Free Sarah Palin!

Like many of you, Conspiracy Theory Central was horrified watching Katie Couric's interview of Sarah Palin. My god, that bull dike Katie actually had the temerity to ask Gov. Palin about her foreign policy credentials. What in the world does that have to do with Sarah Palin's fitness to stand next to McCain looking good and wooing evangelical voters??? It's irrelevant to her job!!!

Anyway, my freak out moment passed after receiving reassuring words from Karl Rove on the eve of the Palin - Biden debate. King Karl opined that Sarah's handlers messed her up by "over-prepped her, stuffed too much information in her mind and made her a little uncomfortable." Link. Being force-fed information about foreign affairs, the national budget, health care policy, military expenditures, and all that boring government wonk stuff could freeze anyone's brain. Clearly Karl is right and Sarah's handlers messed her up big time. Her background is as a sports reporter. She best standing at the podium reading from the teleprompter. Why in God's name would the McCain people let her do anything else? Stop the debate! It's rigged against her. The thing airs on the liberal media, need I say more? They'll be asking Sarah substantive questions again without her possessing a script to read from. Completely unfair. And stop putting information into Gov. Sarah's mind. It just messes her up. Please free Sarah Palin to go kiss babies and smile for the camera. That's her strength, use it!

McCain--I Don't Care If She Has NO Brain, Palin Looks Good on TV

John McCain has finally seen the light to the great relief of Conspiracy Theory Central. Ronald Reagan had to be helped to the bathroom but could the old boy ever stand there looking presidential reading from a teleprompter! The Gipper's brain was so badly riddled with Alzheimer he could barely remember his own name yet he goes down in our book as the greatest US president since George Washington (Napoleon is our all time fav world leader). By the Reagan yardstick, Sarah Palin is ready to lead! She's so perfect for our agenda Conspiracy Theory Central wets his pants just contemplating the beauty of Mrs. Palin on the presidential ticket. The only thing more glorious would be having Sarah Palin on top of the ticket (Conspiracy Theory Central prefers women on top).

And our girl Sarah possesses more than just outer beauty. She sees the world in black and white, good versus evil. Even better, her entire life is led by faith, no thinking allowed. For instance, her faith tells her Jesus will return to earth in her life time triggering the rapture. See Salon article. She's a creationist through and through meaning Sarah know through faith that the earth was created 7000 years ago despite all the bogus scientific evidence that the earth has existed millions and millions of years. It's all hogwash just like the global warming myth. Al Gore invented global warming while experiencing a bad acid flashback. And Sarah knows we shall drill our way out of this energy crisis. Finally, Matt Damon can kiss Conspiracy Theory Central's ass. God love you Sarah Palin and please put in a good word for us when Jesus shows up next month, or whenever he gets here.

Bush Presidency Fault of The Liberal Media

Conspiracy Theory Central's head is still spinning after hearing of the Scott McClellan memoir. McClellan essentially says the White House press office, of which he was a major player, has been a propaganda machine during the Bush years. That a culture of deception exists there. Scotty, I'm just shocked you would say such an outrageous thing.

Having not slept, ate, drank, or shaved for 24 hours (we do admit to having used the toilette) in utter despair over the hammer blow from our boy Scotty, we have found light at the end of this dark tunnel. In between all the Bush bashing, McClellan says "the 'liberal media' didn't live up to its reputation", the liberal media failed to do its job. Listen up all you leftist pansies out there. Our boy Scotty has a message for you: THE LIBERAL MEDIA CREATED GEORGE BUSH! That's right. It's not our fault the Bush II presidency has careened out of control. It happened because the liberal media failed to challenge the man. It's like driving a sports car drunk without a seat belt. Everyone knows crashes are going to happen. If the driver gets injured, it's the seat belt's fault for not protecting him. Never mind that he failed to snap the seat belt into place before driving off. If the seat belt were properly designed, it would snap itself into place. The sole reason for the existence of the liberal media is to act as a moderating force to save a brilliant leader from himself.

The more I contemplate the words of Scott McClellan, the more his central message clears before my eyes--the liberal media is the root of all evil in the universe. It's like Newton's third law of politics. Thank you Scott for speaking out and reinforcing what we already knew. Next time, please put your central point in the title of the book.
(Satire)

The Huckster Is Back!

And I was wondering where the heck the Huck had disappeared to. Apparently fishing. Well everyone's favorite formerly fat governor is back in all his glory. Huck first makes a "joke" about Obama ducking from an assassin. This is exactly equivalent to our dear redneck forefathers of the 50s and 60s joking to black men in the south to look out for that noose. It's no joke, it's reality. So Tim Russert tries to call out Huck on his humor but the Huck is too sly. He slips the Russert punch by analogizing his humor to that of Sen. McCain's "bomb, bomb, bomb Iran" song which, you might guess, Huck loved. Link. Has there been a politician on the national stage less PC than Mike Huckabee in the last 30 years? Not even close.

Attention Sen. McCain. You need Minister Governor Huckabee on the ticket! Huck will completely confuse and confound the national press diverting their vitriolic verbal arrows away from your person. He's the blocking back hitting the hole ahead of the ball carrier to open up running room. For the love of God and country, please, oh please, let it be McCain-Huckabee in 2008!
(Satire)