Herman Cain for Antichrist 2013

Conspiracy Theory Central hoped Rand Paul would run for president in 2012 but we suppose he could not do so without stepping on the old man's toes. That would be like Apollo running against Zeus for god of the universe. And Sarah Palin, our shinning angel, also decided not to run in 2012 ... although she regularly appears on television pretending to run. Sarah has babies to feed back home in Alaska and being a fake candidate pays well so one cannot really blame her for taking the gig.

Which brings us to Herman Cain. Whereas Sarah Palin is a real politician only pretending to run for president, Herman is a fake politician actually running for president. Herman is the ying to Sarah's yang. What a beautiful presidential ticket it would be (Herman on top, as God decreed). Sarah likes to flirt with the camera. Herman likes flirty women. You can see the synergies, no? Conspiracy Theory Central was initially confused by the Cain campaign but, with the fourth woman stepping forward to allege sexual harassment, we now see the political genius that is Herman Cain. Obama used the slogan, "audacity of hope". Herman should use, "audacity of audacity". Here is a guy with zero experience as an elected official nor does it appear from his biography that he has held a full-time job since 1999. Herman says, fuck it, I'm running for President of the United States! That's pure balls. And the way he handles the media is genius in motion. When asked about the sexual harassment allegations, Mr. Cain first denied knowledge of any such claims. When later pressed with evidence of the existence of the harassment claims, Herman replied simply, "Let Herman be Herman." Brilliant!

But Conspiracy Theory Central believes we are on to something even bigger. Why does a man with no political credentials and multiple sexual harassment allegations in his past decide to run for President of the United States (well, besides the fact that the billionaire Hunt brothers asked him too)? We were stumped by this one at first until reflecting on Herman's 999 tax plan that he apparently borrowed from the SimCity video game. If you turn 999 upside down it reads 666! Then out of darkness came light. Herman is using his quixotic 2012 presidential campaign as a vast Trojan horse for his stealth campaign for the Antichrist election in 2013! Shear genius Herman. Here are a couple of thoughts on that score. Make sure you attend the August straw pole at the annual Wican convention and the summer solstice gathering at Carhenge in Nebraska is a must. Best of luck to Herman in 2013.

Note: We hot linked to a picture of Herman Cain (see upper right corner of article) but the folks at Cain Central did us a huge favor and changed our intended photo of Mr. Cain with the universal image of the Anti-Christ. How apropos! Thanks Herman.

Satire.

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Conspiracy Theory Central Is in Heat For Rand Paul

Is this dude friggin brilliant or what? Although his name is Randall he calls himself Rand to evoke the saintly Ayn Rand. Wikipedia states of Ayn Rand, she "emphasized individual rights (including property rights) and laissez-faire capitalism, enforced by a constitutionally limited government." That's another way of saying roll back government, unchain the big corporations and allow them to mash the lilliputians to their heart's content. Such thoughts bring a smile to the face of Conspiracy Theory Central. The only problem with our girl Rand is that she was a Russian but we quibble.

Back to Rand Paul. The man has cojones to go with the brains. Our poor friends at British Petroleum (BP) have been taking a pounding over their little mishap with the oil rig explosion leading to an oil volcano in the Gulf of Mexico. The world is an inherently messy place and ecologic disasters are bound to happen in the pursuit of money. All good capitalists accept this and move on. But those mad dogs in the media are crucifying the good people at BP just because many millions of gallons of crude oil have been released into the Gulf killing fish and fouling beaches. It will be all good in a decade or so. What's the problem? Anyway the Republicans in Congress checked their phalluses at the Capitol door by refusing to come to the BP's defense. Not Paul the younger who said bashing BP was "un-American". You got that, bashing foreign corporations who create ecologic disasters in our country is un-American! Just brilliant. The upshot is that corporations are in fact a form of property that are sacrosanct under the theology of Rand Paul. And the worship of corporations is a founding tenant of America, therefore, all corporations must be worshiped, not just American ones. Bravo candidate Paul!

But one small problem bothers us about Rand, his silly hair helmet. Memo to Rand, loose the toupee. All the best Americans like Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh proudly bare their scalps. Get with the program Rand. Hair helmets are so last century.

Update: Rand Paul and Sarah Palin (we like the sound of that) are friending each other through the media. This could quickly escalate to writing on each other's facebook wall. Stay tuned. Link. 5-23-2010.

Political Satire.

Don't Trust A Man With Hair, Especially If He is a Politician

Sometimes Conspiracy Theory Central is prescient. On October 24, 2009, our post said, We Need Fleshy White Dudes Running Our Country . And who ends up winning the special election in Massachusetts to replace Ted Kennedy? A thin guy with hair. Even worse, he's tan. Some of our colleagues down in the bunker were all joyful that a Republican won but the issue of Limbaughness transcends party lines. Fleshy, hairless, white males are God's chosen people to rule the universe. Rush stands as the paradigm of 21st century genetic superiority.

On this day when two great Americans sit in the hospital, Dick Cheney and Bob Dole, we find out what kind of man our follicly gifted junior senator from Massachusetts really is. This jack ass voted yesterday with the Democrats to lift the filibuster of their jobs bill. A few months in office and he's already stabbed us in the back then twisted the knife. Memo to senator weasel: WE IN THE MINORITY WANT THE COUNTRY TO SUFFER AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE SO THEY WILL VOTE THE DEMOCRATS OUT OF POWER IN NOVEMBER. What a schmuck. The rookie doesn't even know politics 101. You fuck up the country to the best of your ability then obstruct all measures the majority throws up attempting to cure the problem; then campaign in the next election on the horrible performance of the majority while in office professing your superior ability to fix the mess (which, of course, we were largely responsible for creating). What doesn't senator hair gel get about our master plan? We shall renew our lease on the bunker for another year.

Update: Senator Jim Bunning has gotten the memo. Obstructs extension of unemployment and COBRA benefits due to expire for many unemployed workers then responds "tough shit" when told he's hurting people. Link.

Corporations are people, hallelujah!

Conspiracy Theory Central is just pleased as punch that the United States Supreme Court has finally emancipated corporations from tyranny by declaring them to be persons entitled to the full protection of the Constitution. Can we have an amen church? Suffrage for women came to the United States in 1920. Blacks received the Civil Rights Act of 1964. But the poor downtrodden corporations of America received no justice. Congress pummeled them with the Sherman (1890) and Clayton (1914) antitrust acts. From there, things just got worse for the rights of corporations in our country. All these years later, the four horsemen (Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts) aided by their sometime companion Justice Kennedy struck a blow against oppression in the name of freedom. As Ollie North once said, money are the bullets of political war. Now the shackles have been removed from corporations allowing them unfettered political free speech rights. The natural laws of the universe demand this result.

But Conspiracy Theory Central has been thrown into a quandary by this decision of the Supreme Court. Now that corporations are persons, must we invite our many corporate friends to all the anti-Obama parties we throw down here in the bunker? If Microsoft is on the party list, do we leave off Google? Can we seat AT&T across from Verizon at the dinner table? The protocol for this new world where corporations are people will take some time for us to work through but those hunkered down in the bunker are committed to do our part. We've already spoken to Dick Cheney about it and he promises to take duck hunting any corporation with cojones large enough to stand next to him in the blind, gun locked and loaded.

p.s. What do we do with all the Tiger Woods golf apparel in our closet?

Fear The Anus Bomber

Ann Coulter is quickly asserting herself as the premier counter-terrorism expert in the world. In a recent interview with Bill O'Reilly, Ann adroitly diagnosed the weakness of the new United States airport body scanner program in light of the recent Christmas diaper bomber.

Bill: "If you have a body scan and you have a bomb in your underwear, they can see the bomb through the body scan."
Ann: "No one credible has asserted that. No they'll be able to see a container. It was spread throughout the diaper. Unless the bomb is inserted under the foreskin, and by the way, I don’t see a clear angle on the anus. That’s a pretty easy hiding place for this."

Do you see Ann's genius at work? We need to see inside the anus. Body scanners are useless because the terrorists can always shove the bomb up their anuses! The only solution is to search the anal cavity of every passenger boarding every plane in the world. Conspiracy Theory Central wakes up every morning and thanks the Lord we have Ann Coulter. We need her up on that wall.

Sarah Palin 2.0

It pains us to write this post. Please forgive us Sarah, our dearest, but a new conservative angel has descended upon the Republican party. Surely God sent her to us. We speak of Carrie Prejean--younger, hotter, smarter, polished, born again and up to the challenge of those snarky New York morning talk show hosts. Check out her performance on the Today Show with Meredith Vieira. Before that old hag Meredith could launch her planned attack, Carrie preempts her with the victim card, brilliant! Carrie has been "Palinized" for her conservative views. It's not about the sex tapes, it's about liberal wingnut Obermann attacking a conservative Christian woman. Here is another money quote, "It was me by myself. There was no one else with me. I was not having sex." Link. Clintonesque. We love it. She was masturbating in the tape by herself. Ergo, it's not "sex". How does a Matt Lauer cross-examine a statement like that? He can't. Anybody know where we can buy a copy of this non-sex tape?

Back to Sarah. When the McCain campaign brought the Wassila hillbillies to the lower 48, it took months of scrubbing to get them ready for prime time. New clothing, a speech coach, a debate coach, baby daddy's mom alleged possession of OxyContin with intent to distribute, et certera. Carrie Prejean already has the fake boobs and wardrobe necessary for the job. Better still, she shines on camera while tenaciously sticking to the script supplied by her handlers. This girl possesses an unbelievable capacity for saying one thing (Christian morality) while having done another (racy photo shoots and masturbation tape) all with zero hint of embarrassment. You can't teach mendacity. Somebody find a conservative House district for this girl to run in. We are beyond tired of seeing Michele Bachmann on Fox. Bring us Representative Carrie Prejean! Our country needs you Carrie.

(Political Satire.)

Updates:

• Our girl stiff arms Larry King, walks off set. Brilliant! 11-12-09.
• Carrie Prejean: seven more sex tapes reportedly unearthed. If one masturbation tape was good, eight are better. You go girl! Just tell us where we send the check to get a box set of these tapes. 11-14-09.

We Need Fleshy White Dudes Running Our Country

Fleshy white dudes (especially bald ones) made this country. George Washington, check. Ben Franklin, double wide check. President Howard Taft, hello! At this moment our country has a skinny black president with hair on his head. This is an abomination to western civilization. Our media is chock full of corpulent, pale males (see Limbaugh, Beck, and Dobbs) but the political leadership in this nation is devoid of Limbaughness. We could go on and on lamenting this sorry state of affairs but the question remains what to do about it?

It is the desire of every true American to see our beloved Deputy Leader Cheney elected president of the USA; however, his heart is short of ticks. Leader Cheney sacrificed his own personal vitality for the nation during 8 long years of service next to W Bush. It's just too much of us to ask from this man who has given so much. No friends, we must let Leader Cheney frolic in the fields to his own contentment, shotgun at the ready, menace to birds and old friends alike. We must cast our eyes about for new leadership. On first glance, Reverend Governor Huckabee has that which we seek. White male, check. He's friends with Chuck Norris and Ted Nugent, big check. But he lost 105 pounds. It's almost like Huckabee is not proud to be a fat white male. That's like denying your inner self. And we suspect he does a Biden combover. Any self-respecting conservative bares the scalp with pride! Who needs hair when you've got money? The reverend governor and Donald Trump do not get it.

We love Sara Palin but, despite all the moose and wolves killed, we're 92.25% confident she ain't got testicles between her legs. Mitt Romney lacks the bulk and baldness we require. Besides, Romney's father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico where his family fled to practice polygamy. Link. We're not 100% certain Mitt ain't part Mexican. No, the Mitt don't fit.

Where is our savior? This morning, while doing opposition research reading a leftist blog, I stumbled across the answer: Roger Ailes. Fleshy, big check. Bald, check. Pale like an albino. Before founding Fox News, Roger was a political consultant to Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and George H.W. Bush. Ailes produced the famous Willie Horton campaign ads that torpedoed Michael Dukakis in the 1988 election. America desperately needs this sort of political savvy leading our great nation. Kudos to whoever first urged Roger to run for president. Some may say running Fox News is not a job giving one the proper political experience to be a candidate. In response, we direct your attention to the words of the Obama Administration. Has not Hussein Obama (or his underlings) called Fox News an organ of the Republican party? If true, has not Roger been working in the political field all these many years? It's the best training we can think of to run the country. Roger Ailes in 2012!

Persecuted White Males--Me and Glenn In The Bunker

Fox sent Glenn Beck on a forced vacation this week so I graciously offered him use of the spare bedroom in my Anti-Obama bunker. The whole thing is a complete farce. How can a man be punished for saying that Obama is racist against white people? Oh, yet another injustice against the persecuted white male. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is called "the White House" for a reason, white people are supposed to run the place. But look what has happened to America. Not only has this son of Africa taken possession of the White House but now he is trying to ram socialized medicine up our white asses. That's what they have in Russia and France. It's communism by another name. He's declared war against our friends in the insurance and drug industries, true patriotic Americans they be. I'll dare he!!! Greed is good. Greed built America. How can Obama be against greed? Glenn calls the racist out and look what happens, he is the one suspended. Pity the persecuted white male.

My friend Glenn does not deal well with pain. Some say Glenn went psychotic post-op from his hemorrhoid surgery last year begging for mass amounts of narcotics. I personally think that judgment is a bit harsh.

Glenn old friend, rest easy. Rush paid a recent visit to the bunker and left behind an enormous stash of drugs. We can make the pain go away. I'm on the phone right now setting up a dinner date in the bunker with Michelle and Ann. We'll show them the Eric Dane / Rebecca Gayheart / Kari Ann Peniche video and hope they get the hint. I'm staying down here for the duration of the Obama dictatorship. All true believers are welcome (but bring your own prescription drugs). We're underneath the Greenbrier Hotel, just knock on the steel door.

(Satire.)

Top Ten Things A Patriot Needs To Do To Survive In Obamastan

United States Obamastan! We've felt it at the Conspiracy Theory Central HQ since inauguration day but suspicion has given way to confirmed fact. Statement by U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano on the Threat of Right-Wing Extremism. Using the degrading smear, "right-wing extremist's", Obama's internal security forces have declared a jihad on lovers of guns, Jesus Christ, Ted Nugent, and those who hate taxes. Obama's fangs are out. He plans to tax every last drop of blood from our veins. Herod merely killed the first born son. Obama is intent upon economic death to all rich, white, godfearing citizens.

Overreaction to the state of affairs in Obamastan is impossible. All extreme measures are authorized. Here are our top ten things a right wing extremist patriot needs to do to survive in Obamastan.

1. Buy a dozen more assault riffles. (just kidding)
2. Secret ourself in "undisclosed location" preferably in a bunker next door to Dick Cheney's.
3. Prepare for the Apocalypse.
4. Ask Sara Palin how we get on the ark when she and Todd declare independence from Obamastan and are popularly proclaimed queen and first dude for life.
5. Ask for chastity tutoring from Bristol Palin
6. Invite Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin for illicit three-way in bunker (yes, right wing extremists have better sex!)
7. Tell guards under no circumstances are they to let Ted Haggard into the bunker (but ask him where to go for the best deal on drugs)
8. Stock up on mass quantities of oxycontin just in case Rush stops by
9. Write to Alberto Gonzalez telling him how much we loved his work at the Justice Department (but don't invite him to the bunker)
10. Authorize David Letterman to use the list

Our only regret is that having already placed ourselves within the "undisclosed location", we were unable to attend today's tea bagging parties. We have no idea how tea bagging shall lower taxes but would have loved to network with all the rich, white true believers in Obama's evilness who attended.

(Satire).

Party of Yahweh Annoints Rush The New Moses

Thank the Almighty that his party has finally come to its senses and realized that Rush is our Moses! Sarah "Joan of Arc" Palin has diapers to change and mooses to hunt. Piyush Jindal appears to be a playdo man formed out of a few of Rush's discarded turds. Ron Paul must be an atheist because he is against war. We all know war is a tool of the Almighty to bring forth justice in the world.

Oh ye infidels, hear the greatness as it foments from the golden mouth of the mighty Rush. He shall lead us to the promised land. We want Barack Obama to fail because the people might delusionally like him if his programs bear short-term prosperity, prosperity the terrorists are sure to hate and destroy because the party of God is out of power and not there to protect the nation. Remember, the United States and the party of God are one in the same. What is good for the Republican Party is good for America. Therefore, the failure of Obama's economic plan may sting but it is in the best interest of us all. Those supporting the party of Satan (aka the Obama-Clinton Party) are subhumans. We care not if they suffer.

Which brings us to the most pressing problem, succession of our new national leader. Rush's member has not borne fruit. This is a serious national security issue and we at Conspiracy Theory Central know the woman for the job--Ann "the angel of righteousness" Coulter. She must mate with his omnipotence to bring forth the chosen one who shall destroy our enemies once and for all. Ann, save your nation and jump on that red faced, fat man's cock!

(Satire).

Voting Has A Known Liberal Bias

Conspiracy Theory Central has been on continuous sedatives after the beatdown John McCain received from Barack Hussein Obama. Oh, and the Republican infighting after the loss has only worsened our depression. Joe The Plumber takes shots at McCain ... and McCain made this guy! Everybody takes shots at our shinning angel, Sarah Palin (be still my beating heart), over some cloths. OK, lots of cloths. But her whole wardrobe was Alaska, Walmart sheek and the campaign needed to spruce her up for the national stage. We are completely fine with $150k spent on this cause. For comparisons sake, somebody go check out what it costs to wardrobe the Jolie-Pitts for a few months.

But the affronts against Sarah Palin are not what have Conspiracy Theory Central in a lather today. No sir. It's Al Franken and his nearly completed theft of a United States senate seat in Minnesota. This lunatic is up there trying to get all the votes counted. Everyone knows voting has a liberal bias. That's why Lee Atwater invented, and Karl Rove perfected, voter suppression tactics. America created inner city ghettos for the undesirables and we never go there but I'm told on good authority that the voting lines at inner city polling stations around the country stretched for miles and lasted many hours. That's no accident. They are supposed to go home without voting.

Conspiracy Theory Central has lost our train of thought. We started off on Al Franken and ended up on the subject of undesirables voting. On second thought, I am sure those two subjects are related. In any event, the Minnesotans voted up there, the votes were counted, and Norm Coleman won. Where in the Constitution is there found the right to a recount? Recounts are an invention of the Democrats. Thank God the Supreme Court stopped the Florida recount in 2000. We'd all be enslaved in Mosques by now if Al Gore had won in 2000. And where is the Supreme Court on this Al Franken theft? Isn't it their job to stop local election officials from counting votes? Calling Antoni Scalia, the mafia don of the Supreme Court. Do your job sir before this wingnut Franken barges his way into the US Senate!

Conspiracy Theory Central has one confession to make. Please forgive us but we love Stuart Smaley.

Free Sarah Palin!

Like many of you, Conspiracy Theory Central was horrified watching Katie Couric's interview of Sarah Palin. My god, that bull dike Katie actually had the temerity to ask Gov. Palin about her foreign policy credentials. What in the world does that have to do with Sarah Palin's fitness to stand next to McCain looking good and wooing evangelical voters??? It's irrelevant to her job!!!

Anyway, my freak out moment passed after receiving reassuring words from Karl Rove on the eve of the Palin - Biden debate. King Karl opined that Sarah's handlers messed her up by "over-prepped her, stuffed too much information in her mind and made her a little uncomfortable." Link. Being force-fed information about foreign affairs, the national budget, health care policy, military expenditures, and all that boring government wonk stuff could freeze anyone's brain. Clearly Karl is right and Sarah's handlers messed her up big time. Her background is as a sports reporter. She best standing at the podium reading from the teleprompter. Why in God's name would the McCain people let her do anything else? Stop the debate! It's rigged against her. The thing airs on the liberal media, need I say more? They'll be asking Sarah substantive questions again without her possessing a script to read from. Completely unfair. And stop putting information into Gov. Sarah's mind. It just messes her up. Please free Sarah Palin to go kiss babies and smile for the camera. That's her strength, use it!

McCain--I Don't Care If She Has NO Brain, Palin Looks Good on TV

John McCain has finally seen the light to the great relief of Conspiracy Theory Central. Ronald Reagan had to be helped to the bathroom but could the old boy ever stand there looking presidential reading from a teleprompter! The Gipper's brain was so badly riddled with Alzheimer he could barely remember his own name yet he goes down in our book as the greatest US president since George Washington (Napoleon is our all time fav world leader). By the Reagan yardstick, Sarah Palin is ready to lead! She's so perfect for our agenda Conspiracy Theory Central wets his pants just contemplating the beauty of Mrs. Palin on the presidential ticket. The only thing more glorious would be having Sarah Palin on top of the ticket (Conspiracy Theory Central prefers women on top).

And our girl Sarah possesses more than just outer beauty. She sees the world in black and white, good versus evil. Even better, her entire life is led by faith, no thinking allowed. For instance, her faith tells her Jesus will return to earth in her life time triggering the rapture. See Salon article. She's a creationist through and through meaning Sarah know through faith that the earth was created 7000 years ago despite all the bogus scientific evidence that the earth has existed millions and millions of years. It's all hogwash just like the global warming myth. Al Gore invented global warming while experiencing a bad acid flashback. And Sarah knows we shall drill our way out of this energy crisis. Finally, Matt Damon can kiss Conspiracy Theory Central's ass. God love you Sarah Palin and please put in a good word for us when Jesus shows up next month, or whenever he gets here.

Bush Presidency Fault of The Liberal Media

Conspiracy Theory Central's head is still spinning after hearing of the Scott McClellan memoir. McClellan essentially says the White House press office, of which he was a major player, has been a propaganda machine during the Bush years. That a culture of deception exists there. Scotty, I'm just shocked you would say such an outrageous thing.

Having not slept, ate, drank, or shaved for 24 hours (we do admit to having used the toilette) in utter despair over the hammer blow from our boy Scotty, we have found light at the end of this dark tunnel. In between all the Bush bashing, McClellan says "the 'liberal media' didn't live up to its reputation", the liberal media failed to do its job. Listen up all you leftist pansies out there. Our boy Scotty has a message for you: THE LIBERAL MEDIA CREATED GEORGE BUSH! That's right. It's not our fault the Bush II presidency has careened out of control. It happened because the liberal media failed to challenge the man. It's like driving a sports car drunk without a seat belt. Everyone knows crashes are going to happen. If the driver gets injured, it's the seat belt's fault for not protecting him. Never mind that he failed to snap the seat belt into place before driving off. If the seat belt were properly designed, it would snap itself into place. The sole reason for the existence of the liberal media is to act as a moderating force to save a brilliant leader from himself.

The more I contemplate the words of Scott McClellan, the more his central message clears before my eyes--the liberal media is the root of all evil in the universe. It's like Newton's third law of politics. Thank you Scott for speaking out and reinforcing what we already knew. Next time, please put your central point in the title of the book.
(Satire)

The Huckster Is Back!

And I was wondering where the heck the Huck had disappeared to. Apparently fishing. Well everyone's favorite formerly fat governor is back in all his glory. Huck first makes a "joke" about Obama ducking from an assassin. This is exactly equivalent to our dear redneck forefathers of the 50s and 60s joking to black men in the south to look out for that noose. It's no joke, it's reality. So Tim Russert tries to call out Huck on his humor but the Huck is too sly. He slips the Russert punch by analogizing his humor to that of Sen. McCain's "bomb, bomb, bomb Iran" song which, you might guess, Huck loved. Link. Has there been a politician on the national stage less PC than Mike Huckabee in the last 30 years? Not even close.

Attention Sen. McCain. You need Minister Governor Huckabee on the ticket! Huck will completely confuse and confound the national press diverting their vitriolic verbal arrows away from your person. He's the blocking back hitting the hole ahead of the ball carrier to open up running room. For the love of God and country, please, oh please, let it be McCain-Huckabee in 2008!
(Satire)

McCain Excludes Michelle From Blogger Conference

A member of our trinity of truth, Michelle Malkin, has been excluded from a McCain blogger conference call. And he's allowing selected liberal bloggers to participate in the conference but excluded Michelle!?!? I knew in my gut this man McCain was a fake Republican. He only plays along hugging and fawning over our dear Supreme Leader W Bush. Now we have the evidence of his mendacity. Is McCain prejudice against conservatives or just the cross-eyed?

P.S. For the uninitiated, the members of our trinity of truth, justice and the American way are Michele, Ann, and Rush. They are not placed in any order for divine beings, by definition, are co-equal.

Bush is Caesar, the photographic evidence

The names of the dictators change but the faces don't. Recognize these two guys? The one on the left is a tad older than the dude on the right (by about 2000 years give or take) but I'm sure you see the family resemblance.
Hail Caesar  /  Hail Bush
Check out the similarity in the ears, uncanny. How about the nose, forehead, hair line, chin? Think I'm goshing you about about the guy on the left? Check it out for yourself--recently discovered bust of Julius Caesar.

Adm. John 'Boomer' Stufflebeem--Papa Bush's Boy

Vice Adm. John Stufflebeem in bygone days was a punter for the Naval Academy football team earning him the nickname "boomer". Apparently the Admiral possessed another supreme skill: lying. "As a commander, Stufflebeem was a military aide to President George H.W. Bush, and after rising to flag rank, was the public face of the Afghanistan war as he briefed reporters from the podium at the Pentagon while serving as deputy director of global operations on the Joint Staff." Link. "Stufflebeem, then a 37-year-old commander, pretended to be a widower, telling the woman that his wife had died of breast cancer and that he was raising his two children on his own, according to the Inspector General’s report, obtained by Navy Times through the Freedom of Information Act. In fact, Stufflebeem was still living with his wife at the time. The report says Stufflebeem had sex with the State Department staffer in sleeping quarters in the White House basement and when the two traveled abroad with the White House travel team." Link.

When the affair came to the attention of Stufflebeem's superiors at the White House, he was relieved of his duties and reassigned back to the Navy. What was President H. W. Bush's response when apprised of the allegations against Stufflebeem? He wrote to the admiral saying, "You are missed already [at the White House]. * * * "You have a fine career ahead, and quite obviously, I want to help that career along for you have served here with distinction." Bush wrote a second letter to his Navy superiors saying Stufflebeem should be promoted as soon as possible. Link. Papa Bush was known to have had his own mistress at the time so he couldn't very well come down hard on his military aide for dipping the wick. Underneath all the medals and fancy suites, sailors are sailors. Papa Bush is an old sailor himself. Here is the complete inspector general's report on Stufflebeem for the prurient.

Why fire this admiral now?
But here's the strange part that caught Conspiracy Theory Central's attention. Lying , cheating admirals don't really rate the bat of eye (although Boomer's tall tale about the wife dead of cancer ranks as a supreme whopper). This affair happened 18 years ago. It was recently dredged up when an "anonymous letter" was sent to the Navy. The letter didn't come from the former mistress. So what's the motive for torpedoing the admiral after all these years? Admiral Stufflebeem is publicly known to be a critic of the Navy's plans to bomb Iran. Link. Another high ranking critic of Bush's plan to bomb Iran was Admiral Fallon who has also been forced into early retirement. Link. Pretty cool how the people who really run Washington kept promoting Stufflebeem while stashing this nice bit of blackmail material. Then when the Admiral went off script refusing to go along with the Iran program, they cut his legs off. Surely the other admirals who might also disagree with the Iran objective have gotten the message: toe the line or get disemboweled.

Lord knows it's imperative the United States bomb Iran back into the stone age. We're running out of things to bomb in Iraq. The next country over is Iran. What's the use of having all these nice new shinny bombers over there in the Middle East if we don't use them? I mean the boys need targets. Let's get on the hump Bush Junior and bomb us some Iran before those Godless democrats capture the White House.
   

McCain the Humorist

Gosh, maybe Conspiracy Theory Central has been all wrong about John McCain. In yesterday's post we said he looked like dried snot and lacked pizazz. But who knew Sen. McCain was such a comedian? Schecter's new book The Real McCain contains the following interesting nugget. Joke told by McCain at 1988 Republican fundraiser: "Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly?" he asked. "Because Janet Reno is her father." Link. We literally fell out of our chair reading that one. If this running for president thing doesn't pan out, we strongly urge John McCain to ditch the senate and embark on the standup comedy circuit billing himself as the "angry old pol". Seriously, I think the man has talent.

I look like snot but check out my wife and daughter

The 2008 Presidential Campaign is already no fun and we have seven more months of it to suffer through. Conspiracy Theory Central's heroes Viagra Fred and the Huckster are down for the count. We're supposed to rally behind John "100 year war" McCain. It does stiffen our shorts to know McCain is down with perpetual war against jihadists ... but he's the worst public speaker since Bob Dole. At least our dear W Bush has you on the edge of your seat wondering which words of the English language he shall butcher next. McCain has no pizazz. He looks like dried snot, which explains why he dumped his first wife for a younger cougar model then popped out a frightfully young daughter to trot after him on the campaign trail gushing glowing blog posts about her glorious father.

And maybe the younger, youngest chick window dressing masking advanced age and precarious health is what the McCain campaign is all about. Take recent news this month from Iraq. The Iraqi government attempted a military offensive against radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr in Basra and got their butt spanked. Whole units of the Iraqi army defected to al-Sadr during the fighting. Prime Minister al-Maliki was forced to call a cease fire to stave off complete defeat. How did McCain see it? "It was al-Sadr that declared the ceasefire, not Maliki," McCain said. John put on the rose colored glasses seeing a Maliki victory. Link. Booya John! If you say it enough on the campaign trail, I'm sure the American public will believe. Certainly our boy General Petraeus will tell Congress this week that the dustup in Basra was a good thing for the Iraqi government. Black is white. Old decrepit man hidden by young blonde chicks. Reality is in the mind of the beholder. All we need to do is manipulate manage the perceptions of the American people and all will be right in the country. We got our eyes on the blonde chicks John. Keep up the good work sir.
Satire.