Go Easy on Michelle, She's Cross-Eyed

"Rather than have a senator or a congressman respond to President Bush's weekly radio address, [the Democrats] decided to have a child who was helped by the SCHIP program [health care for poor children] speak directly to the public. But the 12-year-old boy (Graeme Frost) whom Democrats chose as their poster child is now at the center of a firestorm in Washington and beyond." Link. According to Michelle Malkin, the Dems have made this poor child fair game for the right's media machine, which has declared a jihad on the kid. The Frost family of four lives on a combined income of $50,000! Sayeth Michelle Malkin, these folks are damn rich yet they wish to suck at the bloated tit of public assistance. We at Conspiracy Theory Central have an exclusive followup statement from Mz. Malkin on the Graeme Frost dustup, "Look at me. Do you see the cross-eyes I've been forced to live with from birth?!? Do I gravel at the public trough asking the government to fix my horrible disfigurement? No, self-reliance is an American virtue and, despite my immigrant roots, I'm a true American. I don't take public assistance and I hate on all immigrants. We're a nation of immigrants that has a long history of trying to shut the door after our ancestors snuck in from the poor countries of their origin."
(Satire)

Ann Coulter is a Conspiracy Theorist's Wet Dream

"Syndicated columnist Ann Coulter: 'If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. * * * It's a personal fantasy of mine. * * * And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women." Story. Great idea ... but don't you publicly represent yourself as a single woman? Would this not constitute self-hate? Women as a category are a well worn field for Ann Coulter invective: see, the 9-11 widows, Cincy Sheehan, Hillary Clinton, et alia.

We at Conspiracy Theory Central love Ann Coulter. Find me an easier subject from which to construct gorgeous conspiracy? Senator Toe Tapper, Larry Craig? Please, he appears no more than a dirty old aficionado of the tea room trade. Dime a dozen. OK, there is Jeff Gannon / Guckert / Gosch? More on this. But Jeff Gannon is an enshrined member of the Conspiracy Theory Hall of Fame so it would be like comparing Gail Sears to LaDainian Tomlinson. Just not fair to LT. Out of the active players in the field of political conspiracy, Ann Coulter's off the charts.

Arthur Coltrane. At the heart of the Ann Coulter paradox lies her adam's apple, the man apple. The blogosphere has trumpeted this for years. But it gets better. Check out this blog post: "The public should know that some 20 years ago Arthur Coltrane’s doting mother Darlene, heiress to a hog farming fortune, sent her unhappy teenage homosexual son to Copenhagen for a sex-change operation by the world-renowned surgeon Dr. Magnus Johansson. The ever-obliging doctor acceded to Darlene Coltrane’s request, and following the operation gave her the severed penis in a jar of formaldehyde. She keeps it in her bedroom." Link. It is because of Ann's flaming quotes that my boys in the conspiracy theory community are able to concoct far out theories to hang on her. With someone this unbalanced, who knows?

Saddam's Anticipatory WMD Fraud

Fred is a Conspiracy Theory Central kinda guy. Cool actor. Old, balding dude with a semi-hot wife. But we always found Fred, how do you say this? BLAND! Listening to a Fred Thompson campaign speech is like watching spit dry on a summer sidewalk. But I think Fred is on to something. He says Saddam really did have WMD even though we invaded his suck-ass country failing to come up with jack after four long years of searching. Nadda, zippo, zero WMD. In steps Fred. He has devised daydreamed a way around the facts. "'We can't forget the fact that although at a particular point in time we never found any WMD down there, he clearly had had WMD. He clearly had had the beginnings of a nuclear program,' the former Tennessee senator told an audience of about 60 at a Newton cafe." Des Moines Register.

We get where you are coming from Fred. It's like when the early Christians had to deal with the fact that pagans for centuries had myths of a god-man who performed miracles, suffered, died, and overcame death to rise again. See Dionysus and Osiris, et alia. How did the good church fathers navigate around this embarrassing fact? Genius. They claimed the godless pagans plagiarized the central mystery of Christianity through anticipation. You see, the pagans somehow conspired with the devil to learn of the life and death of Jesus before he actually lived and died. They then plagiarized Jesus before he ever existed. Brilliant!

Fred has stumbled upon the grand Saddam conspiracy of anticipatory WMD fraud. You see, Saddam had WMDs, nuclear, biological, the works. Yeah, he still had loads of the stuff after we bombed the snot out of his country during Gulf War I (circa 1991). Saddam knew the US was invading his country. Fred's theory: rather than light up our troops with his dangerous WMD hoard as we massed at his boarder, old Saddam destroyed all his WMDs, including any verifiable trace of their existence, moments before we invaded. Very clever. Saddam gets the last laugh by denying our government capture of the raison d'etre of its entire invasion. Fred Thompson is well on his way to Conspiracy Theorist of the Month. Keep up the solid work Fred.
(Satire)

"Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?"

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