant. The upshot is that corporations are in fact a form of property that are sacrosanct under the theology of Rand Paul. And the worship of corporations is a founding tenant of America, therefore, all corporations must be worshiped, not just American ones. Bravo candidate Paul!

But one small problem bothers us about Rand, his silly hair helmet. Memo to Rand, loose the toupee. All the best Americans like Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh proudly bare their scalps. Get with the program Rand. Hair helmets are so last century.

Update: Rand Paul and Sarah Palin (we like the sound of that) are friending each other through the media. This could quickly escalate to writing on each other's facebook wall. Stay tuned. Link. 5-23-2010.

Political Satire.

Don't Trust A Man With Hair, Especially If He is a Politician

Sometimes Conspiracy Theory Central is prescient. On October 24, 2009, our post said, We Need Fleshy White Dudes Running Our Country . And who ends up winning the special election in Massachusetts to replace Ted Kennedy? A thin guy with hair. Even worse, he's tan. Some of our colleagues down in the bunker were all joyful that a Republican won but the issue of Limbaughness transcends party lines. Fleshy, hairless, white males are God's chosen people to rule the universe. Rush stands as the paradigm of 21st century genetic superiority.

On this day when two great Americans sit in the hospital, Dick Cheney and Bob Dole, we find out what kind of man our follicly gifted junior senator from Massachusetts really is. This jack ass voted yesterday with the Democrats to lift the filibuster of their jobs bill. A few months in office and he's already stabbed us in the back then twisted the knife. Memo to senator weasel: WE IN THE MINORITY WANT THE COUNTRY TO SUFFER AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE SO THEY WILL VOTE THE DEMOCRATS OUT OF POWER IN NOVEMBER. What a schmuck. The rookie doesn't even know politics 101. You fuck up the country to the best of your ability then obstruct all measures the majority throws up attempting to cure the problem; then campaign in the next election on the horrible performance of the majority while in office professing your superior ability to fix the mess (which, of course, we were largely responsible for creating). What doesn't senator hair gel get about our master plan? We shall renew our lease on the bunker for another year.

Update: Senator Jim Bunning has gotten the memo. Obstructs extension of unemployment and COBRA benefits due to expire for many unemployed workers then responds "tough shit" when told he's hurting people. Link.

Corporations are people, hallelujah!

Conspiracy Theory Central is just pleased as punch that the United States Supreme Court has finally emancipated corporations from tyranny by declaring them to be persons entitled to the full protection of the Constitution. Can we have an amen church? Suffrage for women came to the United States in 1920. Blacks received the Civil Rights Act of 1964. But the poor downtrodden corporations of America received no justice. Congress pummeled them with the Sherman (1890) and Clayton (1914) antitrust acts. From there, things just got worse for the rights of corporations in our country. All these years later, the four horsemen (Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts) aided by their sometime companion Justice Kennedy struck a blow against oppression in the name of freedom. As Ollie North once said, money are the bullets of political war. Now the shackles have been removed from corporations allowing them unfettered political free speech rights. The natural laws of the universe demand this result.

But Conspiracy Theory Central has been thrown into a quandary by this decision of the Supreme Court. Now that corporations are persons, must we invite our many corporate friends to all the anti-Obama parties we throw down here in the bunker? If Microsoft is on the party list, do we leave off Google? Can we seat AT&T across from Verizon at the dinner table? The protocol for this new world where corporations are people will take some time for us to work through but those hunkered down in the bunker are committed to do our part. We've already spoken to Dick Cheney about it and he promises to take duck hunting any corporation with cojones large enough to stand next to him in the blind, gun locked and loaded.

p.s. What do we do with all the Tiger Woods golf apparel in our closet?