Who's going nuclear on the antichrist?

Is there anyone left in the Democratic Party with cajones other than Hillary Clinton? Brother Beck rightly calls her the antichrist. Look, here's the deal. Unless a democratic presidential contender other than one highly resembling a munchkin (that's you Kucinich) takes the antichrist by the horns, she will be the democratic nominee for president. Link. Somebody has to man up and do it quickly because there ain't a snowball's chance in hell Tutti Frutti Rudy or Viagra Fred can slay the two-headed Clinton monster on its march to the White House. Conspiracy Theory Central sees only two men who, jointly, can defeat the beast. The only hope for us all is an Obama / Edwards good cop / bad cop coordinated assault. Edwards can't win. Can't raise enough treasure. Already endlessly milked the fact that his wife has cancer. He's a friggin lawyer for christ's sake. Surely he knows how to slime an opponent. Quickly sir knight. Grab your sword and smote the dragon. Iowa is nay upon us. Hussein Obama, the manchurian candidate, must stay above the fray effecting a King Aurthur to your Lancelot. There's lots of dirt to dredge--failed healthcare plans, votes for the war, votes for the patriot act, vote authorizing action against Iran, money raised from dirty sources, the lesbian rumblings ... hey, this is thermal nuclear war. Slim away sir knight knowing that you serve a higher power--the Republican Party. We are powerless against Clinton & Clinton but Hussein Osama is vulnerable prey. Somebody over there in the Democratic Party grow some balls and take care of this problem for us!

But one dragon slayer does exist on the right. A former Austrian corporal like Hitler. An actor and governor of California like Reagan. Yes, someone with the stomach for the job. But, as he's not a natural born United States citizen, the Constitution cock blocks us. Dick Cheney has done yeoman work tearing that quaint anachronism to shreds yet still it haunts our ambitions. If the antichrist wins in 2008, Supreme Leader Cheney is just going to have to again send Bush to an Air Force base in Nebraska while suspending the Constitution until the War on Terror (aka Crusade IV) ends or hell freezes over (whichever comes first).
(Satire)

Dumbledore, Queer Eye For Kids

Dumbledore! There's one in every wood pile. Conspiracy Theory Central is just now recovering from the Teletubbies. Notice the connection? Both British children's entertainment. Look what happened to Star Trek. You start with Captain James T. Kirk, a man's man of action and the knowing wink at the pretty young ensign. You know Kirk jumped Uhura somewhere in those long travels across the universe. In the remake, "Star Trek: The Next Generation", Kirk morphs into a namby pamby Brit with a French name: Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Too professional, a consensus seeker. How come he never jumped on Counselor Deanna Troi? Did you see the rack popping out of her skin tight star fleet uni? Of course, a man can't miss it. But Picard's oblivious. Dumbledore! Conspiracy Theory Central has often wondered about Tony Blair. Those long stays down at the ranch in Crawford. The pretty soft tone of his voice. The culture of his language. He sounds like Jean-Luc Picard. Dumbledore!

When Conspiracy Theory Central turned 16, our father gave us a bottle of Old Spice. We splashed it on and remarked, "Dad, it smells like horse piss." Father instructed us that this is what a man should smell like. Beware of the female bringing her man perfume disguised with that French name, cologne. Next thing she takes you for a manicure and pedicure. Obvious Dubmledore! Dad neglected to warn us about the Brits. We remember him looking askance at Benny Hill, the cross-dressing comic, but he didn't clue us in to the wider Brit queer eye conspiracy. Now we know. They're all Dumbledore!
(Satire)

Glenn Beck, Comedic Genius

Conspiracy Theory Central is a Glenn Beck fan. We've rejoiced in his pummeling of the usual suspects: Hillary Clinton (the "Antichrist" and "stereotypical bitch"), Al Gore (a Nazi propagandist), and former President Jimmy Carter (a "waste of skin"). Media Matters link 1 and Media Matters link 2. Good stuff. But what sets Glenn apart from the average champion of truth reverberating within the echo chamber of the MSM is his fearlessness delivering shots against the suffering or oppressed.

• Illegal immigrants are either "terrorists," outlaws, or people who "can't make a living in their own dirtbag country", Link.
• Cindy Sheehan: "That's a pretty big prostitute", Link.
• Renamed nukes "climate-control devices," suggested bombing Venezuela, Link.
• Referred to survivors of Hurricane Katrina who remained in New Orleans as "scumbags", Link.
• Ann Coulter was "right" about the "9-11 wives." Further, "I like Ann Coulter," and said he did not "have a problem" with her characterization of some 9-11 widows as "the witches of East Brunswick." Link.

Few media personalities possess the cohones to take on the sacred cows. Ann Coulter is another such patriot but Conspiracy Theory Central has not been able to confirm whether Ann has testes. See Ann Coulter is a Conspiracy Theorist's Wet Dream.

Back to Glenn Beck. He recently commented on the godless atheists of the Republic of California where Dante's inferno rages: "[A] handful of people who hate America ... are losing their homes in a forest fire today". Link. Conspiracy Theory Central gave a Tiger Woods fist pump upon hearing the words from Glenn. But the Beckster now says he was only joking. Link. Say what??? So were you joking about Cindy Sheehan and the 9-11 widows and bombing Venezuela and the Katrina refugees ... and all the other good stuff we tune into your show for? Conspiracy Theory Central was shaken.

Then the genius of it hit us: Glenn Beck is a new kind of satirist. Since the dawn of comedy, satire has been about poking fun at power. In medieval times, only the court jester possessed authorization to mock the king. So the tradition was set. The genius of Mr. Beck has been to take this tradition and turn it on its head, he attacks the powerless. Glenn Beck mocks people as their homes and worldly possessions go up in flames, a mother whose only son died in Iraq, poor immigrants lacking legal status. He cheers Ann Coulter as she savages the 9-11 widows who dare to speak out in Congress. Some have said Conspiracy Theory Central is not the sharpest tool in the shed. Forgive us Mr. Beck for having missed the genius of your comedy. We're certain you have launched a new genre.
(Satire).

Huckabee--The Looming Hippie Drug Abuse Medicare Crisis

First, a few thoughts on the candidacy of Gov. Michael Huckabee for president of the United States.

The Good: Likes to throw around the word "Islamofascism" in speeches. This is one of Conspiracy Theory Central's favorite words. Derived from the term "whopofascist" popularly applied to Italian dictator Gen. Benito Mussolini in the 1930s. The first whopofascist was Julius Caesar. Back to Huckabee. Lost 110 pounds while governor of Arkansas. Baptist minister who plays guitar in a rock and roll band. Chuck Norris just endorsed him.

The Bad: Can we have a president named Huckabee? Sounds too much like hillbilly. And he's from Arkansas, the land of Clinton. Even freakier, Huckabee was born in Hope, Arkansas, the birthplace of Bill Clinton. Conspiracy Theory Central has crunched the numbers and determined it's a near mathematical certainty that two people born in Hope, Arkansas within a decade of each other are related.

Recent Mike Huckabee quote: "And we've got a situation with 10,000 baby boomers a day signing up for Social Security, going into the Medicare system. And I just want to remind everybody when all the old hippies find out that they get free drugs, just wait until what that's going to cost out there." Link. Huckabee is spot on this issue. If someone as brain dead as Rush Limbaugh can figure out how to abuse prescription medications, whatya wanna bet the hordes of aged hippies rolling into the medicare system are going to figure out how to milk the system for a taxpayer supplied eternal buzz? This is an issue that frosts Conspiracy Theory Central's cock! Why can't the godforsaken old hippies just sit in their nursing homes and suffer like normal patriotic Americans? We can breath just a tad easier knowing Mike Huckabee is sounding the clarion call against the onset of the looming hippie drug abuse medicare tsunami.
(Satire)