Pace: We Don't Want No Stinking Immoral Soldiers In Our Military

Praise God for General Pace. He has given voice to the silent (moral) majority. "Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, caused a stir at a Senate hearing Wednesday when he repeated his view that gay sex is immoral and should not be condoned by the military." Link. The General was brought up on the Bible and he intends to infuse our military with his religious doctrines. Booya General! Hey but don't stop with the gays. Didn't the Jews kill Jesus? Do not they deny his divinity to this day? Ain't that against the Bible as well? Do it General. Kick all the Jews out of the military. And them Islamofascist Muslim folks ... is anyone more Godless than these folks? Give 'em the boot too General! And what about them dope smoking, neo-hippie types? BOOT! No half-ass'ed efforts in cleansing our military General. A man of Jesus knows no bounds to his zeal. Let's get kicking some immoral ass, pronto.
(Satire)

Ahmadinejad A Texas Longhorns Fan

Ha, conclusive evidence Bush and Ahmadinejad are on the same covert team! They are both devil worshiping Texas Longhorn fans. More on the sign of Satan. Tip of the cap to the folks at Conspiracy Planet for this one. We at Conspiracy Theory Central should have been on our toes and picked up on the ruse sooner. President Ahmadinejad has been cast as the devil incarnate by the Bush Administration (neocons), a charge reverberating in the echo chamber of the propogandists Main Stream Media. We interpret President Ahmadinejad flashing double devil horns to the western media as coded acknowledgment of his willingness to do the deed and play the fool for American audiences. The only question left is what fig leaf the Bushies dredge up as justification for bombing the bejesus out of Iran. They tried provocation by arresting and humiliating Iranian officials legally in Iraq at the invitation of Kurdish authorities but to no avail. Link. Never fear. We at Conspiracy Theory Central have complete faith Vice President Cheney, the master of stove piped intelligence, will rise to the occasion providing the needed cover to commence bombing. BTW, no question the first lady and first daughter Jenna are in on the cabal as well.
 
(Satire)

See what happens when you don't give students a taste of Mr. Taser?

MIT student Star Simpson (yep, that's her real name) was arrested at Logan International Airport for wearing what police described as a fake bomb. Star's sweatshirt had on its back a computer circuit board with flashing lights and wires. She says it was a homemade art project. Link. Apparently Ms. Simpson is a flaky science geek who thinks nothing of wearing a blinking electronic device on her back into an airport to pick up a friend. State police Maj. Scott Pare said that Simpson is "extremely lucky she followed the instructions or deadly force would have been used. She's lucky to be in a cell as opposed to the morgue." Major Pare is our kinda cop. But where was the taser? Yes, Ms. Simpson was arrested and charged with a crime but certainly a good dose of Mr. Taser would have done this Star person a world of good. We are sure Andrew Meyer of the University of Florida gets the message after his jolt from Mr. Taser. We said it before and we'll say it again, Let's Taser All The Friggin Students!
(Satire)

Bush: "Don't Pamper The Little Shirkers"

In his weekly radio address, President Bush called Democrats "irresponsible" for seeking to expand children's health insurance for low income families. Bush has vowed to veto the bill despite significant bipartisan support. Link. "You see, it's all political," said Bush. "Them Democrats pass the easy stuff, the stuff everybody wants like health care for children. Then I have to be the responsible adult. You see, we don't have more money for these welfare programs like student aid and health care. We're at war people. If it doesn't go to the troops, we don't need it. Understand Nancy?" The President was apparently referring to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

We at Conspiracy Theory Central applaud the President for his courage in standing against give-aways to lazy kids unable to pick themselves up by their boot straps and get their own health insurance. But maybe the answer is repealing the child labor laws so these adolescent shirkers can get off their butts and work for a living? And we are galled that the Republicans have gotten in bed with the Democrats on this one. Our democracy shall grind to a halt if these people do not immediately resume hacking at each other's throats.
(Satire)