"Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?"

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Pace: We Don't Want No Stinking Immoral Soldiers In Our Military

Praise God for General Pace. He has given voice to the silent (moral) majority. "Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, caused a stir at a Senate hearing Wednesday when he repeated his view that gay sex is immoral and should not be condoned by the military." Link. The General was brought up on the Bible and he intends to infuse our military with his religious doctrines. Booya General! Hey but don't stop with the gays. Didn't the Jews kill Jesus? Do not they deny his divinity to this day? Ain't that against the Bible as well? Do it General. Kick all the Jews out of the military. And them Islamofascist Muslim folks ... is anyone more Godless than these folks? Give 'em the boot too General! And what about them dope smoking, neo-hippie types? BOOT! No half-ass'ed efforts in cleansing our military General. A man of Jesus knows no bounds to his zeal. Let's get kicking some immoral ass, pronto.
(Satire)

Ahmadinejad A Texas Longhorns Fan

Ha, conclusive evidence Bush and Ahmadinejad are on the same covert team! They are both devil worshiping Texas Longhorn fans. More on the sign of Satan. Tip of the cap to the folks at Conspiracy Planet for this one. We at Conspiracy Theory Central should have been on our toes and picked up on the ruse sooner. President Ahmadinejad has been cast as the devil incarnate by the Bush Administration (neocons), a charge reverberating in the echo chamber of the propogandists Main Stream Media. We interpret President Ahmadinejad flashing double devil horns to the western media as coded acknowledgment of his willingness to do the deed and play the fool for American audiences. The only question left is what fig leaf the Bushies dredge up as justification for bombing the bejesus out of Iran. They tried provocation by arresting and humiliating Iranian officials legally in Iraq at the invitation of Kurdish authorities but to no avail. Link. Never fear. We at Conspiracy Theory Central have complete faith Vice President Cheney, the master of stove piped intelligence, will rise to the occasion providing the needed cover to commence bombing. BTW, no question the first lady and first daughter Jenna are in on the cabal as well.
 
(Satire)

See what happens when you don't give students a taste of Mr. Taser?

MIT student Star Simpson (yep, that's her real name) was arrested at Logan International Airport for wearing what police described as a fake bomb. Star's sweatshirt had on its back a computer circuit board with flashing lights and wires. She says it was a homemade art project. Link. Apparently Ms. Simpson is a flaky science geek who thinks nothing of wearing a blinking electronic device on her back into an airport to pick up a friend. State police Maj. Scott Pare said that Simpson is "extremely lucky she followed the instructions or deadly force would have been used. She's lucky to be in a cell as opposed to the morgue." Major Pare is our kinda cop. But where was the taser? Yes, Ms. Simpson was arrested and charged with a crime but certainly a good dose of Mr. Taser would have done this Star person a world of good. We are sure Andrew Meyer of the University of Florida gets the message after his jolt from Mr. Taser. We said it before and we'll say it again, Let's Taser All The Friggin Students!
(Satire)

Bush: "Don't Pamper The Little Shirkers"

In his weekly radio address, President Bush called Democrats "irresponsible" for seeking to expand children's health insurance for low income families. Bush has vowed to veto the bill despite significant bipartisan support. Link. "You see, it's all political," said Bush. "Them Democrats pass the easy stuff, the stuff everybody wants like health care for children. Then I have to be the responsible adult. You see, we don't have more money for these welfare programs like student aid and health care. We're at war people. If it doesn't go to the troops, we don't need it. Understand Nancy?" The President was apparently referring to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

We at Conspiracy Theory Central applaud the President for his courage in standing against give-aways to lazy kids unable to pick themselves up by their boot straps and get their own health insurance. But maybe the answer is repealing the child labor laws so these adolescent shirkers can get off their butts and work for a living? And we are galled that the Republicans have gotten in bed with the Democrats on this one. Our democracy shall grind to a halt if these people do not immediately resume hacking at each other's throats.
(Satire)

Let's Taser All The Friggin Students!

Time to nip this student back-talk thing in the bud. One guy gets out of line disrespecting a sitting United States Senator and, next thing you know, it's Berkeley circa 1968 all over again ... hippie student protests out the ass, clouds of marijuana smoke wafting through the air, free sex, peace-love and all that. Thank God this isn't going down on Dick Cheney's watch. No sir. We at Conspiracy Theory Central, of course, love a good conspiracy. We dig the questions Andrew Meyer of the University of Florida put to Sen. Kerry--i.e., Isn't it true Senator that you and President Bush were Skull & Bonesmen at Princeton and that you both engaged in homoerotic rituals? This kid has a future in journalism. But that's not the point. One must crack a few eggs to make an omelet. Back in the day, law enforcement used night sticks and attack dogs to strike fear into the populace. Thank God for technology. Andrew Meyer was the sacrificial lamb needed to send a message to the dope smoking young non-conformists of America. Conform or fry at the end of a taser you punks! Take your place in our energy guzzling, consumer driven society. Pay your taxes. Bow to the leaders. Don't question elections or wars. They are matters beyond your station. That's right, drink the kool-aid. Meet Mr. Taser students, the new sheriff in town.
(Satire.)

Southwest Airlines Declares War On Breasts

Kyla Ebbert (left) and Setara Qassim (right) were both detained from boarding recent Southwest flights. See link to story. According to the airline, both women exhibited unrestrained breasts. Said Southwest spokesperson Sara Prudence, "Big tits, when not properly stowed, cause problems on our flights. Especially, the young perky variety. First, there is boob envy from the other female passengers. Then a riot breaks out during open boarding as the men thrash each other about attempting to seat themselves next to the hooters. And just imagine the pandemonium if the flight hits turbulence and those loose bazoombas jostle all over the cabin."

We at Conspiracy Theory Central are deeply troubled by the actions of Southwest Airlines who, the best we can determine, have morphed into the taliban of the skies. Isn't this America? Doesn't a man in this country have a constitutionally protected right to sneak furtive glances at a nice rack displayed on an attractive young thing sitting across the isle? If Kyla Ebbert and Setara Qassim's tits are forcefully covered and restrained, then the terrorists have won. We are a defeated country.
(Satire ... kinda).

Testimonials to Larry Craig's Nongayness

Senator Larry Craig's children Shea Howell and Michael Craig appeared on "Good Morning America" today to say "Our dad ain't gay!" Link This afternoon, the Craig's longtime Venezuelan housekeeper appeared on CNN with Wolf Blitzer also proclaiming Larry Craig's nongayness. Said the housekeeper, "The senator is always grabbing my ass when his wife isn't looking. I know he wants a piece just like any man." Finally, this evening on National Geographic Channel's The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan is to interview the Craig family dog. According to an advance press release, the dog is expected to say he has seen Larry Craig having sexual relations with women on many occasions. We at Conspiracy Theory Central have conducted a nonscientific poll among our seven regular readers (one of whom is my cat Mimi) on the topic of whether or not Larry Craig is gay. The top response to the survey with four votes was: "He ain't gay but his boyfriends are."

Satire.

Victoria's Secret to Men: Tame Your Moobs

Lingerie maker Spitfire of Japan fired the first shot--the man girdle. Japanese men have lapped up the man spanks marketed as "Manks". Link. Said manks wearer Futomaki Suzuki, "They're awesome. I can really channel my inner feminine chi in them and there's great support for the testicles. No more pocket pool to get my balls back where I like 'em."

Ever vigilant in the underwear wars, it didn't take Victoria's Secret long to strike back with the "moobs" control bra. Our spies tell us Victoria's Secret is combing the country for male moobs models for inclusion in their 2008 calendar due out this winter. Tom Arnold has been approached and is interested in the project. Conspiracy Theory Central contacted style maven Tim Gunn for his reaction to the man lingerie tsunami rocking the fashion world, "Every designer needs to get on the stick incorporating male control undergarments into their fall collections. The possibilities are endless." And does Tim think Hollywood's leading men will endorse the new trend? "Prediction: Jack Nicholson not only walks down the red carpet in a moobs support bra at the next Oscars but is also a paid spokesperson for the product. Remember, you heard it here first. Make it work."

(Satire)