McCain the Humorist

Gosh, maybe Conspiracy Theory Central has been all wrong about John McCain. In yesterday's post we said he looked like dried snot and lacked pizazz. But who knew Sen. McCain was such a comedian? Schecter's new book The Real McCain contains the following interesting nugget. Joke told by McCain at 1988 Republican fundraiser: "Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly?" he asked. "Because Janet Reno is her father." Link. We literally fell out of our chair reading that one. If this running for president thing doesn't pan out, we strongly urge John McCain to ditch the senate and embark on the standup comedy circuit billing himself as the "angry old pol". Seriously, I think the man has talent.

I look like snot but check out my wife and daughter

The 2008 Presidential Campaign is already no fun and we have seven more months of it to suffer through. Conspiracy Theory Central's heroes Viagra Fred and the Huckster are down for the count. We're supposed to rally behind John "100 year war" McCain. It does stiffen our shorts to know McCain is down with perpetual war against jihadists ... but he's the worst public speaker since Bob Dole. At least our dear W Bush has you on the edge of your seat wondering which words of the English language he shall butcher next. McCain has no pizazz. He looks like dried snot, which explains why he dumped his first wife for a younger cougar model then popped out a frightfully young daughter to trot after him on the campaign trail gushing glowing blog posts about her glorious father.

And maybe the younger, youngest chick window dressing masking advanced age and precarious health is what the McCain campaign is all about. Take recent news this month from Iraq. The Iraqi government attempted a military offensive against radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr in Basra and got their butt spanked. Whole units of the Iraqi army defected to al-Sadr during the fighting. Prime Minister al-Maliki was forced to call a cease fire to stave off complete defeat. How did McCain see it? "It was al-Sadr that declared the ceasefire, not Maliki," McCain said. John put on the rose colored glasses seeing a Maliki victory. Link. Booya John! If you say it enough on the campaign trail, I'm sure the American public will believe. Certainly our boy General Petraeus will tell Congress this week that the dustup in Basra was a good thing for the Iraqi government. Black is white. Old decrepit man hidden by young blonde chicks. Reality is in the mind of the beholder. All we need to do is manipulate manage the perceptions of the American people and all will be right in the country. We got our eyes on the blonde chicks John. Keep up the good work sir.
Satire.

Rush puts Dems in the Mosh Pit

Rush is a genius. We bow to the omnipotent intellect emanating from his massive nogin. We were stunned to hear the great one beseeching his subjects to cross party lines in the primary and vote for Hillary Clinton. Link. Then the beauty of it hit us in our slow-witted face: Obama was on the verge of locking up the nomination. Voting for Hillary drags the two leftists back into the mosh pit to slime it out. The words "Reverend Wright" fly out of Hillary's mouth each second it opens. Obama's surrogates have been trashing Hillary's delusional credentials such as being under sniper fire in Bosnia and playing a direct roll in the Irish peace accord. Every dollar the leftists spend beating each other up is a dollar less they have to spend in the general election when the votes are for keeps. In politics, money is ammo. One problem, voting in the other party's primary is illegal in Ohio. But Rush certainly operates above the law. Did he not beat indictment for the illegal abuse of prescription drugs? He's just too big for law enforcement to contain.

But we do admire the ingenuity of Hillary's tactics. She has shoved Bill into the closet to do there as he pleases. Hillary's main family surrogate is now daughter Chelsea, much more likable than either her father or mother. Any what is an issue hanging out there that the opposition has not raised? Monica. The recent release of Hillary's White House calendar reveals that Bill's philandering was conducted right under her nose. One may ask--(a) how was she so stupid? and (b) why did she not divorce the bum? Legit questions. But it was Chelsea, not Hillary, who was asked to respond to this challenge. Daughter like mother: she was able to get away with a total stiff arm. Watch below. Notice how Chelsea turns the question around and makes the kid who asked it a bad guy (despite the legitimacy of the question). Chelsea's on her way to the senate me thinks.
Satire.

Spitzer Shoots His Wad

"Agent 69, this is Home Base, come in Agent 69!"
"69 here Home Base."
"We have an assignment for you 69. Client 9."
"Client 9?"
"Yes, our old friend Client 9. Be advised Client 9 may ask you to do things you might not think are safe. Can you handle him 69?"
"I have a way of dealing with that. I’d be like, Listen, dude, you really want the sex? ...You know what I mean.”
"Yes, I know. If the game is on, it will occur in DC and you will need to leave NYC today by 4:45pm. Is that possible?"
"Yes. Location?"
[Phone buzzes signifying call waiting.]
"Let me get that 69, it's Client 9.
[Switches lines.]
"Home Base here."
"This is Client 9. Are we set for DC tomorrow?"
"Yes. Kristen."
"Fine. Remind me which one is Kristen."
"American, very pretty brunette, 5 feet 5 inches, and 105 pounds."
"Very good."
"Client 9, can you bring additional funds as a downpayment on the next appointment? Your last package arrived late."
"Late, but you have the money, no?"
"We request an advance payment Client 9."
"I'll do my best."
"Confirm location."
"Mayflower Hotel, Room 871."
"Confirm you shall cover, in addition to the standard fee, train tickets, cab fare from the hotel and back, minibar, room service, and hotel."
"Confirmed."
"Kristen's train arrives in DC @ 9. She will proceed directly to the hotel for the appointment."
[Clicks back to Agent 69.]
"The game is on in DC 69. Mayflower Hotel. Room 871."
"Copy, Mayflower, Room 871."
"Very good 69. We'll be in touch."
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Democratic Governor of New York, former prosecutor, husband, father of three ... and a liberal jackal who hounded the supporters of our cause on Wall Street to the ends of the earth and back. Oh how sweet it is for a self-righteous lefty to get caught up in a tawdry affair making the Larry Craig think look milk toast in comparison. The Governor apparently prefers petite brunettes and is willing to shell out upwards of $4000 for a single session. Conspiracy Theory Central loved all the cloak and dagger stuff in the government affidavit. And we really want to know what you get for $4000? How much of an upgrade can a $4000 hoe be over the $500 variety? Inquiring minds want to know. Do sit on Oprah's couch and tell us Elliot. And this from Dr. Laura: "when the woman doesn't focus on the man and his sexual needs" shit like this happens! She's a doctor on TV like Dr. Phil so it must be true. Women are always guilty at some level when men fuck up. Adam and Eve, need I say more?