Party of Yahweh Annoints Rush The New Moses

Thank the Almighty that his party has finally come to its senses and realized that Rush is our Moses! Sarah "Joan of Arc" Palin has diapers to change and mooses to hunt. Piyush Jindal appears to be a playdo man formed out of a few of Rush's discarded turds. Ron Paul must be an atheist because he is against war. We all know war is a tool of the Almighty to bring forth justice in the world.

Oh ye infidels, hear the greatness as it foments from the golden mouth of the mighty Rush. He shall lead us to the promised land. We want Barack Obama to fail because the people might delusionally like him if his programs bear short-term prosperity, prosperity the terrorists are sure to hate and destroy because the party of God is out of power and not there to protect the nation. Remember, the United States and the party of God are one in the same. What is good for the Republican Party is good for America. Therefore, the failure of Obama's economic plan may sting but it is in the best interest of us all. Those supporting the party of Satan (aka the Obama-Clinton Party) are subhumans. We care not if they suffer.

Which brings us to the most pressing problem, succession of our new national leader. Rush's member has not borne fruit. This is a serious national security issue and we at Conspiracy Theory Central know the woman for the job--Ann "the angel of righteousness" Coulter. She must mate with his omnipotence to bring forth the chosen one who shall destroy our enemies once and for all. Ann, save your nation and jump on that red faced, fat man's cock!

(Satire).

Voting Has A Known Liberal Bias

Conspiracy Theory Central has been on continuous sedatives after the beatdown John McCain received from Barack Hussein Obama. Oh, and the Republican infighting after the loss has only worsened our depression. Joe The Plumber takes shots at McCain ... and McCain made this guy! Everybody takes shots at our shinning angel, Sarah Palin (be still my beating heart), over some cloths. OK, lots of cloths. But her whole wardrobe was Alaska, Walmart sheek and the campaign needed to spruce her up for the national stage. We are completely fine with $150k spent on this cause. For comparisons sake, somebody go check out what it costs to wardrobe the Jolie-Pitts for a few months.

But the affronts against Sarah Palin are not what have Conspiracy Theory Central in a lather today. No sir. It's Al Franken and his nearly completed theft of a United States senate seat in Minnesota. This lunatic is up there trying to get all the votes counted. Everyone knows voting has a liberal bias. That's why Lee Atwater invented, and Karl Rove perfected, voter suppression tactics. America created inner city ghettos for the undesirables and we never go there but I'm told on good authority that the voting lines at inner city polling stations around the country stretched for miles and lasted many hours. That's no accident. They are supposed to go home without voting.

Conspiracy Theory Central has lost our train of thought. We started off on Al Franken and ended up on the subject of undesirables voting. On second thought, I am sure those two subjects are related. In any event, the Minnesotans voted up there, the votes were counted, and Norm Coleman won. Where in the Constitution is there found the right to a recount? Recounts are an invention of the Democrats. Thank God the Supreme Court stopped the Florida recount in 2000. We'd all be enslaved in Mosques by now if Al Gore had won in 2000. And where is the Supreme Court on this Al Franken theft? Isn't it their job to stop local election officials from counting votes? Calling Antoni Scalia, the mafia don of the Supreme Court. Do your job sir before this wingnut Franken barges his way into the US Senate!

Conspiracy Theory Central has one confession to make. Please forgive us but we love Stuart Smaley.

Free Sarah Palin!

Like many of you, Conspiracy Theory Central was horrified watching Katie Couric's interview of Sarah Palin. My god, that bull dike Katie actually had the temerity to ask Gov. Palin about her foreign policy credentials. What in the world does that have to do with Sarah Palin's fitness to stand next to McCain looking good and wooing evangelical voters??? It's irrelevant to her job!!!

Anyway, my freak out moment passed after receiving reassuring words from Karl Rove on the eve of the Palin - Biden debate. King Karl opined that Sarah's handlers messed her up by "over-prepped her, stuffed too much information in her mind and made her a little uncomfortable." Link. Being force-fed information about foreign affairs, the national budget, health care policy, military expenditures, and all that boring government wonk stuff could freeze anyone's brain. Clearly Karl is right and Sarah's handlers messed her up big time. Her background is as a sports reporter. She best standing at the podium reading from the teleprompter. Why in God's name would the McCain people let her do anything else? Stop the debate! It's rigged against her. The thing airs on the liberal media, need I say more? They'll be asking Sarah substantive questions again without her possessing a script to read from. Completely unfair. And stop putting information into Gov. Sarah's mind. It just messes her up. Please free Sarah Palin to go kiss babies and smile for the camera. That's her strength, use it!

McCain--I Don't Care If She Has NO Brain, Palin Looks Good on TV

John McCain has finally seen the light to the great relief of Conspiracy Theory Central. Ronald Reagan had to be helped to the bathroom but could the old boy ever stand there looking presidential reading from a teleprompter! The Gipper's brain was so badly riddled with Alzheimer he could barely remember his own name yet he goes down in our book as the greatest US president since George Washington (Napoleon is our all time fav world leader). By the Reagan yardstick, Sarah Palin is ready to lead! She's so perfect for our agenda Conspiracy Theory Central wets his pants just contemplating the beauty of Mrs. Palin on the presidential ticket. The only thing more glorious would be having Sarah Palin on top of the ticket (Conspiracy Theory Central prefers women on top).

And our girl Sarah possesses more than just outer beauty. She sees the world in black and white, good versus evil. Even better, her entire life is led by faith, no thinking allowed. For instance, her faith tells her Jesus will return to earth in her life time triggering the rapture. See Salon article. She's a creationist through and through meaning Sarah know through faith that the earth was created 7000 years ago despite all the bogus scientific evidence that the earth has existed millions and millions of years. It's all hogwash just like the global warming myth. Al Gore invented global warming while experiencing a bad acid flashback. And Sarah knows we shall drill our way out of this energy crisis. Finally, Matt Damon can kiss Conspiracy Theory Central's ass. God love you Sarah Palin and please put in a good word for us when Jesus shows up next month, or whenever he gets here.